It has been a really long while. Where have you been?
You haven’t been appearing in my dreams lately. I miss you so badly. You know I have been trying so hard to get out of everything and stop living in my own world. Everyone in bikini bar are so nice and caring, constantly helping and cheering me up while teaching me lots of life lesson that I have been missing out on. Sometimes, despite all that care I get, I still find part of something in my life is missing. And that’s you.
I’ve done so much, growing up, learning to be independent. Being able to support myself, learning to make more dishes, learning simple bar-tendering, learning to install a door knob, doing my own groceries and basically whatever a man’s job in the house, I have learn to do it all. I have even continued on with pole dancing which has been my dream hobby even though dance classes are pretty pricey and with a total newbie like me with no strength and flexibility, I’m at such a losing end. Still, I’m trying my best to catch up.
I really wish you are here to witness to everything. And praise me for all my accomplishment. And to give me the courage and strength to do more. And to motivate me to fulfill my dreams.
I have been trying hard to hide all those misses that I have for you. I know I still can’t forget and get over the fact that your breathing stopped, your pulse stop beating and your soul left this world and all I can do is to keep myself really really busy and occupied so that I could not think about anything else.
You know, despite all the friends that I have. I still can’t feel love although people always say that your best friends can be part of your family but then again, I can’t feel that care, love and concern that they are showering me with. I feel guilty, yet I didn’t mouth a word about it, but to pretend to be happy.
I feel so numbed and tired constantly. I have been drowning myself with beers, ciders, or liquors nearly every night to get me high to keep my happy vibes and forget about everything else. I don’t know any other ways to hide my feelings for you, grandma.
Love, Yun ❤