Late Night Thoughts

I never thought my first relationship would have ended this way. NEVER.

I used to think that if I date long enough with someone, I would have be able to know him well to be able to commit to a relationship with him and probably be there for him till old, I was such a fool to be even thinking this way.

I was someone who used to date but never dared to commit to relationship, being choosy, refusing to date any of my colleagues, classmates or even customers. I drew a clear line between school and work and personal life. Come to think of it, it probably would have been a mistake.

Then, after all that many dates, I ultimately chose to commit to one who shared very similar family background and experiences and a leap of faith, the same age. Why particular same of age? I ever did dated one with the same of age and then told myself never to date one that’s same of age even if he was a few months older. Maturity.

They say guys mature later, and it’s true. Even though at that point in time, I chose to believe that with life experiences some might mature earlier. Hah.

The start of the relationship wasn’t an easy one, aplenty of misunderstandings, aplenty of quarrels, although there was also aplenty of happy and romantic moments, and before coming to its peak. It was short-lived, I was wrong to have given him a guilt-free pass. I was utterly wrong. How could I ever been so stupid to done so? I didn’t know.

That guilt-free pass decision that I made brought me a series of events, probably to why I had decided to give up on the relationship on my side too. I was someone who I can trust you a 100%, never question who you are out with, you could probably said “dinner with friends”, I would believe you without doubt. And that one fine day when you realise something was going amiss, your sixth sense tell you so. Like there isn’t any warning, you’ll feel it something is amiss, he was talking to this girl sexually for months, met her and drank together alone. BAM~instantly the entire trust was gone.

It’s like taking a glass and shattering it into pieces and being the curious me, I still wanted to know the details of the truth despite knowing that it’ll hurt a million pieces. Like your heart already had been stabbed, and the details were just knife twisting and turning in your heart. Beyond repair.

I was in Sydney, having my layover, chose to spend my time in the hotel, to plan for his birthday surprise, because no one ever really celebrate for him, like me, and I just didn’t want him to experience the same loneliness that I felt every year of being unimportant. From booking the hotel, planning my itinerary of what to do, where to get the cake, where to get decoration, time to check in, time to decorate, time to meet him, everything had to be flawless so that he does not know what was going on. It was really really difficult, with all the rushing here and there, I was literally a sweating mess. And all this while, he met someone at her house, drank and did naughty stuff and then they still continue sexting, behind my back.

It’s ok. I choose to forgive , after all it was my fault right, I shouldn’t have given a guilt-free pass.

The next year, now this was worst.
I planned another birthday surprise for him while I was in the hospital, on the hospital bed, damn gastritis, it was already giving me a warning signal. I did , all the birthday surprise planning prep as usual, and he was suppose to come at night. Guess what time he game? 2-3am! I waited, hour after hour. Silly and doing nothing of hours of waiting, and guess what he said? He was busy and did not reply. When he reached, he told me this, I was having dinner with my friends because they knew it was my birthday and wanted to celebrate with me. Right. I pre-inform him way beforehand, and as a girlfriend who out-of-love wanted to celebrate birthday with him and yet I was left there waiting for hours with no news? Come on, man. It’s priorities.

Intentionally ignoring someone messages, is really rude. Plus, I did not spam him. And the fact that he lied being busy, was totally disrespectful. But then I chose to suck it up, because back then when he was dating me, I was really mean and didn’t really give him the enough attention that he wanted, it’s my fault. I’m someone who takes really long to warm up to people, like really long, I meant months here, and I take really long to fall for people too. I don’t trust infatuation or love at first sight, it’s the little things that you do accumulated over the months and years that make me fall deeper for someone.

Well, it’s kinda my fault for being such an absolute geek. But it’s me. I accepted it which I shouldn’t have.

Eventually, he initiated a breakup right after his birthday and I being shamelessly, went to his house to beg him to give him One More Chance to work on the relationship. I put down my pride my dignity for all him. I know you probably would condemn me for being disgraceful, but at that point in time, I wasn’t ready to give up I still wanted to work on everything and starting afresh. Even though he took one month before telling me he is willing to give it a shot to work on the relationship and starting afresh, he never actually forgive all the things in the past be it things I done wrong and the hurt that I did when he was woo- ing me.

Over the months, I saw too much of cold shoulder, way too much, intentional avoidances, refusal to hold a convo, being placed in the lowest priority and letting another girl whom he claimed that they were close friends took over my position. To the point I finally realised it was time to let go. He couldn’t forgive the past, he did not believe that I was someone who is willing to be there for him through thick and thin and to build a future together and placing me at the lowest in priority, was the last thing that I ever wanted. I rather be a friend, than to be placed in the lowest priority as a girlfriend, there isn’t really much to holding to a title of being your girlfriend but getting ignore 100% of the time.

We were done, I chose the amiable end to end my first relationship. We remain as friends, it was really much better that we be friends. Similar family background, it was easier to understand all the sufferings and hardships in the house. Perhaps we probably just weren’t meant for each other, 他可能就是我人生的过路客,或一段二十岁人生的一段回忆罢了。If only I had listened to the dreams that Ah Ma had been trying to tell me all along, I probably wouldn’t have been hurt this badly to be admitted several times in hospital due to gastritis that arises from him and yet I couldn’t tell anyone. I really do hope that he’ll turn out to be a better man who set his priorities right for that girl that has been trying to get his attention all this time and I’ll be proud to as a friend.

Au revoir.