空荡荡的

最近老是忙着飞来飞去,往不同地国家奔跑,也忙着去找时间学钢管舞和健身,不然就是睡觉(不知怎么了,老是觉得很疲倦,大概时差和半夜班机的关系吧。)我总觉得时间不够用。

可当我在国外休息时或自己独自去走走时,才发现原来我又似乎的一点点不快乐。

我总会想起一些往事,我总觉得开始有点后悔放弃一些或许当时觉得是不好的东西,可不知是年龄大了,开始觉得或许如果当时没放下那些东西和事物,结局又会是如何的,或许我不会是空荡荡的一个人,或许我现在拥有两全其美的美梦。

但如果因害怕空荡荡的结果而选择了坚持和忍耐,我又会快乐吗?

嗨。。。烦死我了啦!

其实为什么要想那么多?

我自个也开始矛盾了。选择了,做出了决定,那就成定局了,何必在想些毫无意义的东东?

可在大多数的情况下,我始终还是觉得非常的空。

因麽嚒的离别我选择了当空姐,为了能在天空中飞行,能和她有更进一步的距离,但最大的原因还是为了逃避,逃避新加坡,逃避这个冷清的家,逃避这个现实。

有时当我坐在那空姐的宝座时,面对这乘客我不知不觉就会开始想:

  • 如果看见了老奶奶和她们的孙子坐在一块,我就会幻想如果奶奶还在,或许我现在或明天能拿假期带她出国游玩世界,那是我从小以来的梦想,长大后要用尽一切回报她用心把我带大。
  • 如果看见了双双对对的情侣,我就会开始觉的我为什么那么傻,选择了放弃而不厚着脸皮地去追,活着已经全力而不后悔的思想,或许现在不会是我一个人了。
  • 如果看见了一群朋友,我就会想,我的朋友个个都去哪了?怎么,我老是一个人,我就近是否真的有朋友?

其实,我不知道为什么要选择了活着追求生命的意义。至今年年过了一年,我始终还放不下我的阴影,也放不下对麽麽的思念,我老是觉得空荡荡的,不知活着到底实在为什么而活?毫无目标,人生计划地活着,我究竟是要如何地过日?

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Staycation: FOUR POINTS SHERATON!

The long awaited staycation finally came, after weeks and weeks of waiting. It was my first staycation with Yunteng and I was really excited about being away from home and work for a good one day to chill and relax.

SO why did we choose FOUR POINTS SHERATON? over the so many other hotels in Singapore? Well, because mainly it met our budget of less than $150/night and it was in the area with plenty of activities and food places.

Actually, Four Points Sheraton was previously the old Riverview Hotel Singapore which everyone remembers for the murder case that happened few years back in Room 1511 and I didn’t google on the exactly room location until I returned home from the staycation and turns out that the murder scene was just a room below ours…HMM… I wonder if the room is available for hotel guests or has it been blocked permanently?

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Anyway back to the more juicy details about the staycation! I left my house at around 12noon on Saturday hoping that we could check in at 2pm sharp and have enough time to SUNTAN!!! Yeah, my favourite activity!

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This was the lift lobby view from our 16th storey floor. It has a really nice curved porch where you can take lots of instagram-worthy shots but I was too lazy to pose and wanted to head straight into the room to snooze! HAHA 😛

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We book a superior room and twin beds and requested for a bathtub and highfloor and they acceded to our request and in our room there was this lovely sofa bed by the window with a nice spotlight right smack in the middle which gives the window place one of the best spot in the room to take photo!

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(I’m alilttle lazy to edit the photos so pardon if it’s not pretty enough.)

With Yunteng 😀

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The view was really spectacular so I can’t help doing some of my favourite yoga poses! HEHE 😀

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“When you have a spontaneous friend who joins you in attempt of a Lord of the Dance yoga pose, it’s AWESOME!”

We took quite awhile with photos-taking at the pretty window before we finally dressed ourselves and headed to the pool for some tanning action! FINALLY 😀

I brought my blue polka dot bikini that I got in Bangkok earlier this year and my sunglasses from my last year’s Shenzhen trip!

The pool side was nothing spectacular or pretty, it was the exact similar pool as the old Riverview hotel, so we didn’t take much photos at the pool.

Around evening we headed to Liang Court to grab some dinner and Medi-ya to do some grocery shopping! And I got myself a cider heheehe

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So Yunteng took a sneaky pic of me while as waiting for her to snap photos of the river’s nightview and it just happen that Intercontinental @Robertson Quay which was in the making is in the background…OHHH, good old memories of that building site as it was the former Gallery Hotel Singapore on Nanson Road and there was me, cleaning room as a chambermaid and occasionally slacking while looking out from the windows, now that it has gone into history…memories… HAHA

Brought Yunteng to my favourite casual hunt, Saizeriya! Decent italian food at affordable prices and she loved it, that explains the aplenty of selfies haha.

And after dinner we headed back to the hotel and I passed her belated present as I wasn’t able to give her on time because I was busy occupied with my cabin crew training paperwork and contract… So thrilled she didn’t mind that her present were late and in fact she’s was really happy with the presents! YEAH 😀

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It’s my first attempt on yoga ball to assist on a back bend, and I have admit, it really helps open up your back and shoulders alot more than not using any equipment to do a backbend, THUMBS UP!

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Apparently, I was attempting to do a yoga ball pushup but it was really hard to maneuver as it was my first time trying and ended up sliding to that position…EMBARRASSED HAHA XD

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Well, it’s another attempt using yoga ball to do an assisted elbow stand scorpion pose, not too bad for a beginner I guess, although it’s not a perfect one!

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Practiced my bridging too and Yunteng decided to join me!

img_1850img_1851I taught her the camel pose too and it look pretty good and we manage to do a double camel pose! It was my first time snapping yoga pose with a partner (which has been my dream to have a yoga partner for once) and I really love how it turns out! THANKS ❤

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There’s the opposite attract haha, doesn’t it looks like this icons ><

I really love the gym lighting and backdrop, pretty place to take yoga photos, if only there was a pole, it would be really really pretty to take pole pics!

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After gym and stretching sessions, it was my favourite activity, BUBBLE BATHS! Look at thick blobs of bubble foam! Lovingggggggggg it WOOHOO!

It started to pour heavily and the rumbling thunders could be heard from the window and we decided to stay up to play some real monopoly which evokes lots of childhood memories and of course, not forgetting my Albens Apply Cider that I got. (It was good, better than Somersby and Strongbows as it’s really less less sweet!)

We woke up late the next day and check out of the hotel at 1.40pm even though we requested for late check out till 1pm, they did not charged us for the late check out hehe!

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Bye, Four Points Sheraton, it was a lovely stay 😀

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After checking out we headed to Cineleisure to catch the horror movie that we had been wanted to watch before we headed back, it was an impromptu decision but I did enjoyed myself alot hehe!

So looking forward to my Bangkok solo trip next 🙂

夜空里的漫步

该入春的那一晚。

夜空里的星星不多,但微风阵阵的吹着,挺凉快的。

她们在一个不起眼的小公园见面了。

似乎三个星期没见了,当碰面的一刹那,她兴奋极了。

当他关心地问候了一句,

“你近来好吗?”

她真个人都化了,仿佛在记忆里快消失的那熟悉的声音,她又再次听见了。

她不知有无比的开心,不知是否是幻觉,便悄悄地捏了自己的手臂一下下。

啊 … 果真!这不是一场梦!

他就一个大男生穿着非常朴素的T恤和卡其色的短裤配上一双无名的拖鞋,

手里还拿着在充电的手机和充电器,

站在她的身旁,一同在公园里漫步。

他:“对不起,我近来真的太忙了,该做的是多的连睡眠的时间都被消化了…没空见你。”

她: “无妨,只要你心里有我,即使百年才能见那一次,我也开心,就好像此时此刻,无比的可贵。”

他:“你好傻呀 …”

她便微笑了因为她就是那么的单纯可爱。

他:“傻瓜,让我背背你吧, 看你也走得累了吧!”

她爬上了他的厚厚的背上,感觉好温暖,好踏实。

走着走着,忽然他不小心失了足,差点就把女生给掉了下来,简直是吃了一场惊!

她:“放我下来吧,我想你也累了…”

他:“好吧,我们去那秋千歇一会儿!”

她坐上了秋千,他偷偷在她的背后微微地推了一把。

她:“啊,哈哈,你在干什么!”

他静静地一句话也不说,当秋千开始慢慢地荡了下来,他又用力再给她推了一把。

秋千越荡越高,胆小的她虽然有点还怕,可她一脸幸福开心和那灿烂的笑容把害怕给掩盖了。

他们俩就像回到了童年的时光,一位小女生和男生一同在公园里玩耍,简单朴素的快乐。

多么羡慕啊!

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(故事纯是编制的,如有相同,纯是巧合)

作者:一片云

Thank You

To my GBF (Guy-Best-Friend),

(I know I have been blocked on all your facebook, instagram and even whatsapp, and I don’t know if you are ever gonna read this, but I would still want to thank you for that night.)

Thank you for that help and spending the whole night over the phone to console me when you have school the next day and having a hard-to-handle girlfriend that might be pretty risky to actually be helping me that much. You have been probably the best that I could ever have and knowing you was truly a blessing.

Thank you for being that shiny black knight in armor, although I won’t know when I would ever meet my charming prince, thanks for helping me find out what happen and saved me from another possible worse heartbreak from him (whom I thought was really my prince charming, I know I was an absolute fool.)

Thank you for helping me get it clear, cheering me up and motivating me to get up again. Whatever that you said and what Uncle Dave said to me are exactly almost the same thing. I shouldn’t let a guy that I love to convince me to give up on my passion, pole-dancing and he should accept me for who I am. You guys were right.

You have been a really good friend for the past one year plus and even though you are busy with work and girlfriend, yet you would always drop me concerning text, festive messages and wishes which is probably something I’m really happy to receive because I have no one who actually cared about me in the house since grandma left me.

I really had no intentions of disturbing you but still I’m thankful for having such a good friend even though my connections of knowing that you are doing well is completely cut. You have been my motivator and a truly excellent adviser and I hope you’ll be well.

(Ps. I know I’m super duper awfully sad to lose a friend because I don’t have much friends as I’m an absolute introvert but I guess this is just part and parcel of life. Who knows someday I might just meet again in the streets…)

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To Myself

How many times have it happened?

You never learn your lesson, do YOU?

Why are you so gullible?

Why are you so trusting?

Why are you so silly?

You should have held on and guard your heart with all your means.

Now, you’re hurt again.

It was a major disappointment.

Would you ever just wake up to your senses and not harbor any thoughts of happiness?

Happiness is not yours to keep.

You are born to be a slave, tortured by the reality of life.

Life will never get better not matter how hard you try to make it right.

It never will.

And yes, you should just give up on hope.

I hate myself.

Where are you, self-confidence?

I’ve always never understood why am I such a quiet person who is unable to hold a conversation with someone or even start a simple conversation, now I finally found the answer.

After spending an evening with Uncle Dav and Jo, they convinced me that I was lacked of self-confidence. Uncle Dav said I was afraid, I was afraid that someone to say I am wrong, but instead I should have the attitude and my own viewpoint. He was absolutely right.

The reason that I started blogging since young that I don’t even realize was because I needed a place to speak my mind, someone to hear my words, someone to hear me and somewhere I could vent everything out without worrying about anyone judging. My blog was literally my freedom of speech, I could voice everything and talk about anything without being judged.

And even after I tried hard to make myself look better, scrimping and working hard to afford for braces to make me look beautiful, taking medicine to cure my eczema, and learning how to dress up, keep fit and look good, learning about makeup, it was just temporarily satisfaction and temporary confidence that I felt. But deep down, something was just missing.

Then when I started pole-dancing, I found out how everyone did not judge me from a plain jane who never exercise much nor dance, they encouraged me and I made leaps of improvements. Plus, when I’m on the pole facing that full-length wall mirror, I felt confident, I was capable, I found myself. It was gratifying and a satisfying feeling I felt about myself.

I guess I need to re-discover myself to truly find my confidence. I know my family environment is probably the worst and the main cause of my lack in self-confidence, for they constantly criticize on my actions and character, that is when I started to self-contain myself to protect myself. I need to step out from this fear, I have to overcome it.

It’s really a battle of mind over fear, I need to win this battle please.

怎么那么麻烦的呢?

男生… 他们总是说女生太粘人了。

女生们老是无时无刻得在他们身边。

我便只需要见他们每星期1-2次面。

男生… 他们又说我太冷了。

难道就不会想念他们吗?

想。但忍,因为有期待才会珍惜在一起的时光。

男生… 他们说女生让他们没空间呼吸。

女生们不让他们做喜欢做的事,如喝酒健身…

我便让他们把好友排我前,只要遵守见面的约定。

男生… 他们又说我不关心他们。

难道就没把他们放在眼里?

你喝酒我担心,你把朋友当优先,我无所谓。

只有一个字“信”。

我相信,我是在和一个人谈恋爱,不是捆着只小鸟。

我相信,只要心里有我,即使不常见,只要天天都有某方面的联络。

我也可高兴。

我就是那么简单,就是那么信任人,容易就能满足了。

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可男生怎么都不明白,老是说我冷,莫无关心,甚至有些还怀疑我背后还有其他男生?

这简直太荒谬了,粘人你们嫌,给自由你们怀疑,我到底该怎么做在是好?

(或许一个人的世界才是最美好的…)