A Year of Flying

It’s been a year plus a month since my first SNY (supernumerary flight aka training flight). All the things that I have been through, trashy flights, badly planned rosters, weirdo and faulty passengers, repeated flights in the same month, medical cases, stolen passport, weird roomies, and what else?

Sometimes, I’m just really exhausted to the point, hey, let’s give up layovers for a turn or a standby. It doesn’t matter if my allowances gets affected or I don’t get to travel as much. Yes, it kinda doesn’t matter anymore, because for this one year of flying, I gave up alot, on friendship, love life and most importantly, POLE-DANCING!

I realized how everyone has progressed so much and there’s me barely any progression and I feel miserable. Not only that, my flexibility remained stagnant and dropped alittle which is very depressing. I wish I was bendy as a rubber band now. Ok, now back to flying.

As flying is very interesting and amazing when I first started, this feeling seemed so surreal nowadays. I feel like I am dragging my soul and body to report for flight every single time. I’m not longer feeling that tinge of excitement and visiting the countries. I guess mainly it’s because of my roster, constantly getting Japan, Japan and more Japan. I am definitely not a great fan of Japan but rather China. I love visiting China, even if it’s over and over again, the passengers are humorously funny and cute for I rather be a “airplane guide” to explain to them how to use the toilet, how to order meals and such than to be using sign language to explain to a passenger which made me feel very worthless.

But then again, getting China flights is harder than you ever imagine. There are those people who are blessed with great rosters and there’s me trying hard to swap for a china flight even if it meant only just a night stay or having to take several standbys and turnaround flights for it.

I know I’m silly, But then again, when you are an unlucky person what else can you do? Sacrifices.

But probably not anymore this year. I’m really exhausted.

I thought so many times about quitting.

I wanted a more stagnant destination, I rather do same destination layovers over and over again, but definitely not Japan but somewhere in Asia. Hmmm

I wanted back my pole dancing life really badly. Really really.

I’m so sick of speaking English as a result my Chinese is getting very choppy.

Sometimes I just am so badly rested I wish I could stopped flying for a good one month.

DAMN.

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妈妈,我又想你多一年了。

今天是新的一年,本应该是个非常开兴喜庆的日子。还记得那前几年你还在的日子,我都会和你一起在客厅里观看电视节目的新年倒数节目。可已经过了那么多年了,我都从来忘不了你离去的那一幕也忘不了你和我开心地度过的每一年,每一天,每一个节日。

可我今年病了,病得有点严重,但我昨晚回家时,脸色苍白,就连我的唇色也是白的,可那可恶的巫婆却当我一踏进门时却是“你为什么那么快回来?”,可我却低声的求她可以不可以帮我找哪里还有医生可以看病。她却骂我说,你活该,乱吃东西才会生病,并又和她娇贵的女儿说的有声有笑,可我真的一点力气也无法和她顶撞,躺在床上就这样昏睡过去了。

我真的很痛心,做为一个生我的母亲你连一个最基本的同情心也不舍我一点,我真的无话可说。就连你幼儿园的小朋友你都会带他们去看医生,但我可是你怀在肚子里9个月生出来的,但你连一点怜悯之心也无。我不知道我为什么一直抱着那薇薇的期望,希望有一天你会关心我一点,可我每次都告诉自己,别再骗自己了,妈妈也告诉我你的巫婆生母是不会回头的,她的迷信已经无法理喻,连平常人,辅导员都无法接通的。我的心还是算了吧。

可我。。。却还是有那么一点的心痛。

妈妈,如果你还在,我今天不会是个没人要的孩子。我真的很想你,真想你我生病的时候你为我做的一切。我常常都梦见你,可我知道你只能活在我脑海里,在我的心里。你留给我的所有东东,我都不要也从未动过,我只想用来换你这个人。

我不想继续伪装成一个非常独立又坚强的女生,其实我一点也不是,我有颗和玻璃一般的精碎的心,一碰就会碎。我经常出国旅行是为了逃避,为了想你更少一些,那短暂的忙碌已经开始让我的身体吃不肖,时不时就生病。

我知道我真的傻,傻的无可救药,但时光是无法倒流,我的心也只能一直一直地被这样则疼下去。

病了,但心也病得更加严重。

妈妈,你在天上是否还想起这个在地球上被折磨的孩子?

妈妈,新年快乐。

我一直都会想你。

嗯,当我在打出此文时,我的泪水已淹没了这整台电脑。