Welcome 2019

2018 gone by in flash and although the usual in my house is still happening, getting screamed at and getting called useless, the unfairness in the house, I thought of moving out several times, using the fund I actually did save to find a place and move out and paid the deposit rental for 3 months, then again, I thought, perhaps I could endure for a year or more and put this sum of money to better use…

I live on the edge of not wanting to know what tomorrow will come because since grandma’s departure, I have refused to live on another day in this world but friend’s have told me to try on, one day at a time and so I did, still breathing. However, my reluctance in breathe in this world still exist, I’m living in denial everyday, and death is still an option somewhere at the edge of my mind, I lived my life for her and to repay her with all that I could, but since she is gone, what’s there to live for?

I listened to options, to find a job I liked and so I did, flying around the world seeing places that I used to dream of when I was a kid and satisfy my wanderlust in me, but at the end of the day, I still feel very empty because I did wanted to see the world, but with her. For all her life she never got to enjoy her life but always lived for others. And all I wanted was to reward her for having a hard time to bring me up.

I did fell in love too, it was like a roller coaster. Good times and bad times, and I thought this would let me find a meaning in life to live for, for the future of both of us, to have someone to rely on and a future that belongs to two of us to look forward to and finally finding a reason to live on in life. Then again, I was wrong. Somehow I still struggled, I couldn’t comprehend what was this love thing all about, maybe it was my first. But it definitely was a lesson for me to learn and still learning by the way, it was somewhat different, different from the kind of love that I have been wanting to experience again since she left.

It was always interesting to hear about her old world war stories and her growing up wisdom and occasionally, gossips from the neighbors and relatives. However it wasn’t as interesting when you had to hear someone pouring his woes on his job and life every single meetup. I’m a curious girl, I love to hear interesting things about something old and unique, and of course gossips (a girl’s favourite topic and will never go wrong).

I guess that’s what they say love’s obligation is all about.

You’ve got to listen to his woes on his job and life every single time, listen to every single detail of what he did at his job, understand his job from top to toe. Listen to every complain that he has to say about his work and the people he met. Sometimes I wonder, I am being a punching bag at home and now, I’ve got to be his listening ear for his woes and sorrows. But all I hear is negativity, where are the interesting things and sights and positivity that should be heard to balance out everything? WHERE?

No, he doesn’t share with me his positivity, all the interesting things that happen, he shares it with his friends and his closest ones. Sometimes I wonder, am I just a 诉苦的港口? Or does he not have anything interesting and positive to share?

I feel tired, sometimes I run out of encouraging things to cheer him up. (If anyone here could give me some tips, I would totally appreciate it.). I just keep mum and listen and goes home for a drink to forget about the heavily emphasis negativity. You probably be thinking why do I drink alot right? I drink when I am stressed and I drink to forget about the negativity, I drink to lift my spirits.

And rarely, I drink because I am happy, (but it do happens…)

I guess it’s getting pretty lengthy for this post, but I do hope that 2019 gets better over time, since it’s almost midway through January already. How FAST… but as 2019 enters, I know he is not going to travel with me anymore in this year and years ahead to come, but I will, still travel alone, back to the solo travelling days and of course with a huge tinge of disappointment, thinking that I found my partner who is able to deal with my budget travelling. but he isn’t the one fit for that kind of travelling ideology. Oh wells, what to do? Not like compromising will make things work but we have quite a far apart idea and thinking in the life path that we want. Ok, enough talks about him.

Now my dream in 2019 is to get a steady improvement in pole, hopefully in the flexibility side since I am stiff as a stick and get healthier (fall sick less often) , less itch to my sensitive skin, turn prettier, and perhaps move out and be fully independent on my own? (that way I don’t think I have to rely on anyone anymore.?) Oh and last and importantly, 2019 is the last year of my flying contract and I hope they will renew my flying license if not it will probably be the last year of flying I guess. ( touch wood! I hope this doesn’t happen because I still love flying, even just doing turn-arounds, it’s still interesting in a way.)

Ok bye for now, I’ve got a Hangzhou layover with some nice people later on. Time to snooze. ❤

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(That’s me in Shanghai in 2018 on my birthday trip with the teddy that I won from claw machine.)

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Nit Grits of Amritsar

Honestly, I have never really a fan of India but after frequently flying to Amritsar, I’m kinda getting used to it. I wouldn’t say I enjoy my layover there, but it was an interesting experience.

My first cafe experience in Amritsar and they were playing international pop songs but the Indian remake version. You would see couples going there for dates and girls tea time, it’s quite a really modern cafe setting in the very not to modern part of India.

The food looks pretty decent, sandwiches was great but desserts and slushies and milkshake was overloaded with sugar as usual.

Most of the time we would just order room service. It isn’t really that bad. Indian food is just high in calories, high sodium and high oil content. What else? 😛

Because the crew said it was cheap to do hair in Amritsar, my batchie and I decided to try and get our hair dyed, but honestly it’s cheap but the colors was very disappointing haha. Oh wells, for an interesting experience because we spend 6hours in the salon and sat till our butt ache for India is renown for their snail pace service.

On another flight, this captain was a frequent Amritsar flyer and hence he decided to bring the group of us out for some poori experience. I must say it was a fun ride on India’s tuktuk and heading to somewhere in “town” for a delicious poori meal and thankfully I did not had food poisoning! HAHA~

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Yes that’s the group of us and no, not the entire set of crew was there. I guess I was the only Singapore chinese crew that is adventurous enough to step out of the hotel to join them for some authentic poori food-venture! 😀

 

 

What should I do?

It’s July of 2018 and it’s been one year and entering 8th month of my flying career. My health has been ruined and my skin conditions has worsened. Nothing seem to be great. Even my flying roster is just a disappointment, months and months worth of Japan flight and some turnaround, and trying my luck to swap those Japan flight to my favourite China flights, and swapping of flights is harder than you think.

There, my love life, it wasn’t as colorful and vibrant as I used to imagine it would be when I was a little girl or when I started this site. I find myself sometimes feeling really unhappy and I don’t know why. I always wonder, is he the right guy? I keep asking myself but the truth, I don’t know the answer. And “que sera sera” whatever will be, will be, I let time tell everything… but then again, what should I do with my lost smile?

I still keep those beliefs of what I used to think was the right ones… but upholding these beliefs, they are harder than I can imagine it to be. Maybe I am a perfectionist. I guess. And that’s what is making me unhappy. I find happiness when I helped someone and that sense of satisfaction leaves me a happy smile deep down and on my exterior, beaming with joy.

With the travelling experiences and the many one-time encounters of different cultures and people, I could never comprehend, how could you let someone enter your life completely? Giving someone your heart completely, and taking care of him as though he is your one and only.

Then again, there was this one night during my layover, my Japanese roomie asked me so what kind of guys do you fancy? And she said, “mine, 1st, must be rich, 2nd, must be gentle, 3rd, someone that I can look up to”.

It left me thinking really hard, what did I want initially? Ohhhh that long list that I created when I was in my teens? Someone respectful, someone who makes me become a better person and someone who is not lazy, was what I eventually told her. But then I thought, “rich” is pretty essential in Singapore too, you definitely do not want to be living in poverty and struggling to make ends meet. What my Japanese roomie said wasn’t wrong too, someone to look up to, so he can lead the way, he can show you things you never seen before/heard/encountered before, that is pretty amazing too. This criteria seems kinda tough though, which means he has to be smart and have a rich life experiences.

And then it just hits me hard.

Everything that I imagine it would be was … well kinda WRONG.

 

 

A Year of Flying

It’s been a year plus a month since my first SNY (supernumerary flight aka training flight). All the things that I have been through, trashy flights, badly planned rosters, weirdo and faulty passengers, repeated flights in the same month, medical cases, stolen passport, weird roomies, and what else?

Sometimes, I’m just really exhausted to the point, hey, let’s give up layovers for a turn or a standby. It doesn’t matter if my allowances gets affected or I don’t get to travel as much. Yes, it kinda doesn’t matter anymore, because for this one year of flying, I gave up alot, on friendship, love life and most importantly, POLE-DANCING!

I realized how everyone has progressed so much and there’s me barely any progression and I feel miserable. Not only that, my flexibility remained stagnant and dropped alittle which is very depressing. I wish I was bendy as a rubber band now. Ok, now back to flying.

As flying is very interesting and amazing when I first started, this feeling seemed so surreal nowadays. I feel like I am dragging my soul and body to report for flight every single time. I’m not longer feeling that tinge of excitement and visiting the countries. I guess mainly it’s because of my roster, constantly getting Japan, Japan and more Japan. I am definitely not a great fan of Japan but rather China. I love visiting China, even if it’s over and over again, the passengers are humorously funny and cute for I rather be a “airplane guide” to explain to them how to use the toilet, how to order meals and such than to be using sign language to explain to a passenger which made me feel very worthless.

But then again, getting China flights is harder than you ever imagine. There are those people who are blessed with great rosters and there’s me trying hard to swap for a china flight even if it meant only just a night stay or having to take several standbys and turnaround flights for it.

I know I’m silly, But then again, when you are an unlucky person what else can you do? Sacrifices.

But probably not anymore this year. I’m really exhausted.

I thought so many times about quitting.

I wanted a more stagnant destination, I rather do same destination layovers over and over again, but definitely not Japan but somewhere in Asia. Hmmm

I wanted back my pole dancing life really badly. Really really.

I’m so sick of speaking English as a result my Chinese is getting very choppy.

Sometimes I just am so badly rested I wish I could stopped flying for a good one month.

DAMN.

妈妈,我又想你多一年了。

今天是新的一年,本应该是个非常开兴喜庆的日子。还记得那前几年你还在的日子,我都会和你一起在客厅里观看电视节目的新年倒数节目。可已经过了那么多年了,我都从来忘不了你离去的那一幕也忘不了你和我开心地度过的每一年,每一天,每一个节日。

可我今年病了,病得有点严重,但我昨晚回家时,脸色苍白,就连我的唇色也是白的,可那可恶的巫婆却当我一踏进门时却是“你为什么那么快回来?”,可我却低声的求她可以不可以帮我找哪里还有医生可以看病。她却骂我说,你活该,乱吃东西才会生病,并又和她娇贵的女儿说的有声有笑,可我真的一点力气也无法和她顶撞,躺在床上就这样昏睡过去了。

我真的很痛心,做为一个生我的母亲你连一个最基本的同情心也不舍我一点,我真的无话可说。就连你幼儿园的小朋友你都会带他们去看医生,但我可是你怀在肚子里9个月生出来的,但你连一点怜悯之心也无。我不知道我为什么一直抱着那薇薇的期望,希望有一天你会关心我一点,可我每次都告诉自己,别再骗自己了,妈妈也告诉我你的巫婆生母是不会回头的,她的迷信已经无法理喻,连平常人,辅导员都无法接通的。我的心还是算了吧。

可我。。。却还是有那么一点的心痛。

妈妈,如果你还在,我今天不会是个没人要的孩子。我真的很想你,真想你我生病的时候你为我做的一切。我常常都梦见你,可我知道你只能活在我脑海里,在我的心里。你留给我的所有东东,我都不要也从未动过,我只想用来换你这个人。

我不想继续伪装成一个非常独立又坚强的女生,其实我一点也不是,我有颗和玻璃一般的精碎的心,一碰就会碎。我经常出国旅行是为了逃避,为了想你更少一些,那短暂的忙碌已经开始让我的身体吃不肖,时不时就生病。

我知道我真的傻,傻的无可救药,但时光是无法倒流,我的心也只能一直一直地被这样则疼下去。

病了,但心也病得更加严重。

妈妈,你在天上是否还想起这个在地球上被折磨的孩子?

妈妈,新年快乐。

我一直都会想你。

嗯,当我在打出此文时,我的泪水已淹没了这整台电脑。

青岛葡萄收成季节

七月正巧是葡萄收成的时候,我也碰巧被安排到了青岛两晚的航班还有一组非常好玩又友善的机组人员,简直太开心了。那次的路程,机长是个即将在十一月退休的机长,他就因如此,每到一个城市都一定会约每各机组人员一同出外,吃个饭或去郊游,然后拍很多照片留着做纪念。

抵达青岛的第二天,我们大清早就被带到了青岛的葡萄种植园,到处能看到各家种植的不同品种的葡萄。我们到处逛逛可天空便开始下起细细的雨因此就匆匆地找家葡萄园开始我们的葡萄自助大餐。我们选定的那家葡萄园并未有很多葡萄品种能让我们品尝,而只有两种-巨峰和玫瑰红。

后来因为雨越下越大,我们只好坐着等到雨停,而为了打发时间变开始和葡萄园的阿姨聊起天,越聊越起劲时,阿姨便说副机长人很帅,问他有女友吗,机长便搞笑地撒谎说,“我的儿子很帅是吧,多亏我的基因,他现在是单身嘞!你有美女介绍给他吗?”

你们猜阿姨结果说了什么?

阿姨说,“哈哈你们父子真不像,但小帅哥,我的确有美女介绍给你。她还二十来岁,刚毕业还是个公司的会计。她就是我的女儿,她现在还在家里今天周末不用上班,我打个电话叫她过来葡萄园,待会你们可以交个朋友。” 一说完阿姨便拿起了手机拨打电话。

我们都傻了。。。

结果阿姨的女儿真的来了!我们就这样互相的认识了。一个下午就这样过去了。。。

我的葡萄收成体验日就到此结束 🙂

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谢谢大家让我有个美好的回忆,好的机组是真的很难得的合在一起,回忆就只能珍惜。<3

7/7 的牢骚

习惯了孤独自我的生活开始让我觉得自己无法容忍他人,是我脾气变差了,还是别人变得无可理喻?

别人把我当作理所当然,把我的生活和工作已他们所知其他的空乘描黑的负面连接在一起,无论我说什么,解释我的一面,他们就只信那扭曲的谣言。

什么空乘在国外风骚,有许多不告人知的秘密,外情,这简直一派胡言!胡说!别人是别人,我是我,我们只是穿着同样的制服,在同样的地方上同样的班,但人却是不一样的人,性格也毕竟不是一样的。他们有他们的选择,他们做他们的决定,管我什么事?他们的国外情事干我何事?

我就只爱吃,泡澡,赖床,健身,睡觉,或到处逛逛,我的国外生活就那么简单,说宅也行,可不信也就罢了,反正我就是那么简单的以为空乘,你们怎能和我跟他人并在一起抹黑事实???

反正朋友圈就是那么稀少了,再少也就这样吧,我也一个人惯了,独自跨国也挺好玩的,挺有满足感的。

* * * * *

还有呢我还没说完,世上哪有那么好的人,让你吃回头草,却一声也不吭,给你机会却你那三次你都迟到,一次等1小时20分钟,二次等40分钟,三次等1小时10分钟,我的人生从未等过一位伤过你的男生,还等了总3小时10分钟!这等候的时间我可以飞到广州去了!

还没和你算那吃回头草的帐,所谓错过了就是错过了,伤过了就是弥补不回了,可无论怎么弥补多少的伤痕是一定在的,虽然是不能和从前一样,但我还是傻傻地相信,人知错了是能给个改过的机会,可我却不知,我竟然给错了。

我无论有再多的不满,觉得自己似乎像是个备胎似的,他人起初选择了别人,结果别人却是个不专一的人,那过了连一个月都不到,就回头找我,我究竟是疗心处还是备胎车厂?我起初什么也都不说,(就如你们说的,我挑,可我现在证明我一点也没挑呀!)答应了见面,结果就等了1小时20分钟,我竟然傻傻地耐心等,自己到处晃还跑去吃晚餐,吃完了晚餐人都还没出现,但我还耐心地等着。。。我真的有事有那么一点佩服我有多大地度量和等人的耐心。。。真够笨!

但,一次是无意,二次是巧合,三次是故意,到了第三次我爆炸了,见面时间都给他挑,我只是随意罢了,结果我还要等?等等等, 哪有女生等男生的道理?还要等那么久,男生有需要化妆梳发的吗?还是临时出门前大姨妈找上门,需要掉头回去拿苏菲垫底?我真的忍无可忍了,这明明是点不尊重我嘛!迟到那么多次,每次都是借口多多,我真的是火爆了。

我开始觉得我真的有那么的太太太。。。太(x10000) 好了,好得不能再好了,这简直是欺人太甚了!我真的太傻,傻得不能再傻,但这也证明了,我根本没有挑,是他们欺人太盛,我已经到了定线!

一个人就一个人,我不想再被欺!