HIM: Introducing- How we met?

If you have been with me for a very time, you’ve probably read all the articles that I wrote about my feelings and love, expectations of a boyfriend, etc etc…

BUT, I have never mention one before. Reason being, despite all the dates that I have been out with the various guys, from clubs, from Tinder & Okcupid, none of them are great, maybe one or two was kinda boyfriend material, but most wanted to get laid, to get me into their bed. I never met someone from school before, a guy that chase me, because I was this ugly girl and anti-social.

I could say even my part time job back then, I always mingled well with the aunties than people of my age, because I had difficulty finding common topic. And of course, my special family background, no one could understand it. Most people think, I was lying.

Obviously, I wasn’t if you have known me.

Maybe, it’s time to introduce him.

Around November 2018, I kinda completed my first year of flying and job, was more stable as I knew what to do basically and tasks in hand, maybe just not perfect with handling situations yet. I got kinda bored with flying life, and I realise that I haven’t been dating and there was no luck in my love life. The guys in my workplace, majority are gays, they are so cute to talk to, but they like guys, and the rest, mostly are attached, and some I didn’t really like because I don’t like guys that weighs around my weight. Then, I have been back on Tinder for quite awhile on and off because Tinder’s guys profiling was getting worst, and there were more guys looking for ONS and FWB than serious relationship.

On 13 Dec 2018, one fine boring afternoon that I was having my off day, laying on bed as usual, I was swiping on Tinder randomly, aimlessly, swiped through a couple bunch of guys, until this guy that I had quite an impression because of his photos. The first photo he had was a selfie in the lift and lifting his T-shirt up to capture his abs and I found it dodgy, but his thick black framed specs kinda caught my attention, I swiped to see his second photo, it was a gym photo, and he look well, ermmm fierce. Usually gym guys photos look like either muscular cool or muscular cute but for his guy he is fierce. It’s ok, I went on with his third photo, he had a friendly nice smile. Well, I always had a thing for  guys who gym and the bigger the muscles, the better. For they would better understand that girls who pole is definitely not a stripper or someone who does lap dancing. So I swiped right to him, despite him not looking handsome in his photos, maybe for that smile, black specs, and muscles I swiped right to him.

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(this was one of his profile pictures)

Awww, I know you’ll be thinking, what a judge mental bitch, isn’t it? But hey what else can you see from a Tinder profile’s beside photos and maybe a sentence of introduction?

And unexpectedly, WE MATCHED!

(At that time, I gotta admit as a girl, I get matches too easily, so I don’t really have that excitement as compared to a guy I guess. It was like hey, he matched me, ok. Let’s see if he’ll start a convo, else it will be another number adding to my numerous amount of match. HAH)

Ok, before I continue on with this post, I will be writing everything based on my account and from my perspective. So, please don’t judge. I totally appreciate that.

Let’s continue…

Maybe hours lately, I can’t remember too clearly, he started to talk to me, on Tinder for quite awhile, he asked me my favourite food which was cheese fries from kfc at that time and he love it as well haha! Also, finding out that he was actually ok and understanding towards pole dancing was very important to me. Then he had a liking towards cats and at that time my silly fella MiMi was still around (it was important he was accepting towards stray cats because I hated guys who tell me eww why do you touch stray cats they are so dirty and gross) and I thought, wow this guy seems nice! He likes to gym, looks kinda decent and respectful, likes cats, older than me (by that tiny bit but still…important), shares quite a fair bit of common food interest, like sashimi and cheese fries, and acceptance towards pole dancing, doesn’t smoke (a serious deal breaker), not below 170cm (I had this weird thinking that if I wear heels, he must not be shorter than me).

At that point in time, I was bringing my giant bag of clothes to the laundry shop , those self coin operated kind to get my clothes washed. My parents were nuts that the house is not allowed to buy a washing machine and that crazy birth mum of mine didn’t allowed my to hang my laundry out to dry because she said it’s dirty and superstitious stuff, she always threw my freshly laundered clothes that were wet right at my room door. Rude af. That how I ended up having to bring my clothes to laundry shop to wash and then do the drying there as well, and to save money, I actually accumulate my clothes to one week or two weeks worth so that the washing machine is filled to the brim. So while waiting for laundry to be washed, I texted him on Tinder.

I can’t remembered when, he asked me for my number, but it was definitely before my very first Harbin flight that I managed to swapped into. The day before my Harbin flight, we took a step from Tinder chat to WhatsApp.

After reaching Harbin, I was so excited because for the first time ever, I got my own room! I did not had to share with the crew because the crew leader bought her own room, and I was thrilled. I took lots of photos and videos on instastory and I had to connect to VPN to reply to this guy as well because I told him that I would reply him when I reached. Stupid VPN, took me awhile to get connected because China had a limitation ban on IG, FB, WA, basically non-China apps. Thankfully the hotel wifi was strong, and connecting VPN was easy. Eventually I realise that it just so happened that I got a room with good wifi connectivity. So I send him a WhatsApp text and the view of Harbin in my room, probably the first person that I share the joy and excitement with, because Harbin was one of the destinations that I wanted to go before I started flying and the airline finally launched the route to Harbin!

Anyway, when I came back from Harbin, this guy asked me to meet him for a kfc meal and would treat me to cheese fries, and I turned him down. Reason being, I barely talked to him for a week and he wanted to asked me out already? I felt it was too fast because of my past Tinder dates and experiences, guys who usually rushes to the girl tends to had ill intentions. Usually if I turned the guy down, they would move on and look for another target.

But! This guy still kept the conversations on with me, although he was slightly ‘colder’ in chats and few days passed, he asked me out again on a Christmas date. This time, I agreed because I felt that it was going to be 2 weeks of chatting and getting to know the person online, maybe it’s time to get to know him in real life.

I know it was still kinda a little fast for me as I only meet them after chatting for 1-3 months later. Since it was Christmas and no guys I have ever dated did asked me out on a Christmas date, so why not right? Plus he said he was going to make plans, so I though it was be an auspicious date to go out on a date with. (I had this special thing with me about Christmas and Chinese New Year because Christmas to me was the time to celebrate with your loved ones and the joy of gifting and celebration for working hard the entire year).

It will be memorable.

And let’s keep the part on our first date in another post because this is getting too lengthy.

xxx

to be continued…

Bad news and good news, which would you like to hear?

Ok, maybe i’ll give you the bad news first so you’ll probably understand things better, or probably it will flow better in an chronological order.

and… pardon my English, I haven’t been willing to speak english at work lately, because i’m kinda into Chinese lately.

Feb 2019: I was admitted to hospital twice right after CNY because I kept vomiting non-stop after eating and even just plainly drinking water (ok i gotta admit maybe I induce some of it because the nausea feeling in me was so intense and I felt cold, pain, and awful) , the doctor send me for CT scan but they couldn’t find anything wrong with my stomach beside that it was inflamed and red. They said it was gastroenteritis but it was weird that mine didn’t recover like normal patients did and the vomiting keeps coming back when I was discharged home.  Then they probably felt it had something to do with psychological issues, they called an counseller to attend to me, and yeah, she felt that it was probably boyfriend issues and mostly, family issues.

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( I was on drip always Everyday and I hated the iv plug, it was major discomfort and pain)

I had a hard time with family as usual, and with CNY, a festive period, they usually be even more nuts than usual, and I was so stress, praying that my roster had more layovers, but I had more turnaround flights which meant I had to spend time at home. I was on the verge of breaking, she would scold me right before I go to work for the most ridiculous reasons, and sometimes waking up at wee hours just to catch me before I go to work and vent her anger on me when I didn’t even talked to her at all or did anything that relates to her. I cried almost every time on the Grabhitch ride to airport. And layovers were the best time of my life. I felt peace.

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(He came after his work to surprised me with this!)

Anyway, my vomiting stopped after a lot of medicine and somehow things got slightly better because of March roster and i went on a solo trip to Korea, I felt happier.

Jun 2019: I nearly broke up with him because he lied. ( which he said he didn’t because he just simply chose not tell me ) I felt like crap because I love him for his honesty and that he was a very loyal person and wouldn’t flirt with any other girls but he did. My heart was shattered. I had no idea what to do. I love and trusted him wholeheartedly thinking that he will be my last and my only, but now… I shan’t explain the details because I chose to forgive him despite all 100% odds that if I do tell you what happened everyone else will tell me not leave. Ever since then I kinda feel insecure once awhile and I had to go back to pole-dancing to curb this insecurity because once scarred, there will be a scar. I took a leap in faith against everyone’s advice, and chose to give him this chance,  I hope I won’t regret when I come back to this post in maybe 5 ? Or 10 years time.

Aug 2019: The vomiting came back again, it was serious than ever, I had to admit myself to the hospital. This time the doctor was perplexed because the frequency of my gastroenteritis relapse was too frequent, so they send me for a scope where they put this tiny camera through my mouth, down the throat to the stomach to see what’s going wrong with it. And again, they found nothing abnormal beside the redness which was due to it inflamed. This time, they sent a psychologist along with a counsellor to my hospital bedside to ‘talk’ to me. As usual they realise it’s family issues, and the only way was that I leave this place of hell that I once called home because my vomiting issue was getting serious and they doubt that it will completely cure. Psychologically, my body has already chose to vomit because once I am overly stressed out, my stomach will overproduce gastric juices which are the yellow or green fluids that I always puke. They gave me the encouragement to move out, because counselling me would not helped me at all, despite them wanting to help me.

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(I know I look pale and frail here, needing oxygen to breathe.)

Sep 2019: HOOHOO!  I found a place! I moved out officially, although I still go back to that hell place once awhile to collect my letters and the little things I need that weren’t so important to bring over to the room that I rented because I had too many things. Moving out alone was a huge difficult chore because he was not free and I had to move alone, I made so many trips to and fro, so many carsickness moments, aching arms. Sometimes, I really feel proud of myself that I can carry so many heavy bags without a man’s help, although I probably look like a clown and hideous cause I’m sweaty by the end of it. Mhmm, I’m officially out of that hell place, although there’s loads of memories of there with grandma, whom I really miss dearly.

Honestly, after moving out,  I kinda realised I’m all alone. Like I don’t have friends that really care. Those so-called bffs are just fake. And the worst thing of moving out, I can’t feed any stray cats anymore. My stray furry friends are my go-to when I’m down and bored, I always spend hours with them, they are just so entertaining and therapeutic. The landlord doesn’t approve of any pets, and the neighbourhood has no stray cats because it’s a pretty new neighbourhood, sadly. And cooking is now much difficult because the owner only approves of light cooking, so basically I do microwave cooking haha and rely on food delivery on lazy days or when I’m sick.

And my gastric vomiting still occurs… usually in the morning when I wake up, all the yellow gastric juices will be out and by the later of the day after I had some food and juices, it gets better.

I shall keep my updates of my life, till here.

‘I know I haven’t been updating of my travel trips that I made this year.  I shall do so soon since my ankle is sprained from work injury and I’m down from flying temporarily, urgh, there goes my  favourite Osaka and guangzhou layover. *sobs*

Insecurities

Maybe you can call me paranoid,

Maybe you can say I’m doubtful,

But I have this little insecurity that is burning in me.

 

I have been in a relationship for quite awhile now, 1 year and 2 months roughly as I am typing this. We had many ups and downs in our relationship so far and although we have had similar background, our work is keeping us apart most of the time. I fly most of the time and although I tried very hard to have more off days in Singapore than being overseas (more than 8 off days a month as of now), his long working hours and schedule and working 6.5days a week is keeping us apart. Limiting us to only roughly one quick dinner date per week or if time permits, just a short meetup. We only spend our time texting each other to keep ourselves in touch of our lives and this conversing in text usually happens at night when he is finally done with his day. Since then, I started developing this odd habit of keeping my phone by my side all the time so that I can reply him quickly when his text comes over.

I know I have to understand that this is his job and he has to work in order to pay off his Uni study loans and earn income to survive and feed himself and saving to buy a house for our future. However since June, we have been meeting lesser and lesser, the time we spend together is so much lesser and most of the time we only talk about things related to work and saving up. Maybe occasionally, about other things…

As weeks passed, this little insecurity in me keep growing, I’m really scared that one day, over time our relationship, our feelings would fade away, like how my bestie ended her relationship with her Boyfriend that lasted for 4 years plus, because they wanted the save up to buy a house in the 3rd year after they succeeded in getting a bto. They scrimp and save and cut down on dates and only had dinner together and chit chat and went home thereafter. I don’t want to be in their path, and it’s scary that things between me and him seem to be going the same way like how my bestie relationship headed to.

I really don’t know what I should do, I don’t think it’s possible to talk this out with him because he just started working and he has his own work problems to fret about…  and he might misunderstand me and leading to another quarrel which it always happens.

There are so many times I don’t know what I should do or to save myself from thinking astray, I drink, I gym, I pole, I give away my off days to fly more, I go travel, I try so hard to keep myself occupied to not think about what might happen to us if in the long run, this is how we going to keep our relationship and maintaining it.

And all I do is keep telling myself that “whatever will be, will be.” There is no way I could tell what time would brings, if things fade, it’s fated. That is fate, eventually.

I’ve always been a pessimist in life, in everything I do.

And I can’t deny this time I am not.

MARCH

March is here, how fast. I spend nearly a month in Feb in the hospital because of my gastric issues and now I’m back to flying life. After a month of break from flying life, I am definitely not getting used to layovers anymore. I’m kinda dreading layovers, only looking forward to going home to my own bed and sleep. Not only that, I don’t go out for sightseeing or fun with crew during layovers anymore, I would only leave the hotel when it’s time for food or maybe getting some groceries or daily necessities to bring home.

Worst till, I’m not getting used to sharing room with crew anymore, I can’t sleep well and feel, pretty uncomfortable having someone in the same room as me. All I look forward is to do the turnaround flights on the small aircraft that most crew dislike to work on. I know I’m weird but I am kinda reaching the flying phase where you get sick of having layovers.

I still do love my flying job, meeting and serving all the passengers, some being weird, some being nasty, handling them and of course, there are those nice ones that help keep my time pass faster and meeting the little kiddos that makes me smile.

Sometimes, I wish the airline would do Hong Kong layovers, then I probably give up all my layovers for Hong Kong layovers because I haven’t seen my Hong Kong uncle for a really long time, although I have annual leave, I always spend my annual leave elsewhere like visiting Gold Coast where I finally strike off my bucket list of going to Movie World that had so many thrilling roller coasters that made me screamed, but it was fun though!

Oh and I kinda like Gold Coast or maybe Honolulu as beach destination compared to Asia beach destination like Phuket or Bali even though they are way much cheaper as a beach holiday destination. You know why?

I love how Australians and US people are so open about their body sizes and they embrace their body type even though they may be typed as “fat” or “obsesed” in Asian’s eyes, they call themselves curvy and in the Asian society, curvy people would always donned themselves with lots of fabric to hide their curves and their chubby arms or body but in Australia or US, they dress to flaunt their curves and that’s what I love. There is almost no body size issues regarding to dressing up and I just feel really comfortable being there, walking the streets without having the self-awareness of getting judged for not fitting in as a skinny or fitspo (the latest trend in Asian society).

Of course, the culture there is way much better especially if you are in the street and you happen to meet eye to eye with a stranger, they would let off a small smile at you but in Asia, people would just turn their heads away or inevitably roll their eyes away. It’s so-not-friendly at all.

Oh and I spend alot of time in hospital thinking about my social life and I realize that I have very little friends at all, to the extent that they are well almost non-existence at all. My best friend is well, stuck with working and being a single mom that has to take care of her kid and her messy love life that we barely contact each other and hang out. The other friend that I used to thought she was my best friend is busy with her search for looking pretty and keeping her boyfriend entertained, and well, some colleagues and pole friends that are like hi and bye people, to the extent that I feel like I don’t have anyone to hang out with or travel.

I kinda feel like I am a loner and anti-social, I think if it wasn’t for my boyfriend whom is kinda playing the role as my bff, I probably have no one in my social life. It’s a sad truth but I kind of think this is growing up, people stray away from you and it’s just sad when the realization hits you that I don’t have any one that I am close with.

Enough of grumbling or rambling about my life so far, I know I need to brush up on my speech especially in English because I have the tendency to direct translate my thoughts which are in Chinese and it ends up sounding like broken English when I speak and it gets very frustrating to my seniors and ranking crew. Yeah, I have been criticized at work for my poor command in English despite being a Singaporean where English is the first language and Singaporeans tend to be poor at Chinese but well, I’m their direct opposite. I speak alot in Chinese at work and stutter when I speak English and made my colleagues repeat their English because they spoke too fast and I had difficulty to comprehending. My chinese is also nowhere near the Chinese crews standard but I just happen to be able to understand them better.

Ok, bye for now. I shall keep you guys updated soon, hopefully. ❤

Welcome 2019

2018 gone by in flash and although the usual in my house is still happening, getting screamed at and getting called useless, the unfairness in the house, I thought of moving out several times, using the fund I actually did save to find a place and move out and paid the deposit rental for 3 months, then again, I thought, perhaps I could endure for a year or more and put this sum of money to better use…

I live on the edge of not wanting to know what tomorrow will come because since grandma’s departure, I have refused to live on another day in this world but friend’s have told me to try on, one day at a time and so I did, still breathing. However, my reluctance in breathe in this world still exist, I’m living in denial everyday, and death is still an option somewhere at the edge of my mind, I lived my life for her and to repay her with all that I could, but since she is gone, what’s there to live for?

I listened to options, to find a job I liked and so I did, flying around the world seeing places that I used to dream of when I was a kid and satisfy my wanderlust in me, but at the end of the day, I still feel very empty because I did wanted to see the world, but with her. For all her life she never got to enjoy her life but always lived for others. And all I wanted was to reward her for having a hard time to bring me up.

I did fell in love too, it was like a roller coaster. Good times and bad times, and I thought this would let me find a meaning in life to live for, for the future of both of us, to have someone to rely on and a future that belongs to two of us to look forward to and finally finding a reason to live on in life. Then again, I was wrong. Somehow I still struggled, I couldn’t comprehend what was this love thing all about, maybe it was my first. But it definitely was a lesson for me to learn and still learning by the way, it was somewhat different, different from the kind of love that I have been wanting to experience again since she left.

It was always interesting to hear about her old world war stories and her growing up wisdom and occasionally, gossips from the neighbors and relatives. However it wasn’t as interesting when you had to hear someone pouring his woes on his job and life every single meetup. I’m a curious girl, I love to hear interesting things about something old and unique, and of course gossips (a girl’s favourite topic and will never go wrong).

I guess that’s what they say love’s obligation is all about.

You’ve got to listen to his woes on his job and life every single time, listen to every single detail of what he did at his job, understand his job from top to toe. Listen to every complain that he has to say about his work and the people he met. Sometimes I wonder, I am being a punching bag at home and now, I’ve got to be his listening ear for his woes and sorrows. But all I hear is negativity, where are the interesting things and sights and positivity that should be heard to balance out everything? WHERE?

No, he doesn’t share with me his positivity, all the interesting things that happen, he shares it with his friends and his closest ones. Sometimes I wonder, am I just a 诉苦的港口? Or does he not have anything interesting and positive to share?

I feel tired, sometimes I run out of encouraging things to cheer him up. (If anyone here could give me some tips, I would totally appreciate it.). I just keep mum and listen and goes home for a drink to forget about the heavily emphasis negativity. You probably be thinking why do I drink alot right? I drink when I am stressed and I drink to forget about the negativity, I drink to lift my spirits.

And rarely, I drink because I am happy, (but it do happens…)

I guess it’s getting pretty lengthy for this post, but I do hope that 2019 gets better over time, since it’s almost midway through January already. How FAST… but as 2019 enters, I know he is not going to travel with me anymore in this year and years ahead to come, but I will, still travel alone, back to the solo travelling days and of course with a huge tinge of disappointment, thinking that I found my partner who is able to deal with my budget travelling. but he isn’t the one fit for that kind of travelling ideology. Oh wells, what to do? Not like compromising will make things work but we have quite a far apart idea and thinking in the life path that we want. Ok, enough talks about him.

Now my dream in 2019 is to get a steady improvement in pole, hopefully in the flexibility side since I am stiff as a stick and get healthier (fall sick less often) , less itch to my sensitive skin, turn prettier, and perhaps move out and be fully independent on my own? (that way I don’t think I have to rely on anyone anymore.?) Oh and last and importantly, 2019 is the last year of my flying contract and I hope they will renew my flying license if not it will probably be the last year of flying I guess. ( touch wood! I hope this doesn’t happen because I still love flying, even just doing turn-arounds, it’s still interesting in a way.)

Ok bye for now, I’ve got a Hangzhou layover with some nice people later on. Time to snooze. ❤

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(That’s me in Shanghai in 2018 on my birthday trip with the teddy that I won from claw machine.)

Nit Grits of Amritsar

Honestly, I have never really a fan of India but after frequently flying to Amritsar, I’m kinda getting used to it. I wouldn’t say I enjoy my layover there, but it was an interesting experience.

My first cafe experience in Amritsar and they were playing international pop songs but the Indian remake version. You would see couples going there for dates and girls tea time, it’s quite a really modern cafe setting in the very not to modern part of India.

The food looks pretty decent, sandwiches was great but desserts and slushies and milkshake was overloaded with sugar as usual.

Most of the time we would just order room service. It isn’t really that bad. Indian food is just high in calories, high sodium and high oil content. What else? 😛

Because the crew said it was cheap to do hair in Amritsar, my batchie and I decided to try and get our hair dyed, but honestly it’s cheap but the colors was very disappointing haha. Oh wells, for an interesting experience because we spend 6hours in the salon and sat till our butt ache for India is renown for their snail pace service.

On another flight, this captain was a frequent Amritsar flyer and hence he decided to bring the group of us out for some poori experience. I must say it was a fun ride on India’s tuktuk and heading to somewhere in “town” for a delicious poori meal and thankfully I did not had food poisoning! HAHA~

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Yes that’s the group of us and no, not the entire set of crew was there. I guess I was the only Singapore chinese crew that is adventurous enough to step out of the hotel to join them for some authentic poori food-venture! 😀

 

 

What should I do?

It’s July of 2018 and it’s been one year and entering 8th month of my flying career. My health has been ruined and my skin conditions has worsened. Nothing seem to be great. Even my flying roster is just a disappointment, months and months worth of Japan flight and some turnaround, and trying my luck to swap those Japan flight to my favourite China flights, and swapping of flights is harder than you think.

There, my love life, it wasn’t as colorful and vibrant as I used to imagine it would be when I was a little girl or when I started this site. I find myself sometimes feeling really unhappy and I don’t know why. I always wonder, is he the right guy? I keep asking myself but the truth, I don’t know the answer. And “que sera sera” whatever will be, will be, I let time tell everything… but then again, what should I do with my lost smile?

I still keep those beliefs of what I used to think was the right ones… but upholding these beliefs, they are harder than I can imagine it to be. Maybe I am a perfectionist. I guess. And that’s what is making me unhappy. I find happiness when I helped someone and that sense of satisfaction leaves me a happy smile deep down and on my exterior, beaming with joy.

With the travelling experiences and the many one-time encounters of different cultures and people, I could never comprehend, how could you let someone enter your life completely? Giving someone your heart completely, and taking care of him as though he is your one and only.

Then again, there was this one night during my layover, my Japanese roomie asked me so what kind of guys do you fancy? And she said, “mine, 1st, must be rich, 2nd, must be gentle, 3rd, someone that I can look up to”.

It left me thinking really hard, what did I want initially? Ohhhh that long list that I created when I was in my teens? Someone respectful, someone who makes me become a better person and someone who is not lazy, was what I eventually told her. But then I thought, “rich” is pretty essential in Singapore too, you definitely do not want to be living in poverty and struggling to make ends meet. What my Japanese roomie said wasn’t wrong too, someone to look up to, so he can lead the way, he can show you things you never seen before/heard/encountered before, that is pretty amazing too. This criteria seems kinda tough though, which means he has to be smart and have a rich life experiences.

And then it just hits me hard.

Everything that I imagine it would be was … well kinda WRONG.