麼麼,我害怕。

麼麼,你近来还好吗?

我越来越害怕,害怕我那跌伤的手臂不知何时才会完全复原。我很怀念那跳钢管舞的日子,并又拥有个稳定的工作。现在,没了工作,又不能去找新的工作,我真害怕我什么时候,我的积蓄会掏空。我不想又变得口袋一毛也没有,过着吃泡面的日子。那时还有你在,为我煮饭,我还勉强过得去。现在没了你,如果我银行真的没钱了,我真的不知道该如何继续活下去。

麼麼,你能不能让我的手臂快点好起来?我真的很害怕变成个穷女孩。我还没还完我钱那巫婆的钱,更还没存够积蓄给我上大学。我的梦想何时才会实现,一年的时间其实看似很长,但过着过着,时间也就这样飘走了,我不想老来没成就。麼麼,请你帮帮我吧!

 

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I knew she was watching me from heaven…

That night she came to my dreams and left me this vivid message that even when I woke up, I could remember exactly what she said which was usually not the case from the usual dreams where she was accompanying and relieving me of my happy moments with her. I wouldn’t remember a single thing, but not for this time.

I guess she could see that I was suffering so badly, and how much my heart was aching and the painful long waits. It wasn’t worth it. She said “It’s time to give up, you waited for long, and in vain. He isn’t yours to keep, let it go, you’ll be happier. Let go, he isn’t worth your time. Let go, he’s someone else…”, in hokkien. I woke up, remembering all this clearly, exactly.

I know during this long period of 6months wait, I’ve changed so much. From the girl who wasn’t serious about life, to being serious, planning for my future and living my dreams, passion and interest. Meanwhile, my heart suffered from all the waiting and misses, because I held on tightly to that tiny tinge of hope thinking that he might be someone whom really keep his promise. I guess I’m too foolish and promises aren’t meant to be kept, because it truly hurts this time. It’ll probably be my last time to trust someone so deeply, I’ve learnt my lesson. I guard my heart with all the ability that I have from tomorrow onwards.

Thanks, grandma. Thank you so much for watching over me in heaven, and taking care of my heart and affairs. I’ll listen to you. I’ll let go, because you’re right.

August’s Letter to Grandma

Dear Grandma,

How time flies. It’s the month of August again. I could still remember 2 years ago when you were admitted into Tan Tock Seng and had your stomach operation to remove that cancerous lump. During your recovery period in August, right on the day of National Day, while everyone was spending their National Day in town watching fireworks or family dinner, I went down to your ward and camp there watching National Day Parade with you in your private ward because you had to be isolated from the other patients as your immune system was extremely weak and was easily prone to any sickness or virus. (That was the time where no one was willing to visit you or for long because they were scared that they might fall sick…but it just didn’t matter to me.) I guess that was probably the last National Day Parade I watched on the tv with you.

I could still remember how much you constantly tell me to go home and spend National Day with my friends and not camp in the hospital, in the ward, sitting on the sofa with you. I refused to listen to you, because I was truly happy spending time with you and never did I expect it was really a right decision to do so. No one could have been as important as you, no one. Not even my birth mother. You are the only person that weighs a ton in my heart and I could give up the whole world, my friends, my everything for you. You are my top priority in life, and that’s why it was rightful that I disobeyed and spend time with you in the ward despite everyone telling me not to spend time in that ward for too long. I didn’t care, but neither did I fall sick after that, those people were just too cowardly and fearful. I really miss spending time with you, it’s probably the second national day that I’m going to spend alone without your presence. (I could still remember during my first national day which was around 3 months after you left, I was grieving and missing you so badly that I didn’t even realize it was the nation’s birthday. My mind and heart was only focused on my loss and your absence. It was really bad and thankfully, I don’t grieve as much as I used to, and am trying hard to get life back on track. That doesn’t mean your importance in my heart is fading away, I’ll still love you and think of you, all the time and every time.)

Happy National Day.

And I miss spending this golden jubilee with you.

Love, Yun.

July’s Letter to Grandma.

Grandma,

It has been a really long while. Where have you been?

You haven’t been appearing in my dreams lately. I miss you so badly. You know I have been trying so hard to get out of everything and stop living in my own world. Everyone in bikini bar are so nice and caring, constantly helping and cheering me up while teaching me lots of life lesson that I have been missing out on. Sometimes, despite all that care I get, I still find part of something in my life is missing. And that’s you.

I’ve done so much, growing up, learning to be independent. Being able to support myself, learning to make more dishes, learning simple bar-tendering, learning to install a door knob, doing my own groceries and basically whatever a man’s job in the house, I have learn to do it all. I have even continued on with pole dancing which has been my dream hobby even though dance classes are pretty pricey and with a total newbie like me with no strength and flexibility, I’m at such a losing end. Still, I’m trying my best to catch up.

I really wish you are here to witness to everything. And praise me for all my accomplishment. And to give me the courage and strength to do more. And to motivate me to fulfill my dreams.

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I have been trying hard to hide all those misses that I have for you. I know I still can’t forget and get over the fact that your breathing stopped, your pulse stop beating and your soul left this world and all I can do is to keep myself really really busy and occupied so that I could not think about anything else.

imageYou know, despite all the friends that I have. I still can’t feel love although people always say that your best friends can be part of your family but then again, I can’t feel that care, love and concern that they are showering me with. I feel guilty, yet I didn’t mouth a word about it, but to pretend to be happy.

I feel so numbed and tired constantly. I have been drowning myself with beers, ciders, or liquors nearly every night to get me high to keep my happy vibes and forget about everything else. I don’t know any other ways to hide my feelings for you, grandma.

Love, Yun ❤

Dear Mama, I’ve turned 21 today.

I’ve finally turn 21, the legal age where I am no longer under their control. Have you seen it?

I’ve endure so much more, so much that I’m about to go insane and yet I’m keeping mum just to have a place to say.

I feel so miserable without your presence and even though I had a small birthday celebration with a group of close friends, which was suppose to make me happy, I felt like I was forced and obligated to try to smile in every of the photos taken with everyone. The worst was during the part where they were singing birthday song for me. I was trying so hard to not to let out a single tear. I felt alone even when everyone was right in front singing song for me. I couldn’t feel any love without you. (I’m sorry everyone who turned up, grandma’s presence was way important than anything else.)

I wish you were here to witness everything. Another milestone in my life, turning 21.

And you wishing me Happy Birthday is what I want to hear from you the most.

“Ah Yun ah, you’re 21 already, must always stay well and be a good girl..” (that’s probably what she’ll tell me in hokkien…)

 

I remember

I could always remember putting both my palms on your old frailly face, touching that thin wrinkly skin of yours that lost its firmness and tightness. It was just dangling lose with wrinkles. Plenty of them. Seeing those sunken eye balls of yours showed how much age have caught up with you and your eyelids grew heavier day by day. And how much I love playing with your newly permed hair that was so short where it was just so tidy even I was attempting to make a mess out of it. Yet, you never got angry at all, attempting to comb it each time I mess it up.

I always love how much I’ll tried to disturb you by placing my head on your loose flabby tummy, how soft and comfortable it was like better than a water pillow, for this “pillow” was warm. Occasionally, the naughty side of me would tend to lift your top up and then attempt to tickle your tummy with my long hair. It got so ticklish that you always started laughing and telling me to stop it. Each time, we’ll always have a good laugh to end the late afternoon before you got up to prepare and make my dinner.

Sadly, I don’t remember when was the last time I had that much fun with you and never would I experience it again.

I love you, mama x

阿妈,你带我走。好吗?

阿妈,

我知道你能听见我的求救信的。

我真的好累了。自从你的离别,我的世界变得好黑暗,再也没有真正的开心过了。几乎每天,我都在落泪。

他们,对我真的很恶毒,天天把我当出气包,我真的很辛苦。

他们,也很假。每次在婶婶和叔叔他们的面前,就假装对我很好。

去庙里祭拜你的坟墓的时候,也是装出来的好。

回到家更是露出了真面目!

没了你的日子,一天不如一天,的差。

我真的无法再继续这样了!

阿妈,如果你在临走前说的话还算数,那就请带我走吧。我不想在继续反抗到底了,没了你的日子毫无意义,没了家庭的温暖,每人和我说话,我好寂寞。我很想永远陪伴你,可以吗?

我求你了,阿妈,待我走吧!

x 你的走头无路的孙女 x