She left me for good…

11th May 2014: It was Mother’s Day and everyone in the house had made a plan to visit Ah Ma at her ward in TTSH. They brought a cake out to celebrate with her.

I was happy to see her again, it’s been nearly a week since I visited her on Tuesday. I missed her so bad and hearing her voice was the only comfort to me because I know she will always support me in whatever do. Somewhat that day, something just didn’t feel right. She couldn’t speak properly and she told me she had problems breathing and her stomach ache really badly, there was nothing I could do, besides calling the nurse.

I spend some quality time with her and she barely spoke. I tried to talk to her, but somewhat her soul wasn’t there.

After which, I left home to get changed and meet my friend.

At night around 9pm, after the movie in Cineleisure, I received a text saying that grandma’s blood pressure dropped, and doctor says she might not make it pass tonight. The truth hits me, I was stunned, I nearly collapsed.

It was probably her time to go, cancer won and she lost.

After dinner, I headed straight to Novena, trying to rush to see her, and when I was her, she was cold, her hands were icy cold, legs were icy, cold, pale face and I could hear was her breathing, panting heavily to get the oxygen into the body while her organs were badly functioning due to cancerous cells affecting most her body organs function.

I called her, “Mama, I’m here. Please don’t leave me, please make it through, I really need you in my life.” in hokkien.

I know it’s probably effortless to call and talk to her because her soul was barely there, but still, everything was worth a try, to keep her by my side.

Minutes and hours started to ticked by, her breathing starts to weakened and soon, I could not hear her breathing anymore. Her eyes, did not moved at all, neither did her body. It was just her heart pumping weakly and the lungs taking in the oxygen that was given to her through the oxygen mask. I nearly wanted to break down and tear, but grandma told me not to cry over her death and I had no choice but to hold on to my saddness and tears and pretended to be cheerful till her last breath.

As her heartbeat weakens reaching 60, and then constantly decrease, I held on to her hands tightly by her bed side, and in my heart, I kept mumbling, “please don’t leave me, please don’t…” even though I know she’s in tremendous pain and she had already given up.

Till 0150, 12 May, her heart finally made the last pump and stopped for good. There was a constant straight line on the machine and even though I hoped for a miracle that there might be a sudden beat from the heart, it stopped. Yes, she’s gone.

She left me for good. Her eyes did not close at all, staring blankly into space. Like the elders always say, if someone dies without his/her eyes closed, she wasn’t able to let go of some things in her life or she wasn’t willing to die yet. I could feel that grandma couldn’t let go, she is always constantly worrying about me, worrying about me being bullied and ill-treat by my parents, bullied by my younger sister, worrying about whether I had friends, had money, basically everything about me.

I know she never fails to stop nagging at me, this actually started when she found out she had cancer and her days were probably soon. I know how much I hated her nags, but that was the only way she cared and worried about me. She taught me how to cook, cooking my first dish, frying my first egg, how to handwash my clothes, how to iron my clothes, how to sweep the floor, mop the floor, wash dishes, etc.

She was the one who always defended me from my mother’s scolding, canes (when I was much younger), the one who would stand up for me despite my mother’s making claimless accuses which she hopes to punish me and be able to vent out her anger that she accumulated from her workplace.

I’m all alone now, in this cold cold house. I really love her, the one whom fulfilled the duties and responsibilities of a mother, someone who taught me to walk, taught me to speak, fed me when I was hungry, carried my heavy bag when I started primary, showered me, Even though, she may be just my grandma, to me in my heart, she will always be my mother, my dearest mother.

I wish, I may, I wish, I might.

I wish, I may, I wish I might.

I wish for someone who could hear my voice,

Someone who could just listen to my thoughts and provide me with advice.

Someone who could just be the role of my parents or at least my mother,

to give me the motherly love that I need,

the protection that a mother give and the concern over my future.

I wish, I may, I wish I might.

I wish for a shooting star that could make this extraordinary wish come true.

It is not a very demanding wish.

It is neither something impossible.

For I am just sick of talking to myself,

Pretending to be the role of the mother, the father,

Pretending to answer my own questions,

Pretending to be happy, when I am not,

Pretending to know everything, when I don’t,

Pretending to be matured, when I am as childish as you could think.

I wish for someone to be proud of me, for who I am, 

Someone who wouldn’t call me stupid,

Someone who wouldn’t call me useless,

Someone who wouldn’t ignore my existence,

Someone who wouldn’t treat me like a tool,

Someone who WOULD just treat me like a daughter of her own.

And all I wish for is someone who really takes up the role as a mother, a REAL MOTHER.

Cafe Hopping in Holland Village!

Yesterday, it was rather an impromptu decision to go with my bff for dinner since someone was quite busy that he has no time for me, which left my weekends plan empty. Thankfully, Siru was free to be able to meet me and I managed to convinced her to go cafe-hopping with me! Of course, I managed to get my cravings satisfied and took lots of pretty photos! I guess I can always count on her!

The first cafe we went for dinner was at D’ Good Cafe in Holland Village, it’s located extremely near to the MRT station and I managed to find it without any difficulty. Since it was a weekend, the cafe was slightly crowded and that the popular swing seats were hard to get, we wanted to sat there and we waited for quite some time but eventually got to hungry and decide to settle down in a corner. We ordered Eggs Benedict ($13.50) and Mushroom Quiche ($13.00) and Matcha Cream Frappe ($6.50). The cafe was self-serviced so we had to collect our food by ourselves and there was no GST or Service Charge! All food prices were in nett which means it’s quite affordable!

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ImageThe food was good especially the Eggs Benedict! I kind of regret ordering the Mushroom Quiche because it was too dry and I wasn’t really a fan of chips and I ended up eyeing on Siru’s food because they looked and taste so much more nicer than mine! The matcha cream frappe was delicious too! You should definitely give it a try!

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ImageThe food is finally here, let’s get started shall we? -thegluttenme

ImageWhat’s cuter than a straw with moustache!

ImageWe shamelessly took selfies at the rooftop of the cafe! 

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ImageI think a best friend is someone who is willing to take selfies with you and makes you laugh…

ImageI Love this photo! ❤

The next cafe that we went was called Craft Bakery and Cafe, it was located opposite Häagen-Dazs. The decor of the cafe was very minimalist and simple, unlike D’Good Cafe there wasn’t really any spots for us to take more photos. We order the Original Molten Lava Cake ($9.50++) that came with a scoop of vanilla ice-cream. The food prices weren’t in nett so there was additional 10% service charge.

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ImageThe lava cake is chocolatey rich, warm, moist and soft. If you are a fan of chocolate, you would probably love it. The vanilla ice-cream wasn’t that great as the quality of the ice-cream was probably like those sold in supermarket, maybe they used Kings, Nestle or Walls vanilla ice-cream. If it was some homemade vanilla gelato, this plate of dessert would totally be heavenly.

ImageHere’s the menu for those who would be interested.

ImageImage*pretending to be obsessed with the dessert*

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I had a great saturday night out at Holland Village with Siru and that we even had some heart-to-heart talk under the tree. I guess the funniest part would be kill, shag, marry questions that I post for Siru, seeing her reaction, it was just funny!

Next Phase in Life

Officially school has started again! The start of a “new” semester with one day of school per week, the ideal lifestyle of what every student longed for, one pathetic day of school. Yes, I’m saying that it’s pathetic because it doesn’t feel like I am a student anymore but rather, some out of place student going back to school to pass that module and get that dumb certificate, maybe not dumb but who actually flunks a module because of project work? Yes, me. The one that does well for exams and tests and yet, flunk project work. I’m a total genius, ain’t I?

ImageSo as for my home, things are about to change within this school term. Grandma’s stomach cancer had spread and she is in the last phrase of her life. TTSH doctor predict her life span of 6months before she kicks the bucket. She is now reduce to bones and skin, looking very fragile and weak. Her IQ dropped tremendously and that she barely could understand what I try to tell her. As much as I dislike how she kept nagging at me everyday over the most tiniest and ridiculous thing at home, somewhat the importance of her presence weight far more than parents. All I could do is to visit her more often and talk to her. Life sucks and sometimes I would wonder what can’t my parents swap place with granny. Granny has done so much more than what my parents did for me. Old age is something not irreversible and that my life journey will soon change without her company.

As for friends, the closest people I have now would probably be Siru and Yunteng, the two who will always be there when I needed them or somewhat to talk to. Like what they always say, you shouldn’t judge friends based on appearance and that the most beautiful people need not be beautiful in the interior as well. Siru and Yunteng may not be a great fashionistas that dresses well and look extremely beautiful in the streets in their outfits or those that are super attractive, but what they have is a great personality, and that is all that matters to me because I tried to look at them with my heart and not my eyes and that’s how friendship lasted this long.

Lately, I have also quit my job in The Regent Singapore. I don’t know would it be permanently or just temporarily. I have worked longed enough for a part-time job and including completing my internship at the same hotel. I love the colleagues and I learnt and gained alot there. It wasn’t easy but they taught me well. I guess it’s time to take what I have learnt and bring it to the next company or hotel. I have interest in housekeeping department for part-time jobs and sent a couple of resumes to the hotels I am interested in and hopefully I can get my reply from them soon! (*fingers cross*)

I guess life in Singapore is just really tough and stressful, and trying to survive is just extremely difficult especially when you don’t have the support of your family 😦

FYI, just a random sidetracking from my life, the related family from my maternal side in malaysia, like those cousins who are of the same age as me are getting married this year. Yes, I totally can’t believe it. Marriage at my age or slightly older. There’s so much more in life that is about to bring and tying the knot at this age seems totally unbelievable. It kind of restrict your growth for your future prospective. Still, I should be happy for them that they found that someone who they are going to grow old and sick with. I should be happy 🙂

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Enough of ranting for the day, till next time then.