Do looks really matter?

Maybe it does, in this era.

In dating apps, looks is what determine if the guy/girl swipe right to you and even be talking to you. If you are not of certain looks then he/she prefers, you probably won’t stand a chance.

Then again, people always says you gonna look beyond, beyond what the surface, how many of you actually do that?

Man look at girls for their pretty face, nice booty, nice curves, perfect boobs or maybe someone skinny.

Girl look at guys for their muscular build, good-looking face or maybe a Korean oppa wannabe.

Which of you is not guilty of this?

I have been thinking, when I was young I wrote a list of the kind of guy I will like…

  1. Does not smoke
  2. Love cats
  3. Goes to gym and is able to princess carry /piggyback me effortlessly
  4. At least 170cm
  5. Loves drinking

And list was super extensive, but I don’t remember the rest anymore…

The point is, now that I’m in my late 20s, there’s really so much you can want out of the other half , to meet your expectations or the “dream man”, but in reality there’s so much more than that actually.

I just had been thinking what kind of fairytale do I want actually?

Probably one that’s like Beauty and the Beast, would be good.

The beast isn’t the most handsome man like Prince Charming but deep down he had a heart of gold, caring and an excellent personality who took care of her, made her feel happy, feel loved and eventually over a long period of time spent together, slowly falling for him deeper and growing more attached to him for his inner beauty.

Personality and character matters a lot here because someone with an awful personality will affect me 24/7 and I do not wish to have another gastric episode ever ever ever again because of a man (after taking so much courage to walk out of it and getting over it).

I need to love myself more this time, take better control of what I want and let time does it job and never ever let myself feel stressed again. It is really important to develop a good and healthy relationship should I start one again, having quality communication is really important, and developing new memories and experiences.

Never let anyone rush me things that I am not ready for , I will and shall find back my old fashioned romance that I have been looking forward for, falling in love with a best friend who shares aplenty of similarities, a playmate who will be able to tolerate the kid in me and play along as well, a hopeless romantic who will create equal amount of romantic acts for me in return of what I give him, and no more one-sided givings.And of course someone able to work hard together in life, to achieve a better quality living after all, 爱情是不能当面包吃的,我们还是得必须努力挣钱才能拥有更好的生活。



Why am I such a fool?

I feel horrible, I feel awful, I feel stupid, I feel dumb.

I’m so so so close to a mental breakdown.

If it wasn’t for flying and having the job to keep me distracted, I think I’ll really collapse.

I don’t know how could I even made the same mistake I made 8 years ago.

How could I?

How could you Yun?

I don’t know man I really don’t know.

I felt there wasn’t anyone in this world truly cared for me since Ah Ma left.

I hate this loneliness.

I felt unwanted.

All the friends that I had, they were never really true for me. They could lend a listening ear and some words of advice and concern and nothing more than that.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of being the one who is the one initiating and trying to keep something that is simply just falling apart.

Everything takes two hands to clap, friendship or relationship, it’s the same. And why am I always the one to be the main pillar of support.

All I wanted was someone to be my pillar of support. I let my guard down, and I was really foolish.

My head hurts honestly.

I probably have no idea what I am talking here and all this probably might not make even any sense but I am still going to post this, nonetheless.

Life is like that, as cruel as it is.

Like a joke.


I don’t know how I would end up like that.

I really don’t know.

But, on a side note, I’m facing my mistake bravely instead of running away from it like how I did 8 years ago, call it redemption but I don’t know how brave I can be lol.

I’m turning 27 this month…

I’ll be turning 27 on the 18th this month, oh… how time truly flies.

The thing that I’m truly glad I made the right decision for myself at 26 was probably to let go of the relationship that I thought was worth fighting for. I’m in a much better state, healthier mental state, no gastric relapse. I’m happy too because I can finally get back to drinking life, because that’s probably another of my social activity besides pole-dancing.

Yes, everything have been back on path, going to gym more frequently, better eating habits, careful food intake choices, succumbing to food cravings, doing things I like, I would say life seems better now, all except for my career, it’s recovering well, but all at the expense of how Singapore government is handling the COVID situation.

I would say I’m really thankful that the government is great at trying to save rice bowls for the aviation industry for Singaporeans and SPRs, and supporting aviation as much as they could and CAAS allowing us to still fly with the strict measures that have been implemented to protect us while we fly. I’m really great full for the abundance supply of mask, gloves, sanitizers, surgical gowns, etc to protect us while we work. I wouldn’t be more thankful that I could still live my dream on every single flight that I was in, watching every sunrise, every sunset, every beautiful city lights from 40,000ft on a Dreamliner or 35,000ft on an Airbus. I never felt so grateful each time I look outside the plane’s window, thinking that every flight possible seems like a blessing.

It’s been a year and a month since COVID had struck, and while there are countries capable of coping with the outbreak, some are in devastation. With travel bubbles opening, I don’t know what will happen next. It’ll probably take at least several years before everything get back to normal. And I hope by then, travelling will be able to resume like before.

Many asked me, why did you still choose to continue flying? Severe paycuts, much lesser flights, close to none layovers, total drop in overall income, why did you choose to stay?

I never had the thought of leaving the aviation industry, for the perks of flying still remain very attractive and enticing to me and I believe that my airline will be able to fully resume China routes soon. The reason why I stayed mainly because I like working with different groups of people, not having the same colleagues was a perk, but the MAIN reason was that this airline had the most number of China routes compared to others. Well, by now you should have know me, I’m crazy about and over China. Although, the main the reason that I choose to fly was to visit Paris someday during Christmas, but China is a place where I wanted to be there often, as often as I could. China is huge and there’s really so much to learn from there, so many intruding encounters, things, food, culture and so on. I know racism is really strong these days towards Chinese because Western countries, they believe that Chinese were from China and they were the cause for the COVID outbreak.

Well, to a certain extent, yes. But we can’t really fault them for everything. While some states are well-developed, some of the states are under-developed, and people could be just ignorant. But look, who are the ones producing all the masks and PPE? China is! At least they are trying to help savage this situation even with their own vaccine. I don’t think we should be discriminating them. Not everyone in the same nest are bad eggs you see.

Anyway, Singapore started another phase 2 for circuit breaker and closed gyms and fitness studios for the month of may, I pretty upset by this because I actually made plans for private pole choreo classes for my birthday week and even took leave for it! Now, I really have no idea what should I do. Maybe I should get something expensive and nice to reward myself like I do every year for being on this Earth for another year with Ah Ma.

Or maybe I should pray hard to Ah Ma to gift me the man of my life soon. Hahahahaa 😀

Actually, all I wish for is to visit Uncle Ken in Hong Kong, I really miss this fatherly figure Uncle and the last I saw him was a few years already. He probably would have more wrinkles now. Opps.

Late Night Thoughts

I never thought my first relationship would have ended this way. NEVER.

I used to think that if I date long enough with someone, I would have be able to know him well to be able to commit to a relationship with him and probably be there for him till old, I was such a fool to be even thinking this way.

I was someone who used to date but never dared to commit to relationship, being choosy, refusing to date any of my colleagues, classmates or even customers. I drew a clear line between school and work and personal life. Come to think of it, it probably would have been a mistake.

Then, after all that many dates, I ultimately chose to commit to one who shared very similar family background and experiences and a leap of faith, the same age. Why particular same of age? I ever did dated one with the same of age and then told myself never to date one that’s same of age even if he was a few months older. Maturity.

They say guys mature later, and it’s true. Even though at that point in time, I chose to believe that with life experiences some might mature earlier. Hah.

The start of the relationship wasn’t an easy one, aplenty of misunderstandings, aplenty of quarrels, although there was also aplenty of happy and romantic moments, and before coming to its peak. It was short-lived, I was wrong to have given him a guilt-free pass. I was utterly wrong. How could I ever been so stupid to done so? I didn’t know.

That guilt-free pass decision that I made brought me a series of events, probably to why I had decided to give up on the relationship on my side too. I was someone who I can trust you a 100%, never question who you are out with, you could probably said “dinner with friends”, I would believe you without doubt. And that one fine day when you realise something was going amiss, your sixth sense tell you so. Like there isn’t any warning, you’ll feel it something is amiss, he was talking to this girl sexually for months, met her and drank together alone. BAM~instantly the entire trust was gone.

It’s like taking a glass and shattering it into pieces and being the curious me, I still wanted to know the details of the truth despite knowing that it’ll hurt a million pieces. Like your heart already had been stabbed, and the details were just knife twisting and turning in your heart. Beyond repair.

I was in Sydney, having my layover, chose to spend my time in the hotel, to plan for his birthday surprise, because no one ever really celebrate for him, like me, and I just didn’t want him to experience the same loneliness that I felt every year of being unimportant. From booking the hotel, planning my itinerary of what to do, where to get the cake, where to get decoration, time to check in, time to decorate, time to meet him, everything had to be flawless so that he does not know what was going on. It was really really difficult, with all the rushing here and there, I was literally a sweating mess. And all this while, he met someone at her house, drank and did naughty stuff and then they still continue sexting, behind my back.

It’s ok. I choose to forgive , after all it was my fault right, I shouldn’t have given a guilt-free pass.

The next year, now this was worst.
I planned another birthday surprise for him while I was in the hospital, on the hospital bed, damn gastritis, it was already giving me a warning signal. I did , all the birthday surprise planning prep as usual, and he was suppose to come at night. Guess what time he game? 2-3am! I waited, hour after hour. Silly and doing nothing of hours of waiting, and guess what he said? He was busy and did not reply. When he reached, he told me this, I was having dinner with my friends because they knew it was my birthday and wanted to celebrate with me. Right. I pre-inform him way beforehand, and as a girlfriend who out-of-love wanted to celebrate birthday with him and yet I was left there waiting for hours with no news? Come on, man. It’s priorities.

Intentionally ignoring someone messages, is really rude. Plus, I did not spam him. And the fact that he lied being busy, was totally disrespectful. But then I chose to suck it up, because back then when he was dating me, I was really mean and didn’t really give him the enough attention that he wanted, it’s my fault. I’m someone who takes really long to warm up to people, like really long, I meant months here, and I take really long to fall for people too. I don’t trust infatuation or love at first sight, it’s the little things that you do accumulated over the months and years that make me fall deeper for someone.

Well, it’s kinda my fault for being such an absolute geek. But it’s me. I accepted it which I shouldn’t have.

Eventually, he initiated a breakup right after his birthday and I being shamelessly, went to his house to beg him to give him One More Chance to work on the relationship. I put down my pride my dignity for all him. I know you probably would condemn me for being disgraceful, but at that point in time, I wasn’t ready to give up I still wanted to work on everything and starting afresh. Even though he took one month before telling me he is willing to give it a shot to work on the relationship and starting afresh, he never actually forgive all the things in the past be it things I done wrong and the hurt that I did when he was woo- ing me.

Over the months, I saw too much of cold shoulder, way too much, intentional avoidances, refusal to hold a convo, being placed in the lowest priority and letting another girl whom he claimed that they were close friends took over my position. To the point I finally realised it was time to let go. He couldn’t forgive the past, he did not believe that I was someone who is willing to be there for him through thick and thin and to build a future together and placing me at the lowest in priority, was the last thing that I ever wanted. I rather be a friend, than to be placed in the lowest priority as a girlfriend, there isn’t really much to holding to a title of being your girlfriend but getting ignore 100% of the time.

We were done, I chose the amiable end to end my first relationship. We remain as friends, it was really much better that we be friends. Similar family background, it was easier to understand all the sufferings and hardships in the house. Perhaps we probably just weren’t meant for each other, 他可能就是我人生的过路客,或一段二十岁人生的一段回忆罢了。If only I had listened to the dreams that Ah Ma had been trying to tell me all along, I probably wouldn’t have been hurt this badly to be admitted several times in hospital due to gastritis that arises from him and yet I couldn’t tell anyone. I really do hope that he’ll turn out to be a better man who set his priorities right for that girl that has been trying to get his attention all this time and I’ll be proud to as a friend.

Au revoir.

Late Night Thoughts

Ever since circuit breaker started way back in April, so much thoughts have been flooding my mind…

‘Flying was no longer the same anymore.

Everyone wears surgical gowns, gloves, and masks to flights and it made everyone look identical. Services are barely there and most of the time, it was just enforcing the distancing and mask rule. Where was the “full of orders”, “running up and down the aisle”, and time passed quickly period?

No more layovers, turnarounds become even longer, with longer hours, and layover stations become turnarounds, no more shopping in overseas, no more eating supper with colleagues, it’s just end work and everyone heads home.

I really wish flying would resume soon, there is so many beautiful places in the world that are still waiting to be uncovered.

Relationships are fragile, and to be handle with care.

While there are many weddings still going on, people around me getting engaged, many broke up because of this circuit breaker period. It was like a test of time for many couples and many around me failed. It was hard and tough to maintain a relationship without being able to meet your love one physically and to be right there beside them and much to say hanging out together.

Relationship just seemed like a piece of glass, if one party doesn’t wants to put in effort anymore, the piece of glass eventually will shatter because the other party won’t be able to support the weight of the glass alone. It’s just a two way thing and this made relationship looks so vulnerable and yet scary.

You just won’t know when is it your turn that your relationship might just shatter, it could happen anytime, maybe the next hour or even the next minute. It’s scary.

Is really having good body and good looks the way to win in life (as a girl) ?

Maybe it’s just Instagram portrayal of how things look and how viewers judge and conclude based on what’s presented. But I always felt that having good body (being skinny) and good looks brings you straight to to winning line in life especially in Asian context.

Most Asian guys prefer skinnier looking girls and viewed them as sexy, hot, pretty.

And then showing too much skin for a curvy girls is considered to be trashy, slutty and cheap while for a skinny girl, it’s the opposite.

How’s this fair?

Bias opinions against curvy girls has been long around for years, and as I got older, I realise how much this affect the relationship and type of guy a curvy girl might ended up with, due to the limited choices left.

How sad isn’t it?

I lost myself

We’ve been together for 662 days as I’m typing this post (I did not count this, it’s an app that helps to keep track of the days).

Lately, I have been abnormally vomitting everyday and couldn’t sleep well in the night because he has given me cold shoulder. I really have no idea what went wrong in our relationship.

I have been thinking and pondering over what he said like what we want to pursue in life is different and that we couldn’t communicate at all and he is the one dragging the wagon of this entire relationship while I’m doing nothing and I was the one who wanted him to do this do that but I did like almost nothing for him.

Like hello? When he is angry and in the state of debating, he is always in the mode to attack and no matter what the defendant tries speak, he will shoot every single thing down by bringing the past up.

It’s not an argument, it’s not debating and winning a debate in a relationship, we need communicate and talk things out, I believe I have the rights to speak my words. I apologise first doesn’t mean I’m in the wrong sometimes, I putting myself soft, so we can end the argument, argument is unhealthy and I know your temper is out-of-hand. I just didn’t want things to be worst. That’s all.

Maybe I was wrong, maybe I should have spoke up, maybe I shouldn’t be the first to apologise thinking that he will be able to stop the argument and peacely talk things out.

Yes I did made a mistake, I misread it your lonely as you’re bored. It was my fault. But throwing a huge temper at me was really mean.

I tried my best to reply you timely because last last month in January I was having bad menses cramps and I did told you I had bad cramps, it took me really long to fight the cramps and I dozed off, my phone was in silent mode because I did not want notifications on phone to disturb my rest. You called and called and I was fast asleep, by the time I woke up and called you, you blasted at me for not answering your phone. You couldn’t even listen to my explanation at all. I had to agree that I was answer and text you as fast I could.

and so I did subsequently.

It was just this one mistake I made that probably hurt you and made you felt that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I was in Amritsar , about to report for flight. What could I do…

When you told me you are stressed from work, I always encourage you and told you to calm down first, because you always rage, things will get better, but you said my reply was a fixed template. I do not know your work, I can’t give specific advise, what could I do beside encouraging you? I can’t possibly tell you to quit and get a new job. Winners aren’t quitter you see.

You said you are the one trying to earn more money for us. You said I did not had the goal to pursue ranking in my career. Flying was my career. Flying has been my dream. Being a leader wasn’t my dream at all, I just wanted to meet more people, know more about the different cultures and uniqueness of every cities that has to offer. That was and have been my dream. Yes, being a leader means a huge leap in income, sort of, but I lead life all along to do things that made me happy. Probably in the near future I might become someone who lead, but I am not ready to stick with working with the same position in the aircraft now.

Then you bring up the past that I requested you to do things like meet once a week, but that was because we weren’t in a relationship yet and our relationship was not very close and intimate to a point to be meeting several times a week plus we always had a full day to spend with each other a week. That was more than enough. But now, you work long hours and I work shifts, we don’t have the luxury to have a full day to spend per week and the only thing that could keep our relationship going, was that I made the sacrifice to meet you at your work after you end so that we can catch up with each other , considering that we don’t spend time on calls or video calls, texting can’t show emotions. I probably analysing the situation now, but he probably would think that I’m blaming him which I obviously am not, I have been trying to make things work on my side because his long work hours can’t be changed and of course he shouldn’t change or reject his clients just to meet me, and since I work shifts, I had more off days and rest day than him then why not? I take my time to meet him instead from the time he end work , head home and have dinner. At least he doesn’t feel that alone, consider that I do spend quite some days overseas at times.

I really tried, I tried so hard to pray for good rosters every month, trying so hard to ask 2500plus crews to swap flights with me every single month so I can have saturdays night off to be able to spend time with you, although sometimes I failed, like when I have a too attractively high paying layover, that I would lose several hundreds of bucks if I give away.

I tried to change so much of myself for you but I did not mentioned to claim credit. I just want things to work between us, that’s all. But the things that we did when we were dating vs the things that we did in a relationship should been different somehow. Sometimes I don’t ask for us to be dumping in cash to have a good time out, but rather I just want to spend some quality time with you , talking and communicating which we obviously lack.

And have you ever even wondered, I did changed? Whatever you said , I tried to change, and listen although it wasn’t an immediate effect but I did.

I gave up my old-fashioned mindset despite all your persistent trying of luck (something that I had held strongly onto), I gave up my disbelief in trust ( taking a leap of faith to start things again). I know I’m a fool, I gave up things that matter to me most, my beliefs that I held strongly to , for the sake of you, and for that one thing that I wanted the relationship to work and last between us.

I’m really at a lost, I feel like I lost myself. I tried so hard to make things work between us because I really loved you, and that night, and all the cold treatment (because you said I did this to you last time why can’t you do this to me). It’s like an evil cycle, all this returning the bad things that you’ve done to the other party , it’s never ending. It’s only will lead to a tragic outcome, I don’t want it to happen. I really don’t.

i do love you, I really really do.

HIM: Introducing- How we met?

If you have been with me for a very time, you’ve probably read all the articles that I wrote about my feelings and love, expectations of a boyfriend, etc etc…

BUT, I have never mention one before. Reason being, despite all the dates that I have been out with the various guys, from clubs, from Tinder & Okcupid, none of them are great, maybe one or two was kinda boyfriend material, but most wanted to get laid, to get me into their bed. I never met someone from school before, a guy that chase me, because I was this ugly girl and anti-social.

I could say even my part time job back then, I always mingled well with the aunties than people of my age, because I had difficulty finding common topic. And of course, my special family background, no one could understand it. Most people think, I was lying.

Obviously, I wasn’t if you have known me.

Maybe, it’s time to introduce him.

Around November 2018, I kinda completed my first year of flying and job, was more stable as I knew what to do basically and tasks in hand, maybe just not perfect with handling situations yet. I got kinda bored with flying life, and I realise that I haven’t been dating and there was no luck in my love life. The guys in my workplace, majority are gays, they are so cute to talk to, but they like guys, and the rest, mostly are attached, and some I didn’t really like because I don’t like guys that weighs around my weight. Then, I have been back on Tinder for quite awhile on and off because Tinder’s guys profiling was getting worst, and there were more guys looking for ONS and FWB than serious relationship.

On 13 Dec 2018, one fine boring afternoon that I was having my off day, laying on bed as usual, I was swiping on Tinder randomly, aimlessly, swiped through a couple bunch of guys, until this guy that I had quite an impression because of his photos. The first photo he had was a selfie in the lift and lifting his T-shirt up to capture his abs and I found it dodgy, but his thick black framed specs kinda caught my attention, I swiped to see his second photo, it was a gym photo, and he look well, ermmm fierce. Usually gym guys photos look like either muscular cool or muscular cute but for his guy he is fierce. It’s ok, I went on with his third photo, he had a friendly nice smile. Well, I always had a thing for  guys who gym and the bigger the muscles, the better. For they would better understand that girls who pole is definitely not a stripper or someone who does lap dancing. So I swiped right to him, despite him not looking handsome in his photos, maybe for that smile, black specs, and muscles I swiped right to him.


(this was one of his profile pictures)

Awww, I know you’ll be thinking, what a judge mental bitch, isn’t it? But hey what else can you see from a Tinder profile’s beside photos and maybe a sentence of introduction?

And unexpectedly, WE MATCHED!

(At that time, I gotta admit as a girl, I get matches too easily, so I don’t really have that excitement as compared to a guy I guess. It was like hey, he matched me, ok. Let’s see if he’ll start a convo, else it will be another number adding to my numerous amount of match. HAH)

Ok, before I continue on with this post, I will be writing everything based on my account and from my perspective. So, please don’t judge. I totally appreciate that.

Let’s continue…

Maybe hours lately, I can’t remember too clearly, he started to talk to me, on Tinder for quite awhile, he asked me my favourite food which was cheese fries from kfc at that time and he love it as well haha! Also, finding out that he was actually ok and understanding towards pole dancing was very important to me. Then he had a liking towards cats and at that time my silly fella MiMi was still around (it was important he was accepting towards stray cats because I hated guys who tell me eww why do you touch stray cats they are so dirty and gross) and I thought, wow this guy seems nice! He likes to gym, looks kinda decent and respectful, likes cats, older than me (by that tiny bit but still…important), shares quite a fair bit of common food interest, like sashimi and cheese fries, and acceptance towards pole dancing, doesn’t smoke (a serious deal breaker), not below 170cm (I had this weird thinking that if I wear heels, he must not be shorter than me).

At that point in time, I was bringing my giant bag of clothes to the laundry shop , those self coin operated kind to get my clothes washed. My parents were nuts that the house is not allowed to buy a washing machine and that crazy birth mum of mine didn’t allowed my to hang my laundry out to dry because she said it’s dirty and superstitious stuff, she always threw my freshly laundered clothes that were wet right at my room door. Rude af. That how I ended up having to bring my clothes to laundry shop to wash and then do the drying there as well, and to save money, I actually accumulate my clothes to one week or two weeks worth so that the washing machine is filled to the brim. So while waiting for laundry to be washed, I texted him on Tinder.

I can’t remembered when, he asked me for my number, but it was definitely before my very first Harbin flight that I managed to swapped into. The day before my Harbin flight, we took a step from Tinder chat to WhatsApp.

After reaching Harbin, I was so excited because for the first time ever, I got my own room! I did not had to share with the crew because the crew leader bought her own room, and I was thrilled. I took lots of photos and videos on instastory and I had to connect to VPN to reply to this guy as well because I told him that I would reply him when I reached. Stupid VPN, took me awhile to get connected because China had a limitation ban on IG, FB, WA, basically non-China apps. Thankfully the hotel wifi was strong, and connecting VPN was easy. Eventually I realise that it just so happened that I got a room with good wifi connectivity. So I send him a WhatsApp text and the view of Harbin in my room, probably the first person that I share the joy and excitement with, because Harbin was one of the destinations that I wanted to go before I started flying and the airline finally launched the route to Harbin!

Anyway, when I came back from Harbin, this guy asked me to meet him for a kfc meal and would treat me to cheese fries, and I turned him down. Reason being, I barely talked to him for a week and he wanted to asked me out already? I felt it was too fast because of my past Tinder dates and experiences, guys who usually rushes to the girl tends to had ill intentions. Usually if I turned the guy down, they would move on and look for another target.

But! This guy still kept the conversations on with me, although he was slightly ‘colder’ in chats and few days passed, he asked me out again on a Christmas date. This time, I agreed because I felt that it was going to be 2 weeks of chatting and getting to know the person online, maybe it’s time to get to know him in real life.

I know it was still kinda a little fast for me as I only meet them after chatting for 1-3 months later. Since it was Christmas and no guys I have ever dated did asked me out on a Christmas date, so why not right? Plus he said he was going to make plans, so I though it was be an auspicious date to go out on a date with. (I had this special thing with me about Christmas and Chinese New Year because Christmas to me was the time to celebrate with your loved ones and the joy of gifting and celebration for working hard the entire year).

It will be memorable.

And let’s keep the part on our first date in another post because this is getting too lengthy.


to be continued…

Bad news and good news, which would you like to hear?

Ok, maybe i’ll give you the bad news first so you’ll probably understand things better, or probably it will flow better in an chronological order.

and… pardon my English, I haven’t been willing to speak english at work lately, because i’m kinda into Chinese lately.

Feb 2019: I was admitted to hospital twice right after CNY because I kept vomiting non-stop after eating and even just plainly drinking water (ok i gotta admit maybe I induce some of it because the nausea feeling in me was so intense and I felt cold, pain, and awful) , the doctor send me for CT scan but they couldn’t find anything wrong with my stomach beside that it was inflamed and red. They said it was gastroenteritis but it was weird that mine didn’t recover like normal patients did and the vomiting keeps coming back when I was discharged home.  Then they probably felt it had something to do with psychological issues, they called an counseller to attend to me, and yeah, she felt that it was probably boyfriend issues and mostly, family issues.


( I was on drip always Everyday and I hated the iv plug, it was major discomfort and pain)

I had a hard time with family as usual, and with CNY, a festive period, they usually be even more nuts than usual, and I was so stress, praying that my roster had more layovers, but I had more turnaround flights which meant I had to spend time at home. I was on the verge of breaking, she would scold me right before I go to work for the most ridiculous reasons, and sometimes waking up at wee hours just to catch me before I go to work and vent her anger on me when I didn’t even talked to her at all or did anything that relates to her. I cried almost every time on the Grabhitch ride to airport. And layovers were the best time of my life. I felt peace.


(He came after his work to surprised me with this!)

Anyway, my vomiting stopped after a lot of medicine and somehow things got slightly better because of March roster and i went on a solo trip to Korea, I felt happier.

Jun 2019: I nearly broke up with him because he lied. ( which he said he didn’t because he just simply chose not tell me ) I felt like crap because I love him for his honesty and that he was a very loyal person and wouldn’t flirt with any other girls but he did. My heart was shattered. I had no idea what to do. I love and trusted him wholeheartedly thinking that he will be my last and my only, but now… I shan’t explain the details because I chose to forgive him despite all 100% odds that if I do tell you what happened everyone else will tell me not leave. Ever since then I kinda feel insecure once awhile and I had to go back to pole-dancing to curb this insecurity because once scarred, there will be a scar. I took a leap in faith against everyone’s advice, and chose to give him this chance,  I hope I won’t regret when I come back to this post in maybe 5 ? Or 10 years time.

Aug 2019: The vomiting came back again, it was serious than ever, I had to admit myself to the hospital. This time the doctor was perplexed because the frequency of my gastroenteritis relapse was too frequent, so they send me for a scope where they put this tiny camera through my mouth, down the throat to the stomach to see what’s going wrong with it. And again, they found nothing abnormal beside the redness which was due to it inflamed. This time, they sent a psychologist along with a counsellor to my hospital bedside to ‘talk’ to me. As usual they realise it’s family issues, and the only way was that I leave this place of hell that I once called home because my vomiting issue was getting serious and they doubt that it will completely cure. Psychologically, my body has already chose to vomit because once I am overly stressed out, my stomach will overproduce gastric juices which are the yellow or green fluids that I always puke. They gave me the encouragement to move out, because counselling me would not helped me at all, despite them wanting to help me.


(I know I look pale and frail here, needing oxygen to breathe.)

Sep 2019: HOOHOO!  I found a place! I moved out officially, although I still go back to that hell place once awhile to collect my letters and the little things I need that weren’t so important to bring over to the room that I rented because I had too many things. Moving out alone was a huge difficult chore because he was not free and I had to move alone, I made so many trips to and fro, so many carsickness moments, aching arms. Sometimes, I really feel proud of myself that I can carry so many heavy bags without a man’s help, although I probably look like a clown and hideous cause I’m sweaty by the end of it. Mhmm, I’m officially out of that hell place, although there’s loads of memories of there with grandma, whom I really miss dearly.

Honestly, after moving out,  I kinda realised I’m all alone. Like I don’t have friends that really care. Those so-called bffs are just fake. And the worst thing of moving out, I can’t feed any stray cats anymore. My stray furry friends are my go-to when I’m down and bored, I always spend hours with them, they are just so entertaining and therapeutic. The landlord doesn’t approve of any pets, and the neighbourhood has no stray cats because it’s a pretty new neighbourhood, sadly. And cooking is now much difficult because the owner only approves of light cooking, so basically I do microwave cooking haha and rely on food delivery on lazy days or when I’m sick.

And my gastric vomiting still occurs… usually in the morning when I wake up, all the yellow gastric juices will be out and by the later of the day after I had some food and juices, it gets better.

I shall keep my updates of my life, till here.

‘I know I haven’t been updating of my travel trips that I made this year.  I shall do so soon since my ankle is sprained from work injury and I’m down from flying temporarily, urgh, there goes my  favourite Osaka and guangzhou layover. *sobs*


Maybe you can call me paranoid,

Maybe you can say I’m doubtful,

But I have this little insecurity that is burning in me.


I have been in a relationship for quite awhile now, 1 year and 2 months roughly as I am typing this. We had many ups and downs in our relationship so far and although we have had similar background, our work is keeping us apart most of the time. I fly most of the time and although I tried very hard to have more off days in Singapore than being overseas (more than 8 off days a month as of now), his long working hours and schedule and working 6.5days a week is keeping us apart. Limiting us to only roughly one quick dinner date per week or if time permits, just a short meetup. We only spend our time texting each other to keep ourselves in touch of our lives and this conversing in text usually happens at night when he is finally done with his day. Since then, I started developing this odd habit of keeping my phone by my side all the time so that I can reply him quickly when his text comes over.

I know I have to understand that this is his job and he has to work in order to pay off his Uni study loans and earn income to survive and feed himself and saving to buy a house for our future. However since June, we have been meeting lesser and lesser, the time we spend together is so much lesser and most of the time we only talk about things related to work and saving up. Maybe occasionally, about other things…

As weeks passed, this little insecurity in me keep growing, I’m really scared that one day, over time our relationship, our feelings would fade away, like how my bestie ended her relationship with her Boyfriend that lasted for 4 years plus, because they wanted the save up to buy a house in the 3rd year after they succeeded in getting a bto. They scrimp and save and cut down on dates and only had dinner together and chit chat and went home thereafter. I don’t want to be in their path, and it’s scary that things between me and him seem to be going the same way like how my bestie relationship headed to.

I really don’t know what I should do, I don’t think it’s possible to talk this out with him because he just started working and he has his own work problems to fret about…  and he might misunderstand me and leading to another quarrel which it always happens.

There are so many times I don’t know what I should do or to save myself from thinking astray, I drink, I gym, I pole, I give away my off days to fly more, I go travel, I try so hard to keep myself occupied to not think about what might happen to us if in the long run, this is how we going to keep our relationship and maintaining it.

And all I do is keep telling myself that “whatever will be, will be.” There is no way I could tell what time would brings, if things fade, it’s fated. That is fate, eventually.

I’ve always been a pessimist in life, in everything I do.

And I can’t deny this time I am not.


March is here, how fast. I spend nearly a month in Feb in the hospital because of my gastric issues and now I’m back to flying life. After a month of break from flying life, I am definitely not getting used to layovers anymore. I’m kinda dreading layovers, only looking forward to going home to my own bed and sleep. Not only that, I don’t go out for sightseeing or fun with crew during layovers anymore, I would only leave the hotel when it’s time for food or maybe getting some groceries or daily necessities to bring home.

Worst till, I’m not getting used to sharing room with crew anymore, I can’t sleep well and feel, pretty uncomfortable having someone in the same room as me. All I look forward is to do the turnaround flights on the small aircraft that most crew dislike to work on. I know I’m weird but I am kinda reaching the flying phase where you get sick of having layovers.

I still do love my flying job, meeting and serving all the passengers, some being weird, some being nasty, handling them and of course, there are those nice ones that help keep my time pass faster and meeting the little kiddos that makes me smile.

Sometimes, I wish the airline would do Hong Kong layovers, then I probably give up all my layovers for Hong Kong layovers because I haven’t seen my Hong Kong uncle for a really long time, although I have annual leave, I always spend my annual leave elsewhere like visiting Gold Coast where I finally strike off my bucket list of going to Movie World that had so many thrilling roller coasters that made me screamed, but it was fun though!

Oh and I kinda like Gold Coast or maybe Honolulu as beach destination compared to Asia beach destination like Phuket or Bali even though they are way much cheaper as a beach holiday destination. You know why?

I love how Australians and US people are so open about their body sizes and they embrace their body type even though they may be typed as “fat” or “obsesed” in Asian’s eyes, they call themselves curvy and in the Asian society, curvy people would always donned themselves with lots of fabric to hide their curves and their chubby arms or body but in Australia or US, they dress to flaunt their curves and that’s what I love. There is almost no body size issues regarding to dressing up and I just feel really comfortable being there, walking the streets without having the self-awareness of getting judged for not fitting in as a skinny or fitspo (the latest trend in Asian society).

Of course, the culture there is way much better especially if you are in the street and you happen to meet eye to eye with a stranger, they would let off a small smile at you but in Asia, people would just turn their heads away or inevitably roll their eyes away. It’s so-not-friendly at all.

Oh and I spend alot of time in hospital thinking about my social life and I realize that I have very little friends at all, to the extent that they are well almost non-existence at all. My best friend is well, stuck with working and being a single mom that has to take care of her kid and her messy love life that we barely contact each other and hang out. The other friend that I used to thought she was my best friend is busy with her search for looking pretty and keeping her boyfriend entertained, and well, some colleagues and pole friends that are like hi and bye people, to the extent that I feel like I don’t have anyone to hang out with or travel.

I kinda feel like I am a loner and anti-social, I think if it wasn’t for my boyfriend whom is kinda playing the role as my bff, I probably have no one in my social life. It’s a sad truth but I kind of think this is growing up, people stray away from you and it’s just sad when the realization hits you that I don’t have any one that I am close with.

Enough of grumbling or rambling about my life so far, I know I need to brush up on my speech especially in English because I have the tendency to direct translate my thoughts which are in Chinese and it ends up sounding like broken English when I speak and it gets very frustrating to my seniors and ranking crew. Yeah, I have been criticized at work for my poor command in English despite being a Singaporean where English is the first language and Singaporeans tend to be poor at Chinese but well, I’m their direct opposite. I speak alot in Chinese at work and stutter when I speak English and made my colleagues repeat their English because they spoke too fast and I had difficulty to comprehending. My chinese is also nowhere near the Chinese crews standard but I just happen to be able to understand them better.

Ok, bye for now. I shall keep you guys updated soon, hopefully. ❤

Welcome 2019

2018 gone by in flash and although the usual in my house is still happening, getting screamed at and getting called useless, the unfairness in the house, I thought of moving out several times, using the fund I actually did save to find a place and move out and paid the deposit rental for 3 months, then again, I thought, perhaps I could endure for a year or more and put this sum of money to better use…

I live on the edge of not wanting to know what tomorrow will come because since grandma’s departure, I have refused to live on another day in this world but friend’s have told me to try on, one day at a time and so I did, still breathing. However, my reluctance in breathe in this world still exist, I’m living in denial everyday, and death is still an option somewhere at the edge of my mind, I lived my life for her and to repay her with all that I could, but since she is gone, what’s there to live for?

I listened to options, to find a job I liked and so I did, flying around the world seeing places that I used to dream of when I was a kid and satisfy my wanderlust in me, but at the end of the day, I still feel very empty because I did wanted to see the world, but with her. For all her life she never got to enjoy her life but always lived for others. And all I wanted was to reward her for having a hard time to bring me up.

I did fell in love too, it was like a roller coaster. Good times and bad times, and I thought this would let me find a meaning in life to live for, for the future of both of us, to have someone to rely on and a future that belongs to two of us to look forward to and finally finding a reason to live on in life. Then again, I was wrong. Somehow I still struggled, I couldn’t comprehend what was this love thing all about, maybe it was my first. But it definitely was a lesson for me to learn and still learning by the way, it was somewhat different, different from the kind of love that I have been wanting to experience again since she left.

It was always interesting to hear about her old world war stories and her growing up wisdom and occasionally, gossips from the neighbors and relatives. However it wasn’t as interesting when you had to hear someone pouring his woes on his job and life every single meetup. I’m a curious girl, I love to hear interesting things about something old and unique, and of course gossips (a girl’s favourite topic and will never go wrong).

I guess that’s what they say love’s obligation is all about.

You’ve got to listen to his woes on his job and life every single time, listen to every single detail of what he did at his job, understand his job from top to toe. Listen to every complain that he has to say about his work and the people he met. Sometimes I wonder, I am being a punching bag at home and now, I’ve got to be his listening ear for his woes and sorrows. But all I hear is negativity, where are the interesting things and sights and positivity that should be heard to balance out everything? WHERE?

No, he doesn’t share with me his positivity, all the interesting things that happen, he shares it with his friends and his closest ones. Sometimes I wonder, am I just a 诉苦的港口? Or does he not have anything interesting and positive to share?

I feel tired, sometimes I run out of encouraging things to cheer him up. (If anyone here could give me some tips, I would totally appreciate it.). I just keep mum and listen and goes home for a drink to forget about the heavily emphasis negativity. You probably be thinking why do I drink alot right? I drink when I am stressed and I drink to forget about the negativity, I drink to lift my spirits.

And rarely, I drink because I am happy, (but it do happens…)

I guess it’s getting pretty lengthy for this post, but I do hope that 2019 gets better over time, since it’s almost midway through January already. How FAST… but as 2019 enters, I know he is not going to travel with me anymore in this year and years ahead to come, but I will, still travel alone, back to the solo travelling days and of course with a huge tinge of disappointment, thinking that I found my partner who is able to deal with my budget travelling. but he isn’t the one fit for that kind of travelling ideology. Oh wells, what to do? Not like compromising will make things work but we have quite a far apart idea and thinking in the life path that we want. Ok, enough talks about him.

Now my dream in 2019 is to get a steady improvement in pole, hopefully in the flexibility side since I am stiff as a stick and get healthier (fall sick less often) , less itch to my sensitive skin, turn prettier, and perhaps move out and be fully independent on my own? (that way I don’t think I have to rely on anyone anymore.?) Oh and last and importantly, 2019 is the last year of my flying contract and I hope they will renew my flying license if not it will probably be the last year of flying I guess. ( touch wood! I hope this doesn’t happen because I still love flying, even just doing turn-arounds, it’s still interesting in a way.)

Ok bye for now, I’ve got a Hangzhou layover with some nice people later on. Time to snooze. ❤


(That’s me in Shanghai in 2018 on my birthday trip with the teddy that I won from claw machine.)

Nit Grits of Amritsar

Honestly, I have never really a fan of India but after frequently flying to Amritsar, I’m kinda getting used to it. I wouldn’t say I enjoy my layover there, but it was an interesting experience.

My first cafe experience in Amritsar and they were playing international pop songs but the Indian remake version. You would see couples going there for dates and girls tea time, it’s quite a really modern cafe setting in the very not to modern part of India.

The food looks pretty decent, sandwiches was great but desserts and slushies and milkshake was overloaded with sugar as usual.

Most of the time we would just order room service. It isn’t really that bad. Indian food is just high in calories, high sodium and high oil content. What else? 😛

Because the crew said it was cheap to do hair in Amritsar, my batchie and I decided to try and get our hair dyed, but honestly it’s cheap but the colors was very disappointing haha. Oh wells, for an interesting experience because we spend 6hours in the salon and sat till our butt ache for India is renown for their snail pace service.

On another flight, this captain was a frequent Amritsar flyer and hence he decided to bring the group of us out for some poori experience. I must say it was a fun ride on India’s tuktuk and heading to somewhere in “town” for a delicious poori meal and thankfully I did not had food poisoning! HAHA~


Yes that’s the group of us and no, not the entire set of crew was there. I guess I was the only Singapore chinese crew that is adventurous enough to step out of the hotel to join them for some authentic poori food-venture! 😀



What should I do?

It’s July of 2018 and it’s been one year and entering 8th month of my flying career. My health has been ruined and my skin conditions has worsened. Nothing seem to be great. Even my flying roster is just a disappointment, months and months worth of Japan flight and some turnaround, and trying my luck to swap those Japan flight to my favourite China flights, and swapping of flights is harder than you think.

There, my love life, it wasn’t as colorful and vibrant as I used to imagine it would be when I was a little girl or when I started this site. I find myself sometimes feeling really unhappy and I don’t know why. I always wonder, is he the right guy? I keep asking myself but the truth, I don’t know the answer. And “que sera sera” whatever will be, will be, I let time tell everything… but then again, what should I do with my lost smile?

I still keep those beliefs of what I used to think was the right ones… but upholding these beliefs, they are harder than I can imagine it to be. Maybe I am a perfectionist. I guess. And that’s what is making me unhappy. I find happiness when I helped someone and that sense of satisfaction leaves me a happy smile deep down and on my exterior, beaming with joy.

With the travelling experiences and the many one-time encounters of different cultures and people, I could never comprehend, how could you let someone enter your life completely? Giving someone your heart completely, and taking care of him as though he is your one and only.

Then again, there was this one night during my layover, my Japanese roomie asked me so what kind of guys do you fancy? And she said, “mine, 1st, must be rich, 2nd, must be gentle, 3rd, someone that I can look up to”.

It left me thinking really hard, what did I want initially? Ohhhh that long list that I created when I was in my teens? Someone respectful, someone who makes me become a better person and someone who is not lazy, was what I eventually told her. But then I thought, “rich” is pretty essential in Singapore too, you definitely do not want to be living in poverty and struggling to make ends meet. What my Japanese roomie said wasn’t wrong too, someone to look up to, so he can lead the way, he can show you things you never seen before/heard/encountered before, that is pretty amazing too. This criteria seems kinda tough though, which means he has to be smart and have a rich life experiences.

And then it just hits me hard.

Everything that I imagine it would be was … well kinda WRONG.



A Year of Flying

It’s been a year plus a month since my first SNY (supernumerary flight aka training flight). All the things that I have been through, trashy flights, badly planned rosters, weirdo and faulty passengers, repeated flights in the same month, medical cases, stolen passport, weird roomies, and what else?

Sometimes, I’m just really exhausted to the point, hey, let’s give up layovers for a turn or a standby. It doesn’t matter if my allowances gets affected or I don’t get to travel as much. Yes, it kinda doesn’t matter anymore, because for this one year of flying, I gave up alot, on friendship, love life and most importantly, POLE-DANCING!

I realized how everyone has progressed so much and there’s me barely any progression and I feel miserable. Not only that, my flexibility remained stagnant and dropped alittle which is very depressing. I wish I was bendy as a rubber band now. Ok, now back to flying.

As flying is very interesting and amazing when I first started, this feeling seemed so surreal nowadays. I feel like I am dragging my soul and body to report for flight every single time. I’m not longer feeling that tinge of excitement and visiting the countries. I guess mainly it’s because of my roster, constantly getting Japan, Japan and more Japan. I am definitely not a great fan of Japan but rather China. I love visiting China, even if it’s over and over again, the passengers are humorously funny and cute for I rather be a “airplane guide” to explain to them how to use the toilet, how to order meals and such than to be using sign language to explain to a passenger which made me feel very worthless.

But then again, getting China flights is harder than you ever imagine. There are those people who are blessed with great rosters and there’s me trying hard to swap for a china flight even if it meant only just a night stay or having to take several standbys and turnaround flights for it.

I know I’m silly, But then again, when you are an unlucky person what else can you do? Sacrifices.

But probably not anymore this year. I’m really exhausted.

I thought so many times about quitting.

I wanted a more stagnant destination, I rather do same destination layovers over and over again, but definitely not Japan but somewhere in Asia. Hmmm

I wanted back my pole dancing life really badly. Really really.

I’m so sick of speaking English as a result my Chinese is getting very choppy.

Sometimes I just am so badly rested I wish I could stopped flying for a good one month.


























  • 如果看见了老奶奶和她们的孙子坐在一块,我就会幻想如果奶奶还在,或许我现在或明天能拿假期带她出国游玩世界,那是我从小以来的梦想,长大后要用尽一切回报她用心把我带大。
  • 如果看见了双双对对的情侣,我就会开始觉的我为什么那么傻,选择了放弃而不厚着脸皮地去追,活着已经全力而不后悔的思想,或许现在不会是我一个人了。
  • 如果看见了一群朋友,我就会想,我的朋友个个都去哪了?怎么,我老是一个人,我就近是否真的有朋友?



The long awaited staycation finally came, after weeks and weeks of waiting. It was my first staycation with Yunteng and I was really excited about being away from home and work for a good one day to chill and relax.

SO why did we choose FOUR POINTS SHERATON? over the so many other hotels in Singapore? Well, because mainly it met our budget of less than $150/night and it was in the area with plenty of activities and food places.

Actually, Four Points Sheraton was previously the old Riverview Hotel Singapore which everyone remembers for the murder case that happened few years back in Room 1511 and I didn’t google on the exactly room location until I returned home from the staycation and turns out that the murder scene was just a room below ours…HMM… I wonder if the room is available for hotel guests or has it been blocked permanently?


Anyway back to the more juicy details about the staycation! I left my house at around 12noon on Saturday hoping that we could check in at 2pm sharp and have enough time to SUNTAN!!! Yeah, my favourite activity!


This was the lift lobby view from our 16th storey floor. It has a really nice curved porch where you can take lots of instagram-worthy shots but I was too lazy to pose and wanted to head straight into the room to snooze! HAHA 😛


We book a superior room and twin beds and requested for a bathtub and highfloor and they acceded to our request and in our room there was this lovely sofa bed by the window with a nice spotlight right smack in the middle which gives the window place one of the best spot in the room to take photo!


(I’m alilttle lazy to edit the photos so pardon if it’s not pretty enough.)

With Yunteng 😀


The view was really spectacular so I can’t help doing some of my favourite yoga poses! HEHE 😀


“When you have a spontaneous friend who joins you in attempt of a Lord of the Dance yoga pose, it’s AWESOME!”

We took quite awhile with photos-taking at the pretty window before we finally dressed ourselves and headed to the pool for some tanning action! FINALLY 😀

I brought my blue polka dot bikini that I got in Bangkok earlier this year and my sunglasses from my last year’s Shenzhen trip!

The pool side was nothing spectacular or pretty, it was the exact similar pool as the old Riverview hotel, so we didn’t take much photos at the pool.

Around evening we headed to Liang Court to grab some dinner and Medi-ya to do some grocery shopping! And I got myself a cider heheehe


So Yunteng took a sneaky pic of me while as waiting for her to snap photos of the river’s nightview and it just happen that Intercontinental @Robertson Quay which was in the making is in the background…OHHH, good old memories of that building site as it was the former Gallery Hotel Singapore on Nanson Road and there was me, cleaning room as a chambermaid and occasionally slacking while looking out from the windows, now that it has gone into history…memories… HAHA

Brought Yunteng to my favourite casual hunt, Saizeriya! Decent italian food at affordable prices and she loved it, that explains the aplenty of selfies haha.

And after dinner we headed back to the hotel and I passed her belated present as I wasn’t able to give her on time because I was busy occupied with my cabin crew training paperwork and contract… So thrilled she didn’t mind that her present were late and in fact she’s was really happy with the presents! YEAH 😀


It’s my first attempt on yoga ball to assist on a back bend, and I have admit, it really helps open up your back and shoulders alot more than not using any equipment to do a backbend, THUMBS UP!


Apparently, I was attempting to do a yoga ball pushup but it was really hard to maneuver as it was my first time trying and ended up sliding to that position…EMBARRASSED HAHA XD



Well, it’s another attempt using yoga ball to do an assisted elbow stand scorpion pose, not too bad for a beginner I guess, although it’s not a perfect one!


Practiced my bridging too and Yunteng decided to join me!

img_1850img_1851I taught her the camel pose too and it look pretty good and we manage to do a double camel pose! It was my first time snapping yoga pose with a partner (which has been my dream to have a yoga partner for once) and I really love how it turns out! THANKS ❤


There’s the opposite attract haha, doesn’t it looks like this icons ><

I really love the gym lighting and backdrop, pretty place to take yoga photos, if only there was a pole, it would be really really pretty to take pole pics!


After gym and stretching sessions, it was my favourite activity, BUBBLE BATHS! Look at thick blobs of bubble foam! Lovingggggggggg it WOOHOO!

It started to pour heavily and the rumbling thunders could be heard from the window and we decided to stay up to play some real monopoly which evokes lots of childhood memories and of course, not forgetting my Albens Apply Cider that I got. (It was good, better than Somersby and Strongbows as it’s really less less sweet!)

We woke up late the next day and check out of the hotel at 1.40pm even though we requested for late check out till 1pm, they did not charged us for the late check out hehe!


Bye, Four Points Sheraton, it was a lovely stay 😀


After checking out we headed to Cineleisure to catch the horror movie that we had been wanted to watch before we headed back, it was an impromptu decision but I did enjoyed myself alot hehe!

So looking forward to my Bangkok solo trip next 🙂










啊 … 果真!这不是一场梦!





她: “无妨,只要你心里有我,即使百年才能见那一次,我也开心,就好像此时此刻,无比的可贵。”

他:“你好傻呀 …”


他:“傻瓜,让我背背你吧, 看你也走得累了吧!”














Thank You

To my GBF (Guy-Best-Friend),

(I know I have been blocked on all your facebook, instagram and even whatsapp, and I don’t know if you are ever gonna read this, but I would still want to thank you for that night.)

Thank you for that help and spending the whole night over the phone to console me when you have school the next day and having a hard-to-handle girlfriend that might be pretty risky to actually be helping me that much. You have been probably the best that I could ever have and knowing you was truly a blessing.

Thank you for being that shiny black knight in armor, although I won’t know when I would ever meet my charming prince, thanks for helping me find out what happen and saved me from another possible worse heartbreak from him (whom I thought was really my prince charming, I know I was an absolute fool.)

Thank you for helping me get it clear, cheering me up and motivating me to get up again. Whatever that you said and what Uncle Dave said to me are exactly almost the same thing. I shouldn’t let a guy that I love to convince me to give up on my passion, pole-dancing and he should accept me for who I am. You guys were right.

You have been a really good friend for the past one year plus and even though you are busy with work and girlfriend, yet you would always drop me concerning text, festive messages and wishes which is probably something I’m really happy to receive because I have no one who actually cared about me in the house since grandma left me.

I really had no intentions of disturbing you but still I’m thankful for having such a good friend even though my connections of knowing that you are doing well is completely cut. You have been my motivator and a truly excellent adviser and I hope you’ll be well.

(Ps. I know I’m super duper awfully sad to lose a friend because I don’t have much friends as I’m an absolute introvert but I guess this is just part and parcel of life. Who knows someday I might just meet again in the streets…)


To Myself

How many times have it happened?

You never learn your lesson, do YOU?

Why are you so gullible?

Why are you so trusting?

Why are you so silly?

You should have held on and guard your heart with all your means.

Now, you’re hurt again.

It was a major disappointment.

Would you ever just wake up to your senses and not harbor any thoughts of happiness?

Happiness is not yours to keep.

You are born to be a slave, tortured by the reality of life.

Life will never get better not matter how hard you try to make it right.

It never will.

And yes, you should just give up on hope.

I hate myself.