白痴的我终于看清了个个…

The mid of March was something which I dreaded, in particular to the period of 19th-21st. My horrifying nightmare came back again! Yes, it was none other than menses or period whichever you would like to call it. As usual, I took my ponstan (a super strong painkiller prescribed by my gynae which is pretty bad for gastric if you take it in the long run), still I couldn’t avoid the killer cramps. They engulfed and took over me, my tolerance for pain and I was practically weeping in tears and shrieking in pain. Every period of pain came like a pulse, or perhaps a current of wave, smashing into my lower abdomen as if it was never ending.

At that period, all I wanted for was someone to helped me, but nobody did. I starved the entire day, because I was struggling in pain that I was in terrible cold and sweat, with lips pale than a sheet of A4 blank paper. Not even a tinge of energy was left in my body to be able to head out and take-away food. Then, the moment of realization hits me, it hits me hard, so much that it slap me some senses.

I realize how much my parents were so heartless that they didn’t even care about my existence. I was in pain and I had no choice but to text them to ask them if they could help me purchase a pack of noodles. They ignored my message. I waited for hours, there was no food. Although the words written “TAKE AFTER FOOD” in bold on the package of the ponstan pills, I had no choice but to take it with an empty stomach. I was too weak to get food. My next options were actually friends and I texted everyone, none replied, either that they claimed they were busy. Busy on a sunday. RIGHT! When I needed a tiny weeny help.

Later around midnight, I struggled out of the house to get food for my tummy was protesting way too badly. Guess what, my world was practically spinning and I couldn’t cross the road for the lights were spinning. I was nearly knock down by the car. NEARLY. It came to a large screeching haul with a loud honk at me. I was given one of the worst shock in my entire life.

我有朋友等于没朋友，当你最需要帮助时，她们何在？所谓的患难见真情，我终于看清了一切。虚假的友情，自称的朋友，全都是掏空！

这让我觉得活在这个虚假的世界是更加的痛苦，为何不能离去呢？

Living a life because people are telling me to.

I’m living because they wanted me to.

I’m living because they said I can’t die (not supposed to).

I’m living because they cared about me.

However, I can’t feel any of those care.

I’m numbed and living an aimless life that they told me to, to stay alive for their sake.

I just couldn’t get it why is everyone telling me to live on, and not encourage me to give up?

My life is meaningless and worthless, I can’t find a good reason to live on.

For the sake of myself?

If living on was for the sake of myself, for the sake of a bright future or for the beautiful things that may come, I will choose to give all these up. Why look into the future when you are in the present and stuck in this torturous cage up world with no options of escape?

People don’t understand the situation and can never understand how mentally tiring is it everyday enduring all the mean things that flows out from their devilish mouth and the sickening mental abuse that you have to be receiving daily.

I feel like a prisoner, a disgrace in the house. Someone worthless and only given freedom in her own room, within that four pathetic walls. Walking around and seeing them, my head is always down, avoiding their eyes or glances. I am just a weed, an utterly poor wretched which should be long gone for good.

I just need to build up more courage, a good motivating power to give me the strength to end everything.

Where is it?