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I’m always making a nuisance and a fool out of myself. Being the blur sotong can sometimes makes others life interesting but at the same time, because of my “blur-ness” it cost me to make silly mistakes at work that resulted in unhappiness.

No matter what happens, at the end of the day, I still prefer to choose to be that blur sotong to entertain others.

I am strong.

That same question that everyone ask me over and over again, round and round, it’s always back to the same old question that I have been receiving lately.

“Shi Yun, when are you going to decide to get a boyfriend?”

I will always be stammering and cracking my brain to answer it for I have no idea to when as well.

Honestly, I tell you what.

I am scared. I am scared. I am scared to have a boyfriend.

I want to fly. I want to leave this horrible place and to somewhere I can find happiness, a place that I can avoid all this silly dramas. Only then perhaps I would want someone in my life.

Yes, I am too independent and I have witness enough, love can’t survive without money.

We may be young and innocent and many don’t face the money issue because they have their parents to support them and definitely, experiencing the happiness that young love brings can be so sweet, fun and worry-free.

As for the down-to-earth me, I wish I could do the same like the rest are now, but I can’t. I needed a long term plan, just like how Stalin plans for 5 year, 10 year industrialization plan, I needed to fulfil my Shi Yun’s future plans as well. Therefore in the meantime, love was totally out of the question and out of my way.

Perhaps, I know I may be depriving myself of how teenage life should be like, lots of dramas from school, classmates, frenemies, boys and grades. It wasn’t fair for me to make such a decision to be striving hard in my own way to achieve a certain goal for myself. 

Sometimes, I just couldn’t understand why am I so hard on myself when I could just simply let go of everything and lead the way how young girls should be doing, having cute instagram photos with their boys, sweet and mushy tweets on twitter, flirty and cute conversation on whatsapp, going out with friends as a group to party or outings, studying hard, teenage life could have been just so much simpler.

Yea. I sort of envy them. REALLY!

Nevertheless, I’m always hit by my circumstances and reality. When reality hits you, it hits you REAL HARD, REAL REAL REAL HARD. NO JOKE DUDE!

Bread and butter issues is what I care the most and according to Maslow’s hierachy of needs, I need to fulfill the most basic needs first… So, I guess, the only way that I could achieve it before moving up to fulfill the next level of needs is to work harder and harder to my goals, which was to be able to be self-sustainable and most importantly, LEAVE THIS HORRENDOUS FAMILY!

I could survive alone, now all I needs was just the funds and waiting for another 2 years before the legal age of 21, to get freedom. 

I will leave, most likely. 

As for now, the idea of boys, of which of them are able to accept such an independent girl who is fighting so hard for her future? None actually.

All they needed was girl to be meek and submissive to them, 24 hours on call, can’t survive without them, and no, I’m just not one of those girls that they wanted.

I’m sorry.

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Haha

Workout, Maybe?

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4 months ago, I was still diligently working out nearly every day at home in aim to achieve the perfect tummy like the model’s tummy above. The bottom photo that showed my tummy was captured in July.

Yes! I nearly had abs but for some reason, because of trying to keep fit and to maintain my body weight, I had been eating healthily and lesser meals to the extent that I lost some weight and because of my weight loss, my bust size shrunk. (I’m serious!)

I know everyone has their ideal body that they want to achieve or dream of getting, some wants to be fitspo, some want to be skinny and others may want something else. As for me, I have been dreaming of achieving a tanned body, that is somewhat curvy, slightly busty, and a toned tummy to look more like a brunette.

I have always had the impression that brunettes are very pretty, tan body, brown hair and I wanted to be one even though I am an Asian looking girl. Of course, I know that I may be oddly weird as every Asian girl wants to look like the Korean POP stars, skinny, tall and lean, fair skin, and big eyes. For me, it was different. I think that looking like a brunette was my version of beautiful, bust size was important and so was waistline, hips and tummy.

Therefore, in order to achieve my desired “dream” body and look, I have been working hard , doing workouts at night to tone my tummy particularly. However, my bust size shrunk from a C cup to a B and I started to fluster because I never wanted a small bust size and even when I was much younger, I wanted a bigger bust size because it looks so much prettier when you have a nice cleavage when wearing tube dresses or plain singlets as compared to a small petite A cups. (I’m not trying to be mean or what, but I thought that it will look much nicer if I had bigger cup size like how those pretty girls look in those chick flicks like Amanda Bynes, Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Seyfried, etc)

Eventually, I gave up on my dieting plans and started to gain weight by eating more and soon, I lose my beautiful tummy lines and put on several kilograms. Now, I am not able to gain back my original bust size of 34C, but rather a 32C. I think that this is rather a weird and dangerous size because if I were to lose anymore inches around my bust, I would face problem buying a bra. (Still, I want back my original bust size! Rawr~)

Anyway, I’m now contemplating to start my working out routine again because my body weight is little outrageous and that I feel slightly fat because my tummy don’t look as beautiful and flat as before. But the possibility that my bust size may shrink is preventing me from starting.

What should I do? 

To shed some weight and achieve those flat tummy with pretty lines or maintain my current body size?