What should I do?

It’s July of 2018 and it’s been one year and entering 8th month of my flying career. My health has been ruined and my skin conditions has worsened. Nothing seem to be great. Even my flying roster is just a disappointment, months and months worth of Japan flight and some turnaround, and trying my luck to swap those Japan flight to my favourite China flights, and swapping of flights is harder than you think.

There, my love life, it wasn’t as colorful and vibrant as I used to imagine it would be when I was a little girl or when I started this site. I find myself sometimes feeling really unhappy and I don’t know why. I always wonder, is he the right guy? I keep asking myself but the truth, I don’t know the answer. And “que sera sera” whatever will be, will be, I let time tell everything… but then again, what should I do with my lost smile?

I still keep those beliefs of what I used to think was the right ones… but upholding these beliefs, they are harder than I can imagine it to be. Maybe I am a perfectionist. I guess. And that’s what is making me unhappy. I find happiness when I helped someone and that sense of satisfaction leaves me a happy smile deep down and on my exterior, beaming with joy.

With the travelling experiences and the many one-time encounters of different cultures and people, I could never comprehend, how could you let someone enter your life completely? Giving someone your heart completely, and taking care of him as though he is your one and only.

Then again, there was this one night during my layover, my Japanese roomie asked me so what kind of guys do you fancy? And she said, “mine, 1st, must be rich, 2nd, must be gentle, 3rd, someone that I can look up to”.

It left me thinking really hard, what did I want initially? Ohhhh that long list that I created when I was in my teens? Someone respectful, someone who makes me become a better person and someone who is not lazy, was what I eventually told her. But then I thought, “rich” is pretty essential in Singapore too, you definitely do not want to be living in poverty and struggling to make ends meet. What my Japanese roomie said wasn’t wrong too, someone to look up to, so he can lead the way, he can show you things you never seen before/heard/encountered before, that is pretty amazing too. This criteria seems kinda tough though, which means he has to be smart and have a rich life experiences.

And then it just hits me hard.

Everything that I imagine it would be was … well kinda WRONG.

 

 

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A Year of Flying

It’s been a year plus a month since my first SNY (supernumerary flight aka training flight). All the things that I have been through, trashy flights, badly planned rosters, weirdo and faulty passengers, repeated flights in the same month, medical cases, stolen passport, weird roomies, and what else?

Sometimes, I’m just really exhausted to the point, hey, let’s give up layovers for a turn or a standby. It doesn’t matter if my allowances gets affected or I don’t get to travel as much. Yes, it kinda doesn’t matter anymore, because for this one year of flying, I gave up alot, on friendship, love life and most importantly, POLE-DANCING!

I realized how everyone has progressed so much and there’s me barely any progression and I feel miserable. Not only that, my flexibility remained stagnant and dropped alittle which is very depressing. I wish I was bendy as a rubber band now. Ok, now back to flying.

As flying is very interesting and amazing when I first started, this feeling seemed so surreal nowadays. I feel like I am dragging my soul and body to report for flight every single time. I’m not longer feeling that tinge of excitement and visiting the countries. I guess mainly it’s because of my roster, constantly getting Japan, Japan and more Japan. I am definitely not a great fan of Japan but rather China. I love visiting China, even if it’s over and over again, the passengers are humorously funny and cute for I rather be a “airplane guide” to explain to them how to use the toilet, how to order meals and such than to be using sign language to explain to a passenger which made me feel very worthless.

But then again, getting China flights is harder than you ever imagine. There are those people who are blessed with great rosters and there’s me trying hard to swap for a china flight even if it meant only just a night stay or having to take several standbys and turnaround flights for it.

I know I’m silly, But then again, when you are an unlucky person what else can you do? Sacrifices.

But probably not anymore this year. I’m really exhausted.

I thought so many times about quitting.

I wanted a more stagnant destination, I rather do same destination layovers over and over again, but definitely not Japan but somewhere in Asia. Hmmm

I wanted back my pole dancing life really badly. Really really.

I’m so sick of speaking English as a result my Chinese is getting very choppy.

Sometimes I just am so badly rested I wish I could stopped flying for a good one month.

DAMN.

妈妈,我又想你多一年了。

今天是新的一年,本应该是个非常开兴喜庆的日子。还记得那前几年你还在的日子,我都会和你一起在客厅里观看电视节目的新年倒数节目。可已经过了那么多年了,我都从来忘不了你离去的那一幕也忘不了你和我开心地度过的每一年,每一天,每一个节日。

可我今年病了,病得有点严重,但我昨晚回家时,脸色苍白,就连我的唇色也是白的,可那可恶的巫婆却当我一踏进门时却是“你为什么那么快回来?”,可我却低声的求她可以不可以帮我找哪里还有医生可以看病。她却骂我说,你活该,乱吃东西才会生病,并又和她娇贵的女儿说的有声有笑,可我真的一点力气也无法和她顶撞,躺在床上就这样昏睡过去了。

我真的很痛心,做为一个生我的母亲你连一个最基本的同情心也不舍我一点,我真的无话可说。就连你幼儿园的小朋友你都会带他们去看医生,但我可是你怀在肚子里9个月生出来的,但你连一点怜悯之心也无。我不知道我为什么一直抱着那薇薇的期望,希望有一天你会关心我一点,可我每次都告诉自己,别再骗自己了,妈妈也告诉我你的巫婆生母是不会回头的,她的迷信已经无法理喻,连平常人,辅导员都无法接通的。我的心还是算了吧。

可我。。。却还是有那么一点的心痛。

妈妈,如果你还在,我今天不会是个没人要的孩子。我真的很想你,真想你我生病的时候你为我做的一切。我常常都梦见你,可我知道你只能活在我脑海里,在我的心里。你留给我的所有东东,我都不要也从未动过,我只想用来换你这个人。

我不想继续伪装成一个非常独立又坚强的女生,其实我一点也不是,我有颗和玻璃一般的精碎的心,一碰就会碎。我经常出国旅行是为了逃避,为了想你更少一些,那短暂的忙碌已经开始让我的身体吃不肖,时不时就生病。

我知道我真的傻,傻的无可救药,但时光是无法倒流,我的心也只能一直一直地被这样则疼下去。

病了,但心也病得更加严重。

妈妈,你在天上是否还想起这个在地球上被折磨的孩子?

妈妈,新年快乐。

我一直都会想你。

嗯,当我在打出此文时,我的泪水已淹没了这整台电脑。

空荡荡的

最近老是忙着飞来飞去,往不同地国家奔跑,也忙着去找时间学钢管舞和健身,不然就是睡觉(不知怎么了,老是觉得很疲倦,大概时差和半夜班机的关系吧。)我总觉得时间不够用。

可当我在国外休息时或自己独自去走走时,才发现原来我又似乎的一点点不快乐。

我总会想起一些往事,我总觉得开始有点后悔放弃一些或许当时觉得是不好的东西,可不知是年龄大了,开始觉得或许如果当时没放下那些东西和事物,结局又会是如何的,或许我不会是空荡荡的一个人,或许我现在拥有两全其美的美梦。

但如果因害怕空荡荡的结果而选择了坚持和忍耐,我又会快乐吗?

嗨。。。烦死我了啦!

其实为什么要想那么多?

我自个也开始矛盾了。选择了,做出了决定,那就成定局了,何必在想些毫无意义的东东?

可在大多数的情况下,我始终还是觉得非常的空。

因麽嚒的离别我选择了当空姐,为了能在天空中飞行,能和她有更进一步的距离,但最大的原因还是为了逃避,逃避新加坡,逃避这个冷清的家,逃避这个现实。

有时当我坐在那空姐的宝座时,面对这乘客我不知不觉就会开始想:

  • 如果看见了老奶奶和她们的孙子坐在一块,我就会幻想如果奶奶还在,或许我现在或明天能拿假期带她出国游玩世界,那是我从小以来的梦想,长大后要用尽一切回报她用心把我带大。
  • 如果看见了双双对对的情侣,我就会开始觉的我为什么那么傻,选择了放弃而不厚着脸皮地去追,活着已经全力而不后悔的思想,或许现在不会是我一个人了。
  • 如果看见了一群朋友,我就会想,我的朋友个个都去哪了?怎么,我老是一个人,我就近是否真的有朋友?

其实,我不知道为什么要选择了活着追求生命的意义。至今年年过了一年,我始终还放不下我的阴影,也放不下对麽麽的思念,我老是觉得空荡荡的,不知活着到底实在为什么而活?毫无目标,人生计划地活着,我究竟是要如何地过日?

Staycation: FOUR POINTS SHERATON!

The long awaited staycation finally came, after weeks and weeks of waiting. It was my first staycation with Yunteng and I was really excited about being away from home and work for a good one day to chill and relax.

SO why did we choose FOUR POINTS SHERATON? over the so many other hotels in Singapore? Well, because mainly it met our budget of less than $150/night and it was in the area with plenty of activities and food places.

Actually, Four Points Sheraton was previously the old Riverview Hotel Singapore which everyone remembers for the murder case that happened few years back in Room 1511 and I didn’t google on the exactly room location until I returned home from the staycation and turns out that the murder scene was just a room below ours…HMM… I wonder if the room is available for hotel guests or has it been blocked permanently?

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Anyway back to the more juicy details about the staycation! I left my house at around 12noon on Saturday hoping that we could check in at 2pm sharp and have enough time to SUNTAN!!! Yeah, my favourite activity!

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This was the lift lobby view from our 16th storey floor. It has a really nice curved porch where you can take lots of instagram-worthy shots but I was too lazy to pose and wanted to head straight into the room to snooze! HAHA 😛

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We book a superior room and twin beds and requested for a bathtub and highfloor and they acceded to our request and in our room there was this lovely sofa bed by the window with a nice spotlight right smack in the middle which gives the window place one of the best spot in the room to take photo!

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(I’m alilttle lazy to edit the photos so pardon if it’s not pretty enough.)

With Yunteng 😀

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The view was really spectacular so I can’t help doing some of my favourite yoga poses! HEHE 😀

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“When you have a spontaneous friend who joins you in attempt of a Lord of the Dance yoga pose, it’s AWESOME!”

We took quite awhile with photos-taking at the pretty window before we finally dressed ourselves and headed to the pool for some tanning action! FINALLY 😀

I brought my blue polka dot bikini that I got in Bangkok earlier this year and my sunglasses from my last year’s Shenzhen trip!

The pool side was nothing spectacular or pretty, it was the exact similar pool as the old Riverview hotel, so we didn’t take much photos at the pool.

Around evening we headed to Liang Court to grab some dinner and Medi-ya to do some grocery shopping! And I got myself a cider heheehe

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So Yunteng took a sneaky pic of me while as waiting for her to snap photos of the river’s nightview and it just happen that Intercontinental @Robertson Quay which was in the making is in the background…OHHH, good old memories of that building site as it was the former Gallery Hotel Singapore on Nanson Road and there was me, cleaning room as a chambermaid and occasionally slacking while looking out from the windows, now that it has gone into history…memories… HAHA

Brought Yunteng to my favourite casual hunt, Saizeriya! Decent italian food at affordable prices and she loved it, that explains the aplenty of selfies haha.

And after dinner we headed back to the hotel and I passed her belated present as I wasn’t able to give her on time because I was busy occupied with my cabin crew training paperwork and contract… So thrilled she didn’t mind that her present were late and in fact she’s was really happy with the presents! YEAH 😀

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It’s my first attempt on yoga ball to assist on a back bend, and I have admit, it really helps open up your back and shoulders alot more than not using any equipment to do a backbend, THUMBS UP!

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Apparently, I was attempting to do a yoga ball pushup but it was really hard to maneuver as it was my first time trying and ended up sliding to that position…EMBARRASSED HAHA XD

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Well, it’s another attempt using yoga ball to do an assisted elbow stand scorpion pose, not too bad for a beginner I guess, although it’s not a perfect one!

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Practiced my bridging too and Yunteng decided to join me!

img_1850img_1851I taught her the camel pose too and it look pretty good and we manage to do a double camel pose! It was my first time snapping yoga pose with a partner (which has been my dream to have a yoga partner for once) and I really love how it turns out! THANKS ❤

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There’s the opposite attract haha, doesn’t it looks like this icons ><

I really love the gym lighting and backdrop, pretty place to take yoga photos, if only there was a pole, it would be really really pretty to take pole pics!

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After gym and stretching sessions, it was my favourite activity, BUBBLE BATHS! Look at thick blobs of bubble foam! Lovingggggggggg it WOOHOO!

It started to pour heavily and the rumbling thunders could be heard from the window and we decided to stay up to play some real monopoly which evokes lots of childhood memories and of course, not forgetting my Albens Apply Cider that I got. (It was good, better than Somersby and Strongbows as it’s really less less sweet!)

We woke up late the next day and check out of the hotel at 1.40pm even though we requested for late check out till 1pm, they did not charged us for the late check out hehe!

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Bye, Four Points Sheraton, it was a lovely stay 😀

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After checking out we headed to Cineleisure to catch the horror movie that we had been wanted to watch before we headed back, it was an impromptu decision but I did enjoyed myself alot hehe!

So looking forward to my Bangkok solo trip next 🙂

夜空里的漫步

该入春的那一晚。

夜空里的星星不多,但微风阵阵的吹着,挺凉快的。

她们在一个不起眼的小公园见面了。

似乎三个星期没见了,当碰面的一刹那,她兴奋极了。

当他关心地问候了一句,

“你近来好吗?”

她真个人都化了,仿佛在记忆里快消失的那熟悉的声音,她又再次听见了。

她不知有无比的开心,不知是否是幻觉,便悄悄地捏了自己的手臂一下下。

啊 … 果真!这不是一场梦!

他就一个大男生穿着非常朴素的T恤和卡其色的短裤配上一双无名的拖鞋,

手里还拿着在充电的手机和充电器,

站在她的身旁,一同在公园里漫步。

他:“对不起,我近来真的太忙了,该做的是多的连睡眠的时间都被消化了…没空见你。”

她: “无妨,只要你心里有我,即使百年才能见那一次,我也开心,就好像此时此刻,无比的可贵。”

他:“你好傻呀 …”

她便微笑了因为她就是那么的单纯可爱。

他:“傻瓜,让我背背你吧, 看你也走得累了吧!”

她爬上了他的厚厚的背上,感觉好温暖,好踏实。

走着走着,忽然他不小心失了足,差点就把女生给掉了下来,简直是吃了一场惊!

她:“放我下来吧,我想你也累了…”

他:“好吧,我们去那秋千歇一会儿!”

她坐上了秋千,他偷偷在她的背后微微地推了一把。

她:“啊,哈哈,你在干什么!”

他静静地一句话也不说,当秋千开始慢慢地荡了下来,他又用力再给她推了一把。

秋千越荡越高,胆小的她虽然有点还怕,可她一脸幸福开心和那灿烂的笑容把害怕给掩盖了。

他们俩就像回到了童年的时光,一位小女生和男生一同在公园里玩耍,简单朴素的快乐。

多么羡慕啊!

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(故事纯是编制的,如有相同,纯是巧合)

作者:一片云

Thank You

To my GBF (Guy-Best-Friend),

(I know I have been blocked on all your facebook, instagram and even whatsapp, and I don’t know if you are ever gonna read this, but I would still want to thank you for that night.)

Thank you for that help and spending the whole night over the phone to console me when you have school the next day and having a hard-to-handle girlfriend that might be pretty risky to actually be helping me that much. You have been probably the best that I could ever have and knowing you was truly a blessing.

Thank you for being that shiny black knight in armor, although I won’t know when I would ever meet my charming prince, thanks for helping me find out what happen and saved me from another possible worse heartbreak from him (whom I thought was really my prince charming, I know I was an absolute fool.)

Thank you for helping me get it clear, cheering me up and motivating me to get up again. Whatever that you said and what Uncle Dave said to me are exactly almost the same thing. I shouldn’t let a guy that I love to convince me to give up on my passion, pole-dancing and he should accept me for who I am. You guys were right.

You have been a really good friend for the past one year plus and even though you are busy with work and girlfriend, yet you would always drop me concerning text, festive messages and wishes which is probably something I’m really happy to receive because I have no one who actually cared about me in the house since grandma left me.

I really had no intentions of disturbing you but still I’m thankful for having such a good friend even though my connections of knowing that you are doing well is completely cut. You have been my motivator and a truly excellent adviser and I hope you’ll be well.

(Ps. I know I’m super duper awfully sad to lose a friend because I don’t have much friends as I’m an absolute introvert but I guess this is just part and parcel of life. Who knows someday I might just meet again in the streets…)

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