Where are you, self-confidence?

I’ve always never understood why am I such a quiet person who is unable to hold a conversation with someone or even start a simple conversation, now I finally found the answer.

After spending an evening with Uncle Dav and Jo, they convinced me that I was lacked of self-confidence. Uncle Dav said I was afraid, I was afraid that someone to say I am wrong, but instead I should have the attitude and my own viewpoint. He was absolutely right.

The reason that I started blogging since young that I don’t even realize was because I needed a place to speak my mind, someone to hear my words, someone to hear me and somewhere I could vent everything out without worrying about anyone judging. My blog was literally my freedom of speech, I could voice everything and talk about anything without being judged.

And even after I tried hard to make myself look better, scrimping and working hard to afford for braces to make me look beautiful, taking medicine to cure my eczema, and learning how to dress up, keep fit and look good, learning about makeup, it was just temporarily satisfaction and temporary confidence that I felt. But deep down, something was just missing.

Then when I started pole-dancing, I found out how everyone did not judge me from a plain jane who never exercise much nor dance, they encouraged me and I made leaps of improvements. Plus, when I’m on the pole facing that full-length wall mirror, I felt confident, I was capable, I found myself. It was gratifying and a satisfying feeling I felt about myself.

I guess I need to re-discover myself to truly find my confidence. I know my family environment is probably the worst and the main cause of my lack in self-confidence, for they constantly criticize on my actions and character, that is when I started to self-contain myself to protect myself. I need to step out from this fear, I have to overcome it.

It’s really a battle of mind over fear, I need to win this battle please.

麼麼,我害怕。

麼麼,你近来还好吗?

我越来越害怕,害怕我那跌伤的手臂不知何时才会完全复原。我很怀念那跳钢管舞的日子,并又拥有个稳定的工作。现在,没了工作,又不能去找新的工作,我真害怕我什么时候,我的积蓄会掏空。我不想又变得口袋一毛也没有,过着吃泡面的日子。那时还有你在,为我煮饭,我还勉强过得去。现在没了你,如果我银行真的没钱了,我真的不知道该如何继续活下去。

麼麼,你能不能让我的手臂快点好起来?我真的很害怕变成个穷女孩。我还没还完我钱那巫婆的钱,更还没存够积蓄给我上大学。我的梦想何时才会实现,一年的时间其实看似很长,但过着过着,时间也就这样飘走了,我不想老来没成就。麼麼,请你帮帮我吧!

 

2016’s CNY

This year’s chinese new year was slightly in fact a vast difference from last year’s CNY. This year marks the 2nd year of CNY without grandma and as usual during the eve, I was super devastated and feeling emotional without her presence.

I wasn’t able to work during CNY eve like last year with the doubled pay job as my arm is in elbow brace and can’t carry any heavy items. I spend the eve at home with my laptop and had mac for dinner as usual alone. It was just another lonely cny eve while everyone else is with their family.

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My little bae came at 10pm like as if he was god sent. He accompanied me till around 3-4am and I felt really blessed with his company. He was just sitting right outside the gate and staring at me and even fell asleep while waiting. SUPER CUTE! ❤

Monday was CNY Day 1 and Nydia invited me to join her family for house-visiting and dinner. For the first time ever in the whole of my entire life, I experienced house-visiting and going to “relatives” place with a family. It felt really amazing and fun. Then during the evening, she brought me to her aunt’s place, we tossed “yu-sheng” and her uncle cooked “pen-cai” it was deliciousss, especially when it’s filled with lots of luxurious goodies like scallops, abalones, prawns and mushrooms.

Later that night, my cabin crew cousin texted me out of the blue to join them to play “ban-luck” and I went. I lost alittle money but it was fine.

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The next day was the highlight of my CNY experiences, Mrs Warren invited me to her place for CNY party. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned before, Mrs Warren was Scotty’s owner and Scotty ran out of their house and wandered to my place while they were in UK. So, I called and returned Scotty to their owner and that’s how I got to know them. They have 2 little boys now, Cam and Finn. And Kermit passed on because he was terribly sick. Scotty is 14 years old now.

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Thank you Scotty, for bringing me to get to know Mrs Warren and Mr Warren. They are really nice former neighbours who treats me really well, advised me and taught me many important life facts that no one told me. They are like my parents, elder siblings and really cool and hippy parents!

Mr Warren is a chef and the food that he cooks is superb! That amazing tender and soft baked chicken was the best chicken I ever had. And Mrs Warren is just a super humorous and funny lady hahaha, I spend from like noon till evening at their place before leaving to Ah Bao’s place (my former workplace’s supervisor) in Bukit Panjang.

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Day 3, I went out shopping with Felicia and Orchard for her valentine’s present for her boyfriend and the shops were pretty much like ghost towns and I felt totally like VIPs in there. Awesome! But we ended up not buying anything because she couldn’t decide and the shops closed promptly at 9.30 and 10pm. OOPS.

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And I can’t believe v-day is coming again. Damn I’m single again with no one for v-day this year. Oh wells… 😛

 

Virgin Trip to BKK

I’ve always been wanting to go Bangkok since years back and finally I found company to go with after a futile effort of asking Siru and some other friends to go with. I know Bangkok isn’t safe, else the impulsive me would have went alone. Ei ei who is Felicia’s best friend, and I were on our very first trip to Bangkok and Felicia had to bring us around for 4D3N.

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Our flight was in the morning, at 0940hours and we would be landing in Bangkok at 1055 (Bangkok time). I managed to book the 2 way flight at $120.84/nett per person (inclusive of all taxes and booking fee) during Tigerair Flash Sales every thursday which include a 15kg check in luggage during the return flight. I reached there early in the morning and went for breakfast at Macdonalds while waiting for the two before checking in.

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This was how I looked, I was wearing my elbow brace to travel, it’s my first ever time travelling as a patient. I know my doctor advised me not to travel but my therapist encouraged me to go, a contrast in opinions but my need for travel was way too strong to be dis-encouraged. #yolo

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We were actually pretty late for boarding because Felicia was shopping for her YSL lipstick at the Duty-Free shop and we literally made a dash because it was flashing “Last Boarding” on the screen. AND we made it but we had to take this airport bus to the plane and climb up the stairs to board the plane without using the airport gate link. What a new experience. It wasn’t easy to board the plane this way because I had a carry on luggage and the stairs were steep, thanks to Ei Ei who carried my luggage up the stairs for this handicapped girl. ❤

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Tigerair was never punctual or early for its timing but we managed to land in Bangkok’s Suvarnabhumi Airport at around 1110hrs (BKK time). HURRAY! I was thrilled like a little girl on it’s very first venture to a new destination. I love the airport smell and the sound of luggage dragging towards the customs clearance felt really satisfying.

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We took a cab to our hotel and it cost us 500 baht/journey. I know it’s a little pricey but it was split among the 3 of us, so I guess it was fine considering that I’m slightly handicapped. The hotel we would be staying for 3 nights was called Aloft Bangkok Sukhumvit 11. I booked it for $377.56 on Hotelclub.com ($125.85nett/night) for the Chic Room (2 Queen bed). YES! I didn’t had a typo but it was my first time seeing a standard twin room that uses 2 queen bed. It was COOL! It could actually fit 4 person in a room even though its not a family room.

There was a 300o baht deposit to be given (1000baht/night) upon checking in. My room was not unavailable when I reached the hotel around 1215hours so we went for a lunch around the hotel area and familiarizing with our neighbourhood.

After lunch, we came back and were served by the duty manager and she was pretty mean on rules and hotel benefits because I forgotten to indicate 3 person for the room but left it as the default 2 and she spotted 3 of us which landed me into some trouble. I had to quarrel with her alittle and ended up that I cooked up a lie that my friend would not be staying over but I’ll book another hotel nearby for her to stay because she wanted us to pay around $139 more for the extra person which I wasn’t really keen to.

I’ve worked in hotel before and I know that most hotels aren’t that strict because I’ve stayed in several 4/5 stars establishments and I had 4 person in a room and yet we did not encounter such issue. SHE was just trying to hack my money…OK enough of that bad experience.

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This was the room. It was pretty cosy and spacious and I love the bathroom except for that shower which was a rain shower and had no hand-held shower.

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While Ei ei was getting some rest as she was working night shift the day before, we went to the nearby 7-11 to stock up some snacks and…

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OUR FRIDGE!!! Ok Bangkok’s alcohols and beers are cheap… since we weren’t fans of beers, we got ourselves theseeee, the cheapest one cost around 32bahts and the bottle of Pink Guava Breezer cost around 56bahts if I remembered correctly. Yes they were around $1plus-$2plus! But guess what we didn’t them until like the last night because we were too tired from shopping each night HAHA 😛

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The hotel’s rooftop pool. It’s an infinity pool but too bad it wasn’t on like the top floor of the hotel, else it would be perfect as you can get a good view of Sukhumvit and Bangkok’s skyline.

This was Level 2, and I saw these round swinging chairs which were really inviting when I was venturing around the hotel on Day 2 morning after waking up early and I had fun sitting and swinging around like a little kid. I don’t know why I’m behaving like a not-a-grown-up although I’m turning 22 this year. I guess the kid in me is always still there… 😀

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Thailand version of Tokyo Banana. I’ve never tried Tokyo Banana before but the Thailand version was SO DELICIOUS! I think I can have many of them without going sick of it. I love how the sponge is airy and light and the banana filling is not overly sweet nor overwhelming in taste. I got this from 7-eleven for less than 10 bahts. You guys should totally try it! ❤ ❤ ❤

Banana prata! I bought it off the roadside stall for 40bahts near our hotel and polished off the entire thing as the girls didn’t fancy sweet stuff and they were busy eating their pig intestines. (Yikes, I’m not a fan of internal organs as food.) It was nice as usual since the last I had it in Phuket during the grad trip. YUMS! 

Thai Coconut Crepe! The freshly made version. I had the sweet original flavour while Ei ei chose the salty one, costed us 10 bahts each. The white thingy seemed like merengue and it was super super sweet like melted mashmellows. I love the crepe it was finely thin and crispy. I bought 2 boxes of the mini versions back as souvenirs for myself and Siru.

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Thai Boat noodles. Felicia brought us to Union Mall to shop and I tried this Boat Noodles for the very first time which were super yummy but spicy. They came in like tiny portion which you are suppose to finish it in one mouth. Every food in the shop cost 12baht or was it 15…but the milk tea cost 40bahts.

3D Ice-cream. I got myself the blueberry yoghurt flavour and they were really pretty and tasty. I regretted not getting the coconut ice-cream because the girls were too busy shopping that we didn’t had much time for food. DAMNNN, I miss the authentic coconut ice-cream. URGH. But this one was good as well. It cost me around 80 bahts which is pretty pricey but I guess it’s worth it for a pretty ice-cream popsicle. 🙂

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Fried Sweet Potato Balls. They are like thailand version of mini non-sugar coated donuts. They taste naturally sweet because of sweet potatoes as the main ingredients DUH! I can’t remember how much it cost, think it was 35 bahts? I love them but if only Siru was around to share with me because the girls had really differing taste buds and preference from mine. Where’s my food buddy?! 😦

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Thai’s Pork Skewers. Another version of pork satay but with bigger chunks of marinated meat. Each stick cost around 15baht. I manage to find another stall which look less hygienic for 10baht. (I didn’t had diarrhea thankfully!) I tried it once in Phuket and I couldn’t get enough. Cravings satisfied again this time hehe.

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You guys know it. The famous wanton mee that you have to try in BANGKOK. It took me some good walking under the hot sun before finding the stall. I know Ei Ei and Felicia weren’t digging it but I was! Thanks for accompanying me to find food though you girls were more into shopping… I had two bowls and they cost 100 bahts for a bowl. SUPER OVERPRICED but hey, it was GOOD!

[ Thanks to the wanton mee, we landed ourselves in a wholesale clothing area that is opposite Platinum Mall and we had ourselves some good bargaining of clothes that cost only 120-150bahts. YES, no joke! Only if you bought 2 pieces or more… ]

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Here a photo of Ei ei and I having our takeaway dinner from the roadside stalls along Soi 11 which was the street our hotel was located at. Felicia wasn’t a fan of photos so we didn’t had any taken together sadly. We were sharing 2 Pad Thais, Pork and Chicken (80bahts each. SO PRICEY OMG) and Som Tum (80bahts each too).

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We had our gelish nails done at Union Mall for 250bahts which is around less than $10 SGD. We wanted to do at MBK but it was super costly, think it was 500-800bahts. DAMN. Felicia also had her eyelash extensions at Union Mall for 500bahts. Union Mall is cheap but the people barely spoke English so we had a hard time asking them for price but thankfully we still managed to get what we wanted.

Btw, I had a trans who did my nails for me. Her features were pretty masculine but she looked like a lady. She did my nails in the most gentlest way possible especially when I was in an elbow brace. I don’t know what’s up with guys always rejecting trans and going ewww…yikes and joking about them, but I think they are really nice people and it just suddenly dawn onto me that they are humans too and they have a life, they spoke out for themselves and maybe God didn’t give them the right gender that they deserve to be or probably they were born in the wrong human body. They made a choice to change for what they truly are and I don’t think people should just criticize about them. HEY, they are beautiful too even if they were created under the cuts of knives.

So we literally travelled around Bangkok shopping malls with its MRT and mainly BTR which costed us around 18baht-32bahts (1-2 stations distance was 15-18bahts, 3 stations onwards was 22bahts for a single journey ticket and the rest I can’t really recall). It was super convenient and it beats the heavy traffic jam and the trouble to negotiate with those scheming taxi-driver or tuk-tuks. It wasn’t really that congested as compared to Singapore’s. The people there were way nicer and had manners especially towards a left arm handicapped like me. They gave way and even gave up seats for me. I was totally surprised and touched because in Singapore, even if I was in cast, people would just walk past and bang into my cast or my current brace like nobody’s business even if the path was wide and had plenty of room. AND, nobody gave seats up for me in SG. OMG, SG, you should totally reflect upon your courtesy please.

Secretly, I  managed to steal some sneaky selfie that included Felicia. I know my left arm is unable to hold a phone thus the ugly angles and I couldn’t groom myself properly… so pardon the ugliness in the photos throughout this trip. I’ll take better ones the next time round.

On our last night in Bangkok, Felicia and I wanted to go to Levels, the nightclub that was right outside our hotel which they didn’t not had affiliations with. GUESS WHAT. My arm was rejected by the bouncer and barred from entering. TSK annoying. So we ended up at this random bar and bought a 250 bahts cocktail that tasted like a mocktail. We got hit up by some guy that claims to be from New York and he was chased away by the staff thankfully. (It wasn’t a big issue for us but that something interesting for staying in the red-light district of Bangkok. Lots of party girls and with the foreign blonde tourists. What a sight.)

Our return flight was another tale to tell. Apparently, Ei ei got separate from us during shopping in the wholesale area opposite Platinum Mall. We ended up shopping together and lost track of time, we literally ran to the BTS because it was jam for the road on a weekend. Then Felicia had to stopped by Big C, which ended up super late. Ei ei was already waiting for us at the hotel and I knew the road was going to be jam but then… it just all happens and we missed our checking in time at 1725hrs as we only alighted at 1725hrs. The only choice was for us to re-schedule and book the next flight which was departing at 1940hours. We had to pay around SGD52 (we paid in bahts) each to get the next flight thankfully.

Then when we thought everything was fine. We cleared immigration and went for a meal at the wrong end of the airport at boarding gate zone F. when our boarding was at zone D. We ate and lost track of time again. The gate was closing at 1915hours and I only left the area at 1910hours while the girls were still eating…OMG. To my horror, I realize it was a good 1km walk to the boarding gate. I literally dash and run with all my life even though I was one arm handicap and holding a bagpack and carrying a sling bag. I just DASHED!!! Nearly to the point where I was blanking out, I managed to reach the boarding gate 3mins late and I board the plane with my heart pounding tremendously fast as though it’s gonna fly out any moment.

Right before I boarded, the staff suddenly called out to me and asked where were my companions… I told them they were still eating and they made me call them, which I did. The airport crews even comms their name to get them to the boarding gate. The crews told me if they didn’t arrive in 5 mins they will leave without them. OH GOD. But thankfully, they boarded the plane safely. PHEW. I think the boarding crews in Bangkok really goes extra mile to call their passengers to board their planes. I remembered I nearly missed my plane in Hongkong especially when I didn’t know that they had a change in gate.

All the drama on the last day, it was a good lesson learnt for us to be punctual or risk more monetary loss.

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Anyway, I had a great time in Bangkok especially on the shopping part. Felicia was exceptionally good at bargaining prices and Ei ei was a good companion and taking care of people. And I was pleased with all the items I bought in Bangkok. AWESOME 😀 ❤

 

 

 

Hello, Feb.

Bye January, you’ve been the worst month ever in the history of my 21 years on Earth.

I lost my job.

I was terminated for the worst reason ever.

I was being accused by my boss.

I’m a workaholic and I can’t tolerate this ridiculous thing that’s ever happened in my employment history.

I had to go to MOM to get my pay and my rights back.

Awful shit.

I had a major fall off the pole.

Why?

Because I didn’t ate and felt weak and lost grip.

What a fool, I know.

I went A&E and xray shows I chipped my elbow bone.

In a cast and then now in an elbow brace.

25days worth of mc.

I couldn’t believe it.

BUT …

The worst is that I have to stop pole for a good 3 months.

This is really AWFULLL !!!

(Ps. I feel super bad right now, I’m like eating and sleeping and doing nothing. I still have 10 more days to burn…)