I lost myself

We’ve been together for 662 days as I’m typing this post (I did not count this, it’s an app that helps to keep track of the days).

Lately, I have been abnormally vomitting everyday and couldn’t sleep well in the night because he has given me cold shoulder. I really have no idea what went wrong in our relationship.

I have been thinking and pondering over what he said like what we want to pursue in life is different and that we couldn’t communicate at all and he is the one dragging the wagon of this entire relationship while I’m doing nothing and I was the one who wanted him to do this do that but I did like almost nothing for him.

Like hello? When he is angry and in the state of debating, he is always in the mode to attack and no matter what the defendant tries speak, he will shoot every single thing down by bringing the past up.

It’s not an argument, it’s not debating and winning a debate in a relationship, we need communicate and talk things out, I believe I have the rights to speak my words. I apologise first doesn’t mean I’m in the wrong sometimes, I putting myself soft, so we can end the argument, argument is unhealthy and I know your temper is out-of-hand. I just didn’t want things to be worst. That’s all.

Maybe I was wrong, maybe I should have spoke up, maybe I shouldn’t be the first to apologise thinking that he will be able to stop the argument and peacely talk things out.

Yes I did made a mistake, I misread it your lonely as you’re bored. It was my fault. But throwing a huge temper at me was really mean.

I tried my best to reply you timely because last last month in January I was having bad menses cramps and I did told you I had bad cramps, it took me really long to fight the cramps and I dozed off, my phone was in silent mode because I did not want notifications on phone to disturb my rest. You called and called and I was fast asleep, by the time I woke up and called you, you blasted at me for not answering your phone. You couldn’t even listen to my explanation at all. I had to agree that I was answer and text you as fast I could.

and so I did subsequently.

It was just this one mistake I made that probably hurt you and made you felt that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I was in Amritsar , about to report for flight. What could I do…

When you told me you are stressed from work, I always encourage you and told you to calm down first, because you always rage, things will get better, but you said my reply was a fixed template. I do not know your work, I can’t give specific advise, what could I do beside encouraging you? I can’t possibly tell you to quit and get a new job. Winners aren’t quitter you see.

You said you are the one trying to earn more money for us. You said I did not had the goal to pursue ranking in my career. Flying was my career. Flying has been my dream. Being a leader wasn’t my dream at all, I just wanted to meet more people, know more about the different cultures and uniqueness of every cities that has to offer. That was and have been my dream. Yes, being a leader means a huge leap in income, sort of, but I lead life all along to do things that made me happy. Probably in the near future I might become someone who lead, but I am not ready to stick with working with the same position in the aircraft now.

Then you bring up the past that I requested you to do things like meet once a week, but that was because we weren’t in a relationship yet and our relationship was not very close and intimate to a point to be meeting several times a week plus we always had a full day to spend with each other a week. That was more than enough. But now, you work long hours and I work shifts, we don’t have the luxury to have a full day to spend per week and the only thing that could keep our relationship going, was that I made the sacrifice to meet you at your work after you end so that we can catch up with each other , considering that we don’t spend time on calls or video calls, texting can’t show emotions. I probably analysing the situation now, but he probably would think that I’m blaming him which I obviously am not, I have been trying to make things work on my side because his long work hours can’t be changed and of course he shouldn’t change or reject his clients just to meet me, and since I work shifts, I had more off days and rest day than him then why not? I take my time to meet him instead from the time he end work , head home and have dinner. At least he doesn’t feel that alone, consider that I do spend quite some days overseas at times.

I really tried, I tried so hard to pray for good rosters every month, trying so hard to ask 2500plus crews to swap flights with me every single month so I can have saturdays night off to be able to spend time with you, although sometimes I failed, like when I have a too attractively high paying layover, that I would lose several hundreds of bucks if I give away.

I tried to change so much of myself for you but I did not mentioned to claim credit. I just want things to work between us, that’s all. But the things that we did when we were dating vs the things that we did in a relationship should been different somehow. Sometimes I don’t ask for us to be dumping in cash to have a good time out, but rather I just want to spend some quality time with you , talking and communicating which we obviously lack.

And have you ever even wondered, I did changed? Whatever you said , I tried to change, and listen although it wasn’t an immediate effect but I did.

I gave up my old-fashioned mindset despite all your persistent trying of luck (something that I had held strongly onto), I gave up my disbelief in trust ( taking a leap of faith to start things again). I know I’m a fool, I gave up things that matter to me most, my beliefs that I held strongly to , for the sake of you, and for that one thing that I wanted the relationship to work and last between us.

I’m really at a lost, I feel like I lost myself. I tried so hard to make things work between us because I really loved you, and that night, and all the cold treatment (because you said I did this to you last time why can’t you do this to me). It’s like an evil cycle, all this returning the bad things that you’ve done to the other party , it’s never ending. It’s only will lead to a tragic outcome, I don’t want it to happen. I really don’t.

i do love you, I really really do.