Insecurities

Maybe you can call me paranoid,

Maybe you can say I’m doubtful,

But I have this little insecurity that is burning in me.

 

I have been in a relationship for quite awhile now, 1 year and 2 months roughly as I am typing this. We had many ups and downs in our relationship so far and although we have had similar background, our work is keeping us apart most of the time. I fly most of the time and although I tried very hard to have more off days in Singapore than being overseas (more than 8 off days a month as of now), his long working hours and schedule and working 6.5days a week is keeping us apart. Limiting us to only roughly one quick dinner date per week or if time permits, just a short meetup. We only spend our time texting each other to keep ourselves in touch of our lives and this conversing in text usually happens at night when he is finally done with his day. Since then, I started developing this odd habit of keeping my phone by my side all the time so that I can reply him quickly when his text comes over.

I know I have to understand that this is his job and he has to work in order to pay off his Uni study loans and earn income to survive and feed himself and saving to buy a house for our future. However since June, we have been meeting lesser and lesser, the time we spend together is so much lesser and most of the time we only talk about things related to work and saving up. Maybe occasionally, about other things…

As weeks passed, this little insecurity in me keep growing, I’m really scared that one day, over time our relationship, our feelings would fade away, like how my bestie ended her relationship with her Boyfriend that lasted for 4 years plus, because they wanted the save up to buy a house in the 3rd year after they succeeded in getting a bto. They scrimp and save and cut down on dates and only had dinner together and chit chat and went home thereafter. I don’t want to be in their path, and it’s scary that things between me and him seem to be going the same way like how my bestie relationship headed to.

I really don’t know what I should do, I don’t think it’s possible to talk this out with him because he just started working and he has his own work problems to fret about…  and he might misunderstand me and leading to another quarrel which it always happens.

There are so many times I don’t know what I should do or to save myself from thinking astray, I drink, I gym, I pole, I give away my off days to fly more, I go travel, I try so hard to keep myself occupied to not think about what might happen to us if in the long run, this is how we going to keep our relationship and maintaining it.

And all I do is keep telling myself that “whatever will be, will be.” There is no way I could tell what time would brings, if things fade, it’s fated. That is fate, eventually.

I’ve always been a pessimist in life, in everything I do.

And I can’t deny this time I am not.

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MARCH

March is here, how fast. I spend nearly a month in Feb in the hospital because of my gastric issues and now I’m back to flying life. After a month of break from flying life, I am definitely not getting used to layovers anymore. I’m kinda dreading layovers, only looking forward to going home to my own bed and sleep. Not only that, I don’t go out for sightseeing or fun with crew during layovers anymore, I would only leave the hotel when it’s time for food or maybe getting some groceries or daily necessities to bring home.

Worst till, I’m not getting used to sharing room with crew anymore, I can’t sleep well and feel, pretty uncomfortable having someone in the same room as me. All I look forward is to do the turnaround flights on the small aircraft that most crew dislike to work on. I know I’m weird but I am kinda reaching the flying phase where you get sick of having layovers.

I still do love my flying job, meeting and serving all the passengers, some being weird, some being nasty, handling them and of course, there are those nice ones that help keep my time pass faster and meeting the little kiddos that makes me smile.

Sometimes, I wish the airline would do Hong Kong layovers, then I probably give up all my layovers for Hong Kong layovers because I haven’t seen my Hong Kong uncle for a really long time, although I have annual leave, I always spend my annual leave elsewhere like visiting Gold Coast where I finally strike off my bucket list of going to Movie World that had so many thrilling roller coasters that made me screamed, but it was fun though!

Oh and I kinda like Gold Coast or maybe Honolulu as beach destination compared to Asia beach destination like Phuket or Bali even though they are way much cheaper as a beach holiday destination. You know why?

I love how Australians and US people are so open about their body sizes and they embrace their body type even though they may be typed as “fat” or “obsesed” in Asian’s eyes, they call themselves curvy and in the Asian society, curvy people would always donned themselves with lots of fabric to hide their curves and their chubby arms or body but in Australia or US, they dress to flaunt their curves and that’s what I love. There is almost no body size issues regarding to dressing up and I just feel really comfortable being there, walking the streets without having the self-awareness of getting judged for not fitting in as a skinny or fitspo (the latest trend in Asian society).

Of course, the culture there is way much better especially if you are in the street and you happen to meet eye to eye with a stranger, they would let off a small smile at you but in Asia, people would just turn their heads away or inevitably roll their eyes away. It’s so-not-friendly at all.

Oh and I spend alot of time in hospital thinking about my social life and I realize that I have very little friends at all, to the extent that they are well almost non-existence at all. My best friend is well, stuck with working and being a single mom that has to take care of her kid and her messy love life that we barely contact each other and hang out. The other friend that I used to thought she was my best friend is busy with her search for looking pretty and keeping her boyfriend entertained, and well, some colleagues and pole friends that are like hi and bye people, to the extent that I feel like I don’t have anyone to hang out with or travel.

I kinda feel like I am a loner and anti-social, I think if it wasn’t for my boyfriend whom is kinda playing the role as my bff, I probably have no one in my social life. It’s a sad truth but I kind of think this is growing up, people stray away from you and it’s just sad when the realization hits you that I don’t have any one that I am close with.

Enough of grumbling or rambling about my life so far, I know I need to brush up on my speech especially in English because I have the tendency to direct translate my thoughts which are in Chinese and it ends up sounding like broken English when I speak and it gets very frustrating to my seniors and ranking crew. Yeah, I have been criticized at work for my poor command in English despite being a Singaporean where English is the first language and Singaporeans tend to be poor at Chinese but well, I’m their direct opposite. I speak alot in Chinese at work and stutter when I speak English and made my colleagues repeat their English because they spoke too fast and I had difficulty to comprehending. My chinese is also nowhere near the Chinese crews standard but I just happen to be able to understand them better.

Ok, bye for now. I shall keep you guys updated soon, hopefully. ❤

Welcome 2019

2018 gone by in flash and although the usual in my house is still happening, getting screamed at and getting called useless, the unfairness in the house, I thought of moving out several times, using the fund I actually did save to find a place and move out and paid the deposit rental for 3 months, then again, I thought, perhaps I could endure for a year or more and put this sum of money to better use…

I live on the edge of not wanting to know what tomorrow will come because since grandma’s departure, I have refused to live on another day in this world but friend’s have told me to try on, one day at a time and so I did, still breathing. However, my reluctance in breathe in this world still exist, I’m living in denial everyday, and death is still an option somewhere at the edge of my mind, I lived my life for her and to repay her with all that I could, but since she is gone, what’s there to live for?

I listened to options, to find a job I liked and so I did, flying around the world seeing places that I used to dream of when I was a kid and satisfy my wanderlust in me, but at the end of the day, I still feel very empty because I did wanted to see the world, but with her. For all her life she never got to enjoy her life but always lived for others. And all I wanted was to reward her for having a hard time to bring me up.

I did fell in love too, it was like a roller coaster. Good times and bad times, and I thought this would let me find a meaning in life to live for, for the future of both of us, to have someone to rely on and a future that belongs to two of us to look forward to and finally finding a reason to live on in life. Then again, I was wrong. Somehow I still struggled, I couldn’t comprehend what was this love thing all about, maybe it was my first. But it definitely was a lesson for me to learn and still learning by the way, it was somewhat different, different from the kind of love that I have been wanting to experience again since she left.

It was always interesting to hear about her old world war stories and her growing up wisdom and occasionally, gossips from the neighbors and relatives. However it wasn’t as interesting when you had to hear someone pouring his woes on his job and life every single meetup. I’m a curious girl, I love to hear interesting things about something old and unique, and of course gossips (a girl’s favourite topic and will never go wrong).

I guess that’s what they say love’s obligation is all about.

You’ve got to listen to his woes on his job and life every single time, listen to every single detail of what he did at his job, understand his job from top to toe. Listen to every complain that he has to say about his work and the people he met. Sometimes I wonder, I am being a punching bag at home and now, I’ve got to be his listening ear for his woes and sorrows. But all I hear is negativity, where are the interesting things and sights and positivity that should be heard to balance out everything? WHERE?

No, he doesn’t share with me his positivity, all the interesting things that happen, he shares it with his friends and his closest ones. Sometimes I wonder, am I just a 诉苦的港口? Or does he not have anything interesting and positive to share?

I feel tired, sometimes I run out of encouraging things to cheer him up. (If anyone here could give me some tips, I would totally appreciate it.). I just keep mum and listen and goes home for a drink to forget about the heavily emphasis negativity. You probably be thinking why do I drink alot right? I drink when I am stressed and I drink to forget about the negativity, I drink to lift my spirits.

And rarely, I drink because I am happy, (but it do happens…)

I guess it’s getting pretty lengthy for this post, but I do hope that 2019 gets better over time, since it’s almost midway through January already. How FAST… but as 2019 enters, I know he is not going to travel with me anymore in this year and years ahead to come, but I will, still travel alone, back to the solo travelling days and of course with a huge tinge of disappointment, thinking that I found my partner who is able to deal with my budget travelling. but he isn’t the one fit for that kind of travelling ideology. Oh wells, what to do? Not like compromising will make things work but we have quite a far apart idea and thinking in the life path that we want. Ok, enough talks about him.

Now my dream in 2019 is to get a steady improvement in pole, hopefully in the flexibility side since I am stiff as a stick and get healthier (fall sick less often) , less itch to my sensitive skin, turn prettier, and perhaps move out and be fully independent on my own? (that way I don’t think I have to rely on anyone anymore.?) Oh and last and importantly, 2019 is the last year of my flying contract and I hope they will renew my flying license if not it will probably be the last year of flying I guess. ( touch wood! I hope this doesn’t happen because I still love flying, even just doing turn-arounds, it’s still interesting in a way.)

Ok bye for now, I’ve got a Hangzhou layover with some nice people later on. Time to snooze. ❤

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(That’s me in Shanghai in 2018 on my birthday trip with the teddy that I won from claw machine.)

Nit Grits of Amritsar

Honestly, I have never really a fan of India but after frequently flying to Amritsar, I’m kinda getting used to it. I wouldn’t say I enjoy my layover there, but it was an interesting experience.

My first cafe experience in Amritsar and they were playing international pop songs but the Indian remake version. You would see couples going there for dates and girls tea time, it’s quite a really modern cafe setting in the very not to modern part of India.

The food looks pretty decent, sandwiches was great but desserts and slushies and milkshake was overloaded with sugar as usual.

Most of the time we would just order room service. It isn’t really that bad. Indian food is just high in calories, high sodium and high oil content. What else? 😛

Because the crew said it was cheap to do hair in Amritsar, my batchie and I decided to try and get our hair dyed, but honestly it’s cheap but the colors was very disappointing haha. Oh wells, for an interesting experience because we spend 6hours in the salon and sat till our butt ache for India is renown for their snail pace service.

On another flight, this captain was a frequent Amritsar flyer and hence he decided to bring the group of us out for some poori experience. I must say it was a fun ride on India’s tuktuk and heading to somewhere in “town” for a delicious poori meal and thankfully I did not had food poisoning! HAHA~

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Yes that’s the group of us and no, not the entire set of crew was there. I guess I was the only Singapore chinese crew that is adventurous enough to step out of the hotel to join them for some authentic poori food-venture! 😀

 

 

What should I do?

It’s July of 2018 and it’s been one year and entering 8th month of my flying career. My health has been ruined and my skin conditions has worsened. Nothing seem to be great. Even my flying roster is just a disappointment, months and months worth of Japan flight and some turnaround, and trying my luck to swap those Japan flight to my favourite China flights, and swapping of flights is harder than you think.

There, my love life, it wasn’t as colorful and vibrant as I used to imagine it would be when I was a little girl or when I started this site. I find myself sometimes feeling really unhappy and I don’t know why. I always wonder, is he the right guy? I keep asking myself but the truth, I don’t know the answer. And “que sera sera” whatever will be, will be, I let time tell everything… but then again, what should I do with my lost smile?

I still keep those beliefs of what I used to think was the right ones… but upholding these beliefs, they are harder than I can imagine it to be. Maybe I am a perfectionist. I guess. And that’s what is making me unhappy. I find happiness when I helped someone and that sense of satisfaction leaves me a happy smile deep down and on my exterior, beaming with joy.

With the travelling experiences and the many one-time encounters of different cultures and people, I could never comprehend, how could you let someone enter your life completely? Giving someone your heart completely, and taking care of him as though he is your one and only.

Then again, there was this one night during my layover, my Japanese roomie asked me so what kind of guys do you fancy? And she said, “mine, 1st, must be rich, 2nd, must be gentle, 3rd, someone that I can look up to”.

It left me thinking really hard, what did I want initially? Ohhhh that long list that I created when I was in my teens? Someone respectful, someone who makes me become a better person and someone who is not lazy, was what I eventually told her. But then I thought, “rich” is pretty essential in Singapore too, you definitely do not want to be living in poverty and struggling to make ends meet. What my Japanese roomie said wasn’t wrong too, someone to look up to, so he can lead the way, he can show you things you never seen before/heard/encountered before, that is pretty amazing too. This criteria seems kinda tough though, which means he has to be smart and have a rich life experiences.

And then it just hits me hard.

Everything that I imagine it would be was … well kinda WRONG.

 

 

A Year of Flying

It’s been a year plus a month since my first SNY (supernumerary flight aka training flight). All the things that I have been through, trashy flights, badly planned rosters, weirdo and faulty passengers, repeated flights in the same month, medical cases, stolen passport, weird roomies, and what else?

Sometimes, I’m just really exhausted to the point, hey, let’s give up layovers for a turn or a standby. It doesn’t matter if my allowances gets affected or I don’t get to travel as much. Yes, it kinda doesn’t matter anymore, because for this one year of flying, I gave up alot, on friendship, love life and most importantly, POLE-DANCING!

I realized how everyone has progressed so much and there’s me barely any progression and I feel miserable. Not only that, my flexibility remained stagnant and dropped alittle which is very depressing. I wish I was bendy as a rubber band now. Ok, now back to flying.

As flying is very interesting and amazing when I first started, this feeling seemed so surreal nowadays. I feel like I am dragging my soul and body to report for flight every single time. I’m not longer feeling that tinge of excitement and visiting the countries. I guess mainly it’s because of my roster, constantly getting Japan, Japan and more Japan. I am definitely not a great fan of Japan but rather China. I love visiting China, even if it’s over and over again, the passengers are humorously funny and cute for I rather be a “airplane guide” to explain to them how to use the toilet, how to order meals and such than to be using sign language to explain to a passenger which made me feel very worthless.

But then again, getting China flights is harder than you ever imagine. There are those people who are blessed with great rosters and there’s me trying hard to swap for a china flight even if it meant only just a night stay or having to take several standbys and turnaround flights for it.

I know I’m silly, But then again, when you are an unlucky person what else can you do? Sacrifices.

But probably not anymore this year. I’m really exhausted.

I thought so many times about quitting.

I wanted a more stagnant destination, I rather do same destination layovers over and over again, but definitely not Japan but somewhere in Asia. Hmmm

I wanted back my pole dancing life really badly. Really really.

I’m so sick of speaking English as a result my Chinese is getting very choppy.

Sometimes I just am so badly rested I wish I could stopped flying for a good one month.

DAMN.

妈妈,我又想你多一年了。

今天是新的一年,本应该是个非常开兴喜庆的日子。还记得那前几年你还在的日子,我都会和你一起在客厅里观看电视节目的新年倒数节目。可已经过了那么多年了,我都从来忘不了你离去的那一幕也忘不了你和我开心地度过的每一年,每一天,每一个节日。

可我今年病了,病得有点严重,但我昨晚回家时,脸色苍白,就连我的唇色也是白的,可那可恶的巫婆却当我一踏进门时却是“你为什么那么快回来?”,可我却低声的求她可以不可以帮我找哪里还有医生可以看病。她却骂我说,你活该,乱吃东西才会生病,并又和她娇贵的女儿说的有声有笑,可我真的一点力气也无法和她顶撞,躺在床上就这样昏睡过去了。

我真的很痛心,做为一个生我的母亲你连一个最基本的同情心也不舍我一点,我真的无话可说。就连你幼儿园的小朋友你都会带他们去看医生,但我可是你怀在肚子里9个月生出来的,但你连一点怜悯之心也无。我不知道我为什么一直抱着那薇薇的期望,希望有一天你会关心我一点,可我每次都告诉自己,别再骗自己了,妈妈也告诉我你的巫婆生母是不会回头的,她的迷信已经无法理喻,连平常人,辅导员都无法接通的。我的心还是算了吧。

可我。。。却还是有那么一点的心痛。

妈妈,如果你还在,我今天不会是个没人要的孩子。我真的很想你,真想你我生病的时候你为我做的一切。我常常都梦见你,可我知道你只能活在我脑海里,在我的心里。你留给我的所有东东,我都不要也从未动过,我只想用来换你这个人。

我不想继续伪装成一个非常独立又坚强的女生,其实我一点也不是,我有颗和玻璃一般的精碎的心,一碰就会碎。我经常出国旅行是为了逃避,为了想你更少一些,那短暂的忙碌已经开始让我的身体吃不肖,时不时就生病。

我知道我真的傻,傻的无可救药,但时光是无法倒流,我的心也只能一直一直地被这样则疼下去。

病了,但心也病得更加严重。

妈妈,你在天上是否还想起这个在地球上被折磨的孩子?

妈妈,新年快乐。

我一直都会想你。

嗯,当我在打出此文时,我的泪水已淹没了这整台电脑。