Why am I such a fool?

I feel horrible, I feel awful, I feel stupid, I feel dumb.

I’m so so so close to a mental breakdown.

If it wasn’t for flying and having the job to keep me distracted, I think I’ll really collapse.

I don’t know how could I even made the same mistake I made 8 years ago.

How could I?

How could you Yun?

I don’t know man I really don’t know.

I felt there wasn’t anyone in this world truly cared for me since Ah Ma left.

I hate this loneliness.

I felt unwanted.

All the friends that I had, they were never really true for me. They could lend a listening ear and some words of advice and concern and nothing more than that.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of being the one who is the one initiating and trying to keep something that is simply just falling apart.

Everything takes two hands to clap, friendship or relationship, it’s the same. And why am I always the one to be the main pillar of support.

All I wanted was someone to be my pillar of support. I let my guard down, and I was really foolish.

My head hurts honestly.

I probably have no idea what I am talking here and all this probably might not make even any sense but I am still going to post this, nonetheless.

Life is like that, as cruel as it is.

Like a joke.

Sigh.

I don’t know how I would end up like that.

I really don’t know.

But, on a side note, I’m facing my mistake bravely instead of running away from it like how I did 8 years ago, call it redemption but I don’t know how brave I can be lol.

I’m turning 27 this month…

I’ll be turning 27 on the 18th this month, oh… how time truly flies.

The thing that I’m truly glad I made the right decision for myself at 26 was probably to let go of the relationship that I thought was worth fighting for. I’m in a much better state, healthier mental state, no gastric relapse. I’m happy too because I can finally get back to drinking life, because that’s probably another of my social activity besides pole-dancing.

Yes, everything have been back on path, going to gym more frequently, better eating habits, careful food intake choices, succumbing to food cravings, doing things I like, I would say life seems better now, all except for my career, it’s recovering well, but all at the expense of how Singapore government is handling the COVID situation.

I would say I’m really thankful that the government is great at trying to save rice bowls for the aviation industry for Singaporeans and SPRs, and supporting aviation as much as they could and CAAS allowing us to still fly with the strict measures that have been implemented to protect us while we fly. I’m really great full for the abundance supply of mask, gloves, sanitizers, surgical gowns, etc to protect us while we work. I wouldn’t be more thankful that I could still live my dream on every single flight that I was in, watching every sunrise, every sunset, every beautiful city lights from 40,000ft on a Dreamliner or 35,000ft on an Airbus. I never felt so grateful each time I look outside the plane’s window, thinking that every flight possible seems like a blessing.

It’s been a year and a month since COVID had struck, and while there are countries capable of coping with the outbreak, some are in devastation. With travel bubbles opening, I don’t know what will happen next. It’ll probably take at least several years before everything get back to normal. And I hope by then, travelling will be able to resume like before.

Many asked me, why did you still choose to continue flying? Severe paycuts, much lesser flights, close to none layovers, total drop in overall income, why did you choose to stay?

I never had the thought of leaving the aviation industry, for the perks of flying still remain very attractive and enticing to me and I believe that my airline will be able to fully resume China routes soon. The reason why I stayed mainly because I like working with different groups of people, not having the same colleagues was a perk, but the MAIN reason was that this airline had the most number of China routes compared to others. Well, by now you should have know me, I’m crazy about and over China. Although, the main the reason that I choose to fly was to visit Paris someday during Christmas, but China is a place where I wanted to be there often, as often as I could. China is huge and there’s really so much to learn from there, so many intruding encounters, things, food, culture and so on. I know racism is really strong these days towards Chinese because Western countries, they believe that Chinese were from China and they were the cause for the COVID outbreak.

Well, to a certain extent, yes. But we can’t really fault them for everything. While some states are well-developed, some of the states are under-developed, and people could be just ignorant. But look, who are the ones producing all the masks and PPE? China is! At least they are trying to help savage this situation even with their own vaccine. I don’t think we should be discriminating them. Not everyone in the same nest are bad eggs you see.

Anyway, Singapore started another phase 2 for circuit breaker and closed gyms and fitness studios for the month of may, I pretty upset by this because I actually made plans for private pole choreo classes for my birthday week and even took leave for it! Now, I really have no idea what should I do. Maybe I should get something expensive and nice to reward myself like I do every year for being on this Earth for another year with Ah Ma.

Or maybe I should pray hard to Ah Ma to gift me the man of my life soon. Hahahahaa 😀

Actually, all I wish for is to visit Uncle Ken in Hong Kong, I really miss this fatherly figure Uncle and the last I saw him was a few years already. He probably would have more wrinkles now. Opps.