Living a life because people are telling me to.

I’m living because they wanted me to.

I’m living because they said I can’t die (not supposed to).

I’m living because they cared about me.

However, I can’t feel any of those care.

I’m numbed and living an aimless life that they told me to, to stay alive for their sake.

I just couldn’t get it why is everyone telling me to live on, and not encourage me to give up?

My life is meaningless and worthless, I can’t find a good reason to live on.

For the sake of myself?

If living on was for the sake of myself, for the sake of a bright future or for the beautiful things that may come, I will choose to give all these up. Why look into the future when you are in the present and stuck in this torturous cage up world with no options of escape?

People don’t understand the situation and can never understand how mentally tiring is it everyday enduring all the mean things that flows out from their devilish mouth and the sickening mental abuse that you have to be receiving daily.

I feel like a prisoner, a disgrace in the house. Someone worthless and only given freedom in her own room, within that four pathetic walls. Walking around and seeing them, my head is always down, avoiding their eyes or glances. I am just a weed, an utterly poor wretched which should be long gone for good.

I just need to build up more courage, a good motivating power to give me the strength to end everything.

Where is it?

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6 thoughts on “Living a life because people are telling me to.

  1. gee, i wrote a lot…and that’s only half of what i wanted to say.Being alive may be hard at times but it IS much better than being dead. i know this from person experience. You are destined for an interesting life. stick with it, plan, have patience. you were made for happiness, it is definitely in you. “I’m living because they wanted me to” yes, we do.Isn’t that a lot? isn’t that, in part,  what most people live for?I want you to live, because i think your wonderful. and i know that the good life you wish for will come to you once you are out on your own. “I can’t find a good reason to live on.” Reasons to live?  food?cooking? shopping? laughing?(you say you pretend to have a happy face…silly girl.your drama experience is not enough to hide your inner sweetness and goodness.that s not a mask, that is the real you peeking out.  you DO have a happy face. but sometimes you are also desperately sad,too. you live intensely with both feelings.) your cat? me..your readers…friends you haven’t yet met. aren’t you curious? think of all the places you haven’t been. flowers. the special feel of the air in the early morning that only Singapore has.The boyfriends you will have when you stop being afraid of it – stop being so smart at coming up with clever reasons for not doing it. feed your heart. be responsible for your own happiness…it’s not  your parents job to make you happy now. Don’t you have a little sister? could you do this to her??? To me? i’ll feel responsible…you make me want to cry… Move to malaysia with grandpa, make ice kacang and teach him some of your new and impressive cooking skills.You said you confronted them once. what did you say to them? what was the original issue? you don’t seem rebellious to me, except for coming home drunk and throwing up.In old singapore that would be pretty low. you seem very hard working and serious and thoughtful. I’m curious , what is it that want from you? who do they want you to be?why do they hate you? I understand about being tired of fighting and resisting. As i said to you once last year, sometimes it is better to just let go of the fight. to disengage.just go along with things, sstay quiet, put thme out of your mind, start telling yourself that you don’t care what they think.

    Lots and lots of people have felt like you at this time of life. Me, for one. I’m pretty sure my child hood was worse than your’s is. Basically, your are still an adolescent, in an adolescent phase of life, trying to seperate yourself from your parents and their expectations..trying to be your own person. sometimes Parents will let you, sometimes they’ll help you. sometimes they won’t. guess yours won’t. But just imagine how you’ll feel when you’re free of them and free of this stress! there’s is no feeling, no happinesss, no exhilirating sense of freedom when you’re dead. there’s no relief. Only the tears of those you leave behind. And your parents increased contempt for your failure at living. Do you want that? It’s true that housing it expensive in singapore. but malaysia? why not go there? or find someone to share with somewhere.there is always a way. All you need is to get away. maybe one of your friends…maybe some expat needing to rent out a room. I think you’d fit in well with foreign culture. You could come here for a visit some day. i’d love to see you. we’ve got an extra room. There’s a big big world out here…get past your little family issues and start thinking like an adult.you are NOT trapped for ever in that little room with your parents.please please talk to me more. there is always a solution.

    From: T H E D R E A M E R To: hipgraham@yahoo.ca Sent: Tuesday, March 17, 2015 10:32 AM Subject: [New post] Living a life because people are telling me to. #yiv6392114415 a:hover {color:red;}#yiv6392114415 a {text-decoration:none;color:#0088cc;}#yiv6392114415 a.yiv6392114415primaryactionlink:link, #yiv6392114415 a.yiv6392114415primaryactionlink:visited {background-color:#2585B2;color:#fff;}#yiv6392114415 a.yiv6392114415primaryactionlink:hover, #yiv6392114415 a.yiv6392114415primaryactionlink:active {background-color:#11729E;color:#fff;}#yiv6392114415 WordPress.com | Yun Yun posted: “I’m living because they wanted me to.I’m living because they said I can’t die (not supposed to).I’m living because they cared about me.However, I can’t feel any of those care.I’m numbed and living an aimless life that they told me to, to sta” | |

  2. Hi Yunyun, this is Ellen, I am a friend of Garham. Garham跟我說他很担心你,他叫過我看看你的blodg好幾次,他說我們兩個有點相似的地方. 他說我們都覺得生活很辛苦,不知道生存為了什麼…是的,生存有時確實有點辛苦,但我相信如果你肯去找尋,精彩的時間還是比痛苦的時間多.這是我個人的體驗. 因為我暫時對你所知不多.所以只能跟你說這些.你身邊還有很多關心你的人,包括 Garham. 當然我們生存並不為任何人,只是為了我們自己!記着這句話吧! 希望我們能交個朋友,大家分享一下各自的內心世界,這樣你便不會再覺得獨單的了!

    • 你好。可是,我很累了。奶奶过世后,我已经没有活着的理由了…我自小就想结束生命了,是她让我答应她为了奶奶不要因我而痛苦,我才选择继续生活。没了她,生活毫无意义,加上天天活在这个屋子,比牢狱之苦还更痛苦万分…

      • 為什么,你的爸爸媽媽呢? 他們对你不好嗎? 你有沒有兄弟姐妹? 選擇結束生命會是一個很儍的決定. 世上那么多美好的事物還在等着你去發挖.你這么年輕,嘗試过多少東西. 你試过跟深愛的人去坐輕氣球嗎? 你試过跟自己的好朋友一起去旅遊嗎? 有時幸福是要靠自己爭取的. 你說痛苦,活在戰亂中的人比你痛苦十萬倍,他們還每天積極求存.我們這些小痛楚相比起他們的痛楚真在太微不足道了.可能我還沒了解到你的內心心處,可否跟我分享更多你的一切.

  3. This is so sad and depressing. What is happening with you??? Why torture yourself like this? This gloomy black cloud that settles over you at these times…where do you think it comes from, what is it? What feeds it? My opinion? you’re depressed because you are holding down your anger. and that feels like a huge pressure inside and yet a sense that you can’t do anything to escape the pressure, the omni-present sense of a threat that pervades the house that you live in. you may be afraid to look at them, but underneath you are angry. they have deserted you and betrayed you and you are angry about. holding in your anger makes you feel weak and hhelpless. Anyhow, that’s what many years of psychotherapy would suggest to me.   i want you to live. I like you. that may not mean much to you, but it does to me.     there’s probably a lot of people that read your blog that do care. Have you bothered to get to know any of them?(hint hint! 🙂 ) and you have your real life friends. Do you talk to any of them about these things?    You can get out of this and it’s not that hard if you can just find the courage to do something. I think that you need to confront your parents. Be angry, be hurt, be scared. Plead,throw things,cry… do whatever it takes to unlock some of that hidden emotion.  And if that seems too hard then  at least confront them here. I assume that it’s your parents that your talking about. You can start by being specific and clear in describing your situation and your problems with them. If you make it real, a simple description of practical problems and issues, you can start to dispel that sense of gloom, of being trapped in an insoluble(unsolvable?hehe) situation.  Why does this situation exist??? What started it? why do they seem to hate you? or is that just your imagination? I’ve read most of your posts over the years and i don’t see any specific real life event that caused this situation. put the details out in the open so that everyone can see.    normally, in adult life, things that make you feel this bad are things that you simply walk away from. If your parents are this awful then you don’t need them to care about you. you still have your grandfather in malaysia,right? or go to china and teach english or something. Or try to find a room or an apartment on your own or with a friend. Or find a way to go to europe or come over here, to canada or the states. apply for a work/study visa. or just an overseas work/travel visa that are available for people under the age of 25.  I don’t know how practical, how easy, some of those things are to do in singapore…but i’m sure that there is a way out.    i wish we could talk about these things…I don’t like the feeling of lecturing to you that comes from such one-sided conversation. Do you have qq yet? i am graham, qq number 1291006118. i also have skype.  morning your time i am usually available.my skype name is the same as my yahoo name-hipgraham. You may think that i’m being harsh and unsympathetic. not true, i just think you need to shake out of this gloom….any sense of helplessness in this is just inyour imagination. . you can change things BY MAKING A CHANGE, not by keeping things the same.  Really, i’m very sympathetic…it is very similar to how i felt when i was your age. ?But sympathy alone doesn’t change anything or fix anything.    My family may not have been quite as bad as yours but my overall home life in that little town was pretty awful and quite hopeless. i felt completely alone and disliked by everyone.  so i left. Getting away felt so much better. I didn’t care where I went or where I slept, i just needed to get away. I lived pretty rough on very little money for a while but i started to see that life wasn’t so bad afterall. Frankly, i think that your life is much easier than mine was. At least you have friends. If they don’t know or understand your inner pain that’s because you haven’t shared it with them. (have you?, from reading here it doesn’t seem like you talk about it, you keep it too too seperate, thereby isolating yourself even from those who might care. And believe me , it really helps if you can cry on someone’s shoulder rather than crying alone.    Next time you feel real bad take a chance and call me,ok? I’m always on your side…even though i just might want to give you the occaisional verbal kick in the pants to get you moving(figuratively speaking). 🙂

    From: T H E D R E A M E R To: hipgraham@yahoo.ca Sent: Tuesday, March 17, 2015 10:32 AM Subject: [New post] Living a life because people are telling me to. #yiv5024222031 a:hover {color:red;}#yiv5024222031 a {text-decoration:none;color:#0088cc;}#yiv5024222031 a.yiv5024222031primaryactionlink:link, #yiv5024222031 a.yiv5024222031primaryactionlink:visited {background-color:#2585B2;color:#fff;}#yiv5024222031 a.yiv5024222031primaryactionlink:hover, #yiv5024222031 a.yiv5024222031primaryactionlink:active {background-color:#11729E;color:#fff;}#yiv5024222031 WordPress.com | Yun Yun posted: “I’m living because they wanted me to.I’m living because they said I can’t die (not supposed to).I’m living because they cared about me.However, I can’t feel any of those care.I’m numbed and living an aimless life that they told me to, to sta” | |

    • I tried confronted them once before, they avoided me all my questions. Said I was ridiculous. I was a rebellious kid. They turn the tables around and said I was rude when they were the ones who were raising my voice and yelling at me first. I started the convo nicely and calmy and I believe I did nothing wrong. Worst of all, the end result of the confrontation, everything became my fault and they wanted to chase me out.
      Housing is expensive here, living is costly, all my friends are pampered princesses and princes. They would never understand all this.
      What is there to do? Furthermore, I’m really tired, of fighting and resisting. I wanted to end life since young but promise grandma to live on as long as she is living. Now she is gone, I can leave anytime I want.

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