I don’t know if it’s still me, OR…

Sometimes, I just feel so bizarre…

Like there’s a kid trapped inside this adult and fully developed body,

OR maybe, it’s a kid born with an adult body…

I don’t know, it just feels really weird and abnormal.

I feel like sometimes, I’m not suppose to know all these stuffs, but curiosity just strikes.

And sometimes, I just can’t seem to catch up with the fact that I’m turning 18 soon, going to be an adult, friends around me getting a boyfriend, married and even my cousins going to army and having a girlfriend, everyone’s changing to be leading an adult’s life.

Everything seems to be coming too quickly and I can’t seem to be able to accept that I’m in college when my time had just paused since I graduated from high school and getting my O’level results.

Many of my friends around me have told me that I talk and act in a coquettish manner just like a little girl.

I have no idea how this happens because I’m trying to control myself learning to be  like a lady, act like a lady, walk like a lady, dine like a lady, and the more I do it, the more “weird” and “kiddy” behaviour just popped out of me for no reason.

And, the last time that I knew was that I had to stop all these “撒娇” actions because my parents don’t fall for it and I was like their puppets letting them manipulate my life because I’m still a kid (as what they claimed).

Plus, secondary school classmates said that these actions were really annoying like “你好像永远长不大,忸忸怩怩的,看了都恶心” and these got irritated by me which turned me into an outcast…

That was when I had to really forced myself to become matured quickly before losing all my friends and not letting my parents manipulate my life ever…

It just feels so horrible trying to mature faster than anyone do, and then facing with like money problems, making myself fall into “large debts” because of braces, pursuing a perfect smile and paying my own phone bills when these are what parents should provide in supposedly, in Singapore.

You know what?

Sometimes, I just wished that I could start everything over again, maybe things might not turn out to be this way, but nonetheless, all these had become reality and it’s impossible to rewrite history…


3 thoughts on “I don’t know if it’s still me, OR…

  1. You know, there’s another way to look at this situatuation. Maybe another term for this childish behaviour is being happy and cheerful. Perhaps you’re not, or weren’t way back in 2012, ready to be so grim and serious and hard driven about life. Maybe that’s a good thing.
    I’m not sure how this blog format works so i don’t know if you’ll ever know anyone wrote about this at such a late date. I’m suprised that your blog has so many visits counted but i don’t see any comments.why is that?
    Here in canada it’s not unusual to take a year or two off betweeen highschool and college. bit late to think about than now,though. life can be so unfair…

    • Oh I see.
      The visit counts were mainly for the hair posts that I posted.
      Wow. that’s cool. I wish I could too. Education system here is very stressful.

      • So pleased that you wrote back. ( sure,my life is very lazy and comfortable …but oh so boring ^_^ ). is there anything in singapore now that isn’t stressfull? Sure, it seemed so relaxed the times I was there, i was just on vacation. (I’m always on vacation) Stroll around town, exploring all the interesting old neighbourhoods (before they were “restored”). sit around the hawker centers, sipping ice kopi susu all day long, good cheap food everywhere. I really liked it there,then. But all my in-laws were working themselves into early graves. 12 hour days, then look after the kids…aiyoh, so stress lah! They do it to themselves.
        so odd that you get all your hits from hair? really? all the deeply thoughtful, painfully honest personal things you write and all your visits are due to hair? Wait…my neighbour( a gypsy fortune teller) has something to say…she says she sees a girl…sort of pretty…behind a chair…with scisssors..and whirl of flying snippets of hair…could it be you? the next Kim Robinson? : )
        By the way, did you read my other comment? much more important. hope you’re ok and happy.

        hair posts?! really? with all the deeply thoughtful, almost painfull and honest things you’ve written and most of your visists are due to hair?aiyoh!

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