I’ve always never understood why am I such a quiet person who is unable to hold a conversation with someone or even start a simple conversation, now I finally found the answer.
After spending an evening with Uncle Dav and Jo, they convinced me that I was lacked of self-confidence. Uncle Dav said I was afraid, I was afraid that someone to say I am wrong, but instead I should have the attitude and my own viewpoint. He was absolutely right.
The reason that I started blogging since young that I don’t even realize was because I needed a place to speak my mind, someone to hear my words, someone to hear me and somewhere I could vent everything out without worrying about anyone judging. My blog was literally my freedom of speech, I could voice everything and talk about anything without being judged.
And even after I tried hard to make myself look better, scrimping and working hard to afford for braces to make me look beautiful, taking medicine to cure my eczema, and learning how to dress up, keep fit and look good, learning about makeup, it was just temporarily satisfaction and temporary confidence that I felt. But deep down, something was just missing.
Then when I started pole-dancing, I found out how everyone did not judge me from a plain jane who never exercise much nor dance, they encouraged me and I made leaps of improvements. Plus, when I’m on the pole facing that full-length wall mirror, I felt confident, I was capable, I found myself. It was gratifying and a satisfying feeling I felt about myself.
I guess I need to re-discover myself to truly find my confidence. I know my family environment is probably the worst and the main cause of my lack in self-confidence, for they constantly criticize on my actions and character, that is when I started to self-contain myself to protect myself. I need to step out from this fear, I have to overcome it.
It’s really a battle of mind over fear, I need to win this battle please.