I am strong.

That same question that everyone ask me over and over again, round and round, it’s always back to the same old question that I have been receiving lately.

“Shi Yun, when are you going to decide to get a boyfriend?”

I will always be stammering and cracking my brain to answer it for I have no idea to when as well.

Honestly, I tell you what.

I am scared. I am scared. I am scared to have a boyfriend.

I want to fly. I want to leave this horrible place and to somewhere I can find happiness, a place that I can avoid all this silly dramas. Only then perhaps I would want someone in my life.

Yes, I am too independent and I have witness enough, love can’t survive without money.

We may be young and innocent and many don’t face the money issue because they have their parents to support them and definitely, experiencing the happiness that young love brings can be so sweet, fun and worry-free.

As for the down-to-earth me, I wish I could do the same like the rest are now, but I can’t. I needed a long term plan, just like how Stalin plans for 5 year, 10 year industrialization plan, I needed to fulfil my Shi Yun’s future plans as well. Therefore in the meantime, love was totally out of the question and out of my way.

Perhaps, I know I may be depriving myself of how teenage life should be like, lots of dramas from school, classmates, frenemies, boys and grades. It wasn’t fair for me to make such a decision to be striving hard in my own way to achieve a certain goal for myself. 

Sometimes, I just couldn’t understand why am I so hard on myself when I could just simply let go of everything and lead the way how young girls should be doing, having cute instagram photos with their boys, sweet and mushy tweets on twitter, flirty and cute conversation on whatsapp, going out with friends as a group to party or outings, studying hard, teenage life could have been just so much simpler.

Yea. I sort of envy them. REALLY!

Nevertheless, I’m always hit by my circumstances and reality. When reality hits you, it hits you REAL HARD, REAL REAL REAL HARD. NO JOKE DUDE!

Bread and butter issues is what I care the most and according to Maslow’s hierachy of needs, I need to fulfill the most basic needs first… So, I guess, the only way that I could achieve it before moving up to fulfill the next level of needs is to work harder and harder to my goals, which was to be able to be self-sustainable and most importantly, LEAVE THIS HORRENDOUS FAMILY!

I could survive alone, now all I needs was just the funds and waiting for another 2 years before the legal age of 21, to get freedom. 

I will leave, most likely. 

As for now, the idea of boys, of which of them are able to accept such an independent girl who is fighting so hard for her future? None actually.

All they needed was girl to be meek and submissive to them, 24 hours on call, can’t survive without them, and no, I’m just not one of those girls that they wanted.

I’m sorry.




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